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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Caversdoc1959 · 09/02/2024 10:55

Wow!!! What a lot of people on your back. I do not believe you are being unreasonable. This modern the child is king approach is, I believe, why so many behave in such an entitled way. If it is 20 minutes could you use a taxi. Any lift shares available?
Also after year 11 will she move to College or a different 6th form?

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daliesque · 09/02/2024 11:05

bluedelphiniums · 07/02/2024 17:11

Very enlightening as a teacher to see how many parents let their kids dictate their every decision, and how they defend their rudeness because OP has (shock, horror) decided to move in with a man that isn't her father, without knowing any of her back story. Yes the child might be unsettled temporarily, but doesn't excuse their rude, bolshy attitude. This sense of entitlement that MN affords children is what makes so many of them bloody hard to manage in school. 'You are at the centre of everyone's world DC and we won't do anything that you don't give us permission to do.' Great life lesson, not.

And then they get into the world of work......

Bloody hell. This thread is an eye opener.

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celticprincess · 09/02/2024 12:05

My daughter often refuses to leave the house a minute early but she’s autistic and things have to run to a schedule - unless she’s running late weirdly. Does she have any other ritualistic traits?

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SoYoung · 09/02/2024 14:17

Extremely believable update.

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Janiie · 09/02/2024 14:26

Dinkydo12 · 09/02/2024 10:24

Just who is the patent here? She is being a typical unreasonable teenager. So sorry just get her her train and bus seasonal tickets and let her get on with it. People blaming you for moving is ludicrous. People move all the time. Doesn't want to change wchool fine then catch train and bus. Stop pandering to her. She is the child until she is an adult then there are rules end of. Why do parents allow such bad behaviour.

People do move all the time yes, but to move in with another man with other kids will indeed upend a 14yr olds wellbeing. This may well be manifested by displaying sulky behaviour.

It isn't rocket science is it.

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MrsB74 · 09/02/2024 14:45

Regardless of the move, her attitude is dreadful. I would not tolerate that and my (divorced when I was a teen) parents would not have either. A “broken” home is not an excuse to be a brat. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour. She may have had a difficult time, but manners are important. My teens always say thank you for lifts (unless grumpy/tired at which point they are reminded), so this is not an unreasonable request! We all have busy lives. I go out of my way for them and expect them to help me out at times too - clean their rooms, take the dog out if I’m running late etc.

I suspect her friends aren’t the best influence if they rarely attend school. I can totally understand her not changing schools at this point though.

Set some ground rules for decent behaviour and continue to give her lifts - but go through her options for public transport with her when she is calm. My journey home from school took an hour and involved a long walk and a train - this is normal for a lot of kids.

I think spending some quality time together and having fun, just the two of you, to rebuild your relationship may help. I think you are caught in a negative cycle, which is inevitable when you have a busy schedule.

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Beezknees · 09/02/2024 15:19

Dinkydo12 · 09/02/2024 10:24

Just who is the patent here? She is being a typical unreasonable teenager. So sorry just get her her train and bus seasonal tickets and let her get on with it. People blaming you for moving is ludicrous. People move all the time. Doesn't want to change wchool fine then catch train and bus. Stop pandering to her. She is the child until she is an adult then there are rules end of. Why do parents allow such bad behaviour.

It's more than just a move though which you have conveniently ignored. It's suddenly being forced to share a home with mum's new partner and his 4 kids. Don't minimise it.

Anyway OP has provided an update which shows she is taking it seriously.

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AuntMarch · 09/02/2024 16:33

I'm not sure what sort of attitude you expect from a 14 year old girl anyway, this sounds pretty run of the mill. Add on the fact you moved her far enough away she can't easily see her friends without a lift.. you've probably got off lightly.

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FrenchieMam · 09/02/2024 19:18

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 07/02/2024 14:04

I'm also a school taxi for my 14yo (yr10) and I don't think she has ever uttered a thank you for taking her or picking her up from school.

What I do is park up, and tell her I love her and to have a good day every morning, even if she just grunts at me. That's life with teenagers.

Exactly this. I taxi my dc (15 & 12) daily. It's always 'have a nice day, love you' as they get out of the car. It's my duty as a parent to make sure they get to and from school safely.

Wouldn't it have been easier for boyfriend to have moved in with you to not change the family dynamics?

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Mostlyoblivious · 09/02/2024 21:54

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:39

She was ready, she was just refusing to leave because she still had 1 minute to go.

we only shout up x are you ready to go in a minute and she literally barks back at you when a simple yes coming now would suffice!

Perhaps she is trying to assert a grain of control over her life..? Yes she is a child, yes you’re in charge but you’ve made a big life decision which has caused massive upheaval and she’s not getting much of a say in her life: great that she got the choice to refuse to move schools, but it wasn’t her choice to have to stomach such a commute because you wanted to move away. She doesn’t have much autonomy so yeah, childish as it may appear, she’s refusing to give up that one minute.

I think you should sit down with a neutral third party (professional) to allow you and your daughter to learn how to communicate with each other so it doesn’t descend into shouting matches, silence and attitude. It’s a rough age and having you on her side would help (yes, you already are on her side, but she needs to really have that hammered home in a language she can understand).

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