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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Minymile · 07/02/2024 15:41

Whatever the circumstances a 14 year old can easily get public transport or walk to school.

A friend of mines car broke down and her kids refused to walk less than 2miles to school. So now she is having to pay £60 a week for buses!
She said it’s hard when they are not used to it and always got a lift before.
Its never too late I think….now seems like a good time to give her some independence and stop relying on you OP.
Take down that taxi sign off your forehead

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Jook · 07/02/2024 15:44

She’s probably resentful that your decision to move has affected her and that’s why she’s a bit sulky. If you want to inflame her resentment further, by all means make her return journey from school hellish.

Seriously, step back and take a minute to see this from her perspective.

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Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:45

It looks as if she is punishing you for moving in with a new partner. Her school needs to be changed (this is not her decision, but yours). If she objects then she has a two-hour round trip every day, not unusual in rural areas btw (my children had to catch the school bus into the city 17 miles away, and went to a childminder until it was time to catch the bus). She is being awkward, as teenagers will be, and it is your job to let her know she is not allowed to be awkward.

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 15:47

YABU. You chose to move and make it difficult for her. Suck it up.

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sunr111se · 07/02/2024 15:47

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:45

It looks as if she is punishing you for moving in with a new partner. Her school needs to be changed (this is not her decision, but yours). If she objects then she has a two-hour round trip every day, not unusual in rural areas btw (my children had to catch the school bus into the city 17 miles away, and went to a childminder until it was time to catch the bus). She is being awkward, as teenagers will be, and it is your job to let her know she is not allowed to be awkward.

What???
No don't change your child's school at an important age because it suits your agenda?! What the heck is wrong with you?

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MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 15:48

Youcannotbeseriousreally · Today 13:44

So, for you to satisfy yourself and live with your partner you moved miles from your daughter’s school and you’re cross at HER because she finds the whole thing too much?

Cool.

...

sorry, but basically. Women again and again and again, doing everything to have a man in their life, no matter what or who. I am cut out a different way. All about my kids

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drhf · 07/02/2024 15:48

Of course teenagers can say thank you for a lift to school. I certainly had to. I also had an hour journey to secondary school. Not unusual at all.

Set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t yell, just do it. No manners = no lift.

I agree with PP that the real issue is your daughter feeling out of control. Try to rebuild your relationship by letting her have control in age appropriate ways that don’t disrespect you. That doesn’t mean allowing rudeness though.

And make sure the whole family are as mannerly as you would like your daughter to be. Everyone says please and thank you - including you.

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Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:48

Jook · 07/02/2024 15:44

She’s probably resentful that your decision to move has affected her and that’s why she’s a bit sulky. If you want to inflame her resentment further, by all means make her return journey from school hellish.

Seriously, step back and take a minute to see this from her perspective.

I don't see her perspective. She's 14 and being awkward. An hour's journey to and from school is not excessive, though I think she should move schools so she is nearer to new home. Children do not dictate what their parents do, parents tell children what is going to happen i.e. we're moving and you will change schools or have an hour's journey to the current school. To do otherwise is to let children think the world revolves around them, which it does not (as they will discover when they are adult).

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 15:50

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:48

I don't see her perspective. She's 14 and being awkward. An hour's journey to and from school is not excessive, though I think she should move schools so she is nearer to new home. Children do not dictate what their parents do, parents tell children what is going to happen i.e. we're moving and you will change schools or have an hour's journey to the current school. To do otherwise is to let children think the world revolves around them, which it does not (as they will discover when they are adult).

Well, it's quite a selfish thing to do to move your teen away and force them to live with a bloke they aren't related to. Always done in the interests of the adults, not the children.

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Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:50

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 15:48

Youcannotbeseriousreally · Today 13:44

So, for you to satisfy yourself and live with your partner you moved miles from your daughter’s school and you’re cross at HER because she finds the whole thing too much?

Cool.

...

sorry, but basically. Women again and again and again, doing everything to have a man in their life, no matter what or who. I am cut out a different way. All about my kids

One day your children will leave home, however much they love you. It's your life and you do what you wish, but make sure you have one and are not left with nothing but a phone call occasionally.

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 15:51

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:50

One day your children will leave home, however much they love you. It's your life and you do what you wish, but make sure you have one and are not left with nothing but a phone call occasionally.

You can have a fulfilling life without living with a partner. Shocking as it may sound.

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MargaretThursday · 07/02/2024 15:54

she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

Presumably they were close enough to walk before you moved house, so you can't really complain that you need to drive her there now.

And a "thank you" for driving her to school? Really?
Did you give her an apology for giving her a longer journey to school, moving her away from her friends and generally making her life harder?

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Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 15:55

sunr111se · 07/02/2024 15:47

What???
No don't change your child's school at an important age because it suits your agenda?! What the heck is wrong with you?

