My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
MarnieMarnie · 07/02/2024 14:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

TimetoPour · 07/02/2024 14:17

If you had phrased this differently, you would not have had such a hard time………

Teenage daughter’s attitude stinks. She is rude, ignores you and is deliberately defiant over small things. You know that moving was difficult for her and have done your best to help the transition by ensuring she stays in her previous school and you and new partner ensure she gets there and back each day. What can I do to make her recognise that we are not doormats and deserve ti be treated with the same level of respect we try to treat her with?

Instead, your post reads that you moved her across town and expect her to be grateful that you put yourself out to avoid her having to take public transport.

You need to address her attitude overall if she is rude and being generally unpleasant. Why does she feel this way? By sending her out on her own, you will push her further away and create an even more hostile situation.

Report
MsMarch · 07/02/2024 14:17

what I’m trying to do is correct her behaviour and attitude

That wasn't really clear from the first post. And her behaviour is probably partly normal teenage angst and partly huge frustration and anger at how her life has changed as a result of this move, that it sounds like she didn't want.

Expecting gratitude for lifts etc is pretty ambitious. PARTICULARLY as she thinks that she DESERVES the lift because YOU are the one who made it necessary for her to have them. Yes, that's an immature attitude. But then, she's immature because she's still young.

Blatant rudeness, sure, call it out and have consequences in line with whatever is normal in your family. expecting her to be grateful you're taking her to school? Not likely.

Report
LlynTegid · 07/02/2024 14:18

Actions should have consequences, and rudeness persistently should do so.

Report
Doseofreality · 07/02/2024 14:20

You’ve moved her from her home into a home that isn’t yours, it’s your partner’s. She is having to live in someone else’s home and she knows that, poor girl probably feels massively insecure and uprooted and this is how she is trying to get back some control of her life.

Report
Str3bor · 07/02/2024 14:21

At our old house she got the school bus to and from school and her friends didn’t live near so she still needed lifts to their houses (the school has a very wide catchment area so has kids from all sorts of areas attending).

I just think she needs to just change her attitude, thanks the posters who have advised how best to handle it and given some advice and reminded that teenage attitude is normal

OP posts:
Report
toomuchfaff · 07/02/2024 14:21

So you moved in with your boyfriend, to your own end, didn't consider the ramifications of transport to your daughters school, and now pissed off because she is throwing attitude.

Reap what you sow, should have stayed in the area you were OR moved to an area that didn't mean she couldn't get to school unaided.

You made your decision for selfish reasons, you may be the adult but you weren't considering the ramifications when you put your needs before theirs. New relationship, absolutely! Moving house so your child is unable to get to school, absolutely not.

Report
YireosDodeAver · 07/02/2024 14:22

She's right you decided to uproot her and move an hour's commute away from her school at a really difficult time in a teenager's life. You're expecting adult levels of maturity from a kid who needs support and nurturing to get them through the next couple of years. Of course she should be saying thank you but she's a teenager - it's perfectly normal for them to be fairly self-obsessed and she won't have the mental development to see it from your perspective for a few years yet.

I think it was fairly selfish of you to make the move at this time and should have waited a few years. Given that you didn't it's quite right you should be putting yourself to inconvenience to minimise her commute.

Report
HoHoHoliday · 07/02/2024 14:23

She sounds like she's behaving as a typical teenager, whereas you sound completely unreasonable.
You moved her a 40-minute round trip away from her school and her friends. At a critical school age too.
Your choice to move - your responsibility to facilitate her school attendance and help her maintain her friendships.

Report
C00k · 07/02/2024 14:24

mitogoshi · 07/02/2024 14:11

I'm completely understanding op. She is doing what most teens do, taking you for granted. An hour each way is normal for many kids. She's guilting you because you moved. Well tough as far as I can see, she's a child you are the adult.

Yes, it's the parents duty to put their kid about their love life. The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male, and this one is being made to live with some bloke while the mother is seething at not being thanked for sometimes doing a basic, bare minimum parenting task.

Report
hobbitonthehill · 07/02/2024 14:24

Of course she's angry and unsettled you've put your fanny before your children lol

Report
C8H10N4O2 · 07/02/2024 14:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Its exactly the consequence of the "You must never change anything if you have children" blaming of mothers here. The mother must be blamed and punished for moving on after divorce and building a new relationship.