Many children move schools prior to GCSEs in order to get the subjects they want if unavailable at their current school.
Two of mine did
They made a whole new set of friends, kept their old friends and learnt how to get out their and make friends. It’s a little stressful but rewarding.
I have many friends who moved all over the world with their forces parents. Moving so much gave them the confidence to talk to strangers and easily make friends. I also changed schools due to parents sent abroad …..It’s not a bad thing at all.

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Janiie · 07/02/2024 15:57

14yr olds are often sulky and monosyllabic. We don't have to be doormats but you need to accept social skills are not their forte. Throw into that being uprooted and having a right chew on to now get to school and back and yes she's going to be angry and resentful.

Just take her and collect her. Remind her to be polite etc but don't nag her. Allow her to come to terms with her new living arrangements and just give her some space.

Why didn't your new bloke move in with you for some continuity and a sense of normality for your dc?

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Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:57

Beezknees · 07/02/2024 15:50

Well, it's quite a selfish thing to do to move your teen away and force them to live with a bloke they aren't related to. Always done in the interests of the adults, not the children.

One cannot live one's life around one's children, they have to adapt. Presumably she does know this man her mother loves, and resents it. The two adults must take a firm stand and treat the matter of the DD's annoyance in the same way. Not allow any playing off one against the other. And stick to it. Women are entitled to have a life apart from looking after children. That includes a partner if they want one.

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Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:00

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:57

One cannot live one's life around one's children, they have to adapt. Presumably she does know this man her mother loves, and resents it. The two adults must take a firm stand and treat the matter of the DD's annoyance in the same way. Not allow any playing off one against the other. And stick to it. Women are entitled to have a life apart from looking after children. That includes a partner if they want one.

Absolutely agree @Grammarnut
as you earlier mentioned if we devote every waking hour, dream and ambition in our kids we will be left on the sofa with nothing other than waiting for them to ring.

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Whoopaday · 07/02/2024 16:00

“I’m the adult and she’s the child”

This might be some of the cause of your issue. I see it in my DB, blanket in the adult and I can make you do what I want and you should be grateful. Work with her not against her

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:00

Your OP actually makes me angry.

You are the one who put her in this position because of some man! How selfish!

And she's only 14. That's hateful.

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Janiie · 07/02/2024 16:01

'One cannot live one's life around one's children, they have to adapt. '

Well clearly the ops kids have to adapt they have no choice, the point is she really should expect a bit of a shit attitude in return. Kids have feelings you know.

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Jook · 07/02/2024 16:01

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:48

I don't see her perspective. She's 14 and being awkward. An hour's journey to and from school is not excessive, though I think she should move schools so she is nearer to new home. Children do not dictate what their parents do, parents tell children what is going to happen i.e. we're moving and you will change schools or have an hour's journey to the current school. To do otherwise is to let children think the world revolves around them, which it does not (as they will discover when they are adult).

Children shouldn’t have to dictate; parents should consider their needs when making decisions that affect their lives.

My DC really struggled with a school move post my divorce when they were v young. I decided not to disrupt schooling any further by moving again, so I waited until they were 18 before moving to the area I wanted to be in. My partner fully supported my decision.

DC wasn’t even aware of my strategy and happily moved with us later.

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Bookworm1111 · 07/02/2024 16:01

Yours is a blended family, isn't it, OP? Six kids between you. That's a lot of upheaval for your DD, moving in with another family. Maybe cut her some slack while she's getting used to such a huge adjustment.

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waterrat · 07/02/2024 16:01

some weird replies here. My son's catchment school is nearly an hour trip on buses not that big a deal.

She should DEFINITELY be polite and she should start coming home under her own steam. Surely as a teen she can enjoy the time/ music on/ chatting to mates.

god people pamper their kids on mumsnet

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:01

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:57

One cannot live one's life around one's children, they have to adapt. Presumably she does know this man her mother loves, and resents it. The two adults must take a firm stand and treat the matter of the DD's annoyance in the same way. Not allow any playing off one against the other. And stick to it. Women are entitled to have a life apart from looking after children. That includes a partner if they want one.

I am sorry but once you have children, their interests should come first.

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/02/2024 16:02

she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away)

That would be a flat no from me if her attitude stinks, if it hasn't been discussed and arranged in advance, and she's not ready on time for collection and departure. If she's been ready for school on time all week, then I'd be more amenable but that level of rudeness. Hell no. By all means pick her up but she can get there under her own steam.

School is a 20 min drive away. Presumably if she's messing around in the morning if you leave her to it she will either be 40 mins late for school or not bother going at all?

She sounds like a typical teen but also not very happy. Frankly if she's going to be miserable in her old school, she might as well be miserable in her new school. Have you actually asked her if she's changed her mind and wants to see whether she could easily switch? She's only a term and a half into year 10. She might have to catch up a bit in one or two subjects but it might not be as bad as others make out.

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Floppyelf · 07/02/2024 16:02

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

don’t listen to the nonsensical bats. You made a decision to better her life and yours. She has to play ball. How does she get on with your partner?

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