The father has also moved house. Many teens whose parents are together move house. The child is being ferried to and from school and was given the choice of staying or changing schools. She is 20 minutes away - they haven't moved to Australia. Its a normal everyday family experience where the teen in question has been given choices in how the change is managed.

Report
TinkerTiger · 07/02/2024 14:28

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 14:06

Just to make it clear I have never once tried to move her schools, she was given the option, she said no which is fine understandable and I have and will continue to be happy to do the school run.

what I’m trying to do is correct her behaviour and attitude

Given an option, but was it really? She wasn’t given the option to move though I bet. You moved her further away from her school, gave her the ‘option’ to move schools too, she said no and you’re 🤷🏽‍♀️

Report
DeedlessIndeed · 07/02/2024 14:29

Her choice was either a really long commute or disruption to her education, friends etc.

You've not left her with many good options. That, plus normal teenage attitude no doubt is a recipe for disaster...

Report
Jellycatspyjamas · 07/02/2024 14:29

Its exactly the consequence of the "You must never change anything if you have children" blaming of mothers here. The mother must be blamed and punished for moving on after divorce and building a new relationship.

I don’t think mothers should be punished for moving on but they do need to consider the impact of moving away from their child’s school and social circle. They need to consider the impact a moving a new adult into their home. Nothing is consequence free - surely we’re well
past the point of expecting children to suck it up.

Report
UnbeatenMum · 07/02/2024 14:30

She sounds quite anxious to me. Needing to arrive at a set time and refusing to say goodbye to your Dad could both be social anxiety rather than a bad attitude. Especially if her friends aren't always in school as she would potentially be sitting on her own.

Report
C00k · 07/02/2024 14:30

@C8H10N4O2 he's the OP being 'punished'? She needs to prioritise her kid and parent in a compassionate manner and understand how unsettling it is to a child to have to move house and live with some man, and have your mother fuming over nothing.
The only reason to make kids live in a house with a new boyfriend is if it is in their best interests. Clearly not the case here.

Report
catwithflowers · 07/02/2024 14:33

C00k · 07/02/2024 13:58

She does not need to say please and thank you to you for taking her to and from school. That’s your job as a parent.
You uprooted her to facilitate your love life. Stop trying to paint the child as the villain, ffs.

😳 seriously? Of course she should say thank you for the lift to school!! In the same way that kids should say thank you for dinner when a parent has made it for them.

I'm amazed that anyone would think this level of rudeness in a teenager is okay. Yes teens are tricky, it's a hard time for them but as a parent you aren't making their lives any easier by encouraging such a basic lack of manners!

Report
Str3bor · 07/02/2024 14:34

TimetoPour · 07/02/2024 14:17

If you had phrased this differently, you would not have had such a hard time………

Teenage daughter’s attitude stinks. She is rude, ignores you and is deliberately defiant over small things. You know that moving was difficult for her and have done your best to help the transition by ensuring she stays in her previous school and you and new partner ensure she gets there and back each day. What can I do to make her recognise that we are not doormats and deserve ti be treated with the same level of respect we try to treat her with?

Instead, your post reads that you moved her across town and expect her to be grateful that you put yourself out to avoid her having to take public transport.

You need to address her attitude overall if she is rude and being generally unpleasant. Why does she feel this way? By sending her out on her own, you will push her further away and create an even more hostile situation.

Worded it well better than me, you should write my future posts!

exactly this.

OP posts:
Report
Mischance · 07/02/2024 14:35

what I’m trying to do is correct her behaviour and attitude - in order to do that you need to reflect on the cause of these, and they probably are not just her age. Some of the problem will be about an enforced move for your benefit that has been to her detriment. You cannot change her behaviour without trying to understand it. And letting her know that you understand.

Report
C00k · 07/02/2024 14:35

@catwithflowers As PPs have also said, no, of course people who chose to have a kid for not getting thanked for bare minimum tasks. Does your boss thank you for each tiny task you perform?
The kid has no choice but to go to school, the mother chose to uproot her, so nope, no thanking necessary.

Report
171513mum · 07/02/2024 14:39

An hour trip to or from school is not that bad, my kids have always done that for secondary along with loads of others. It's 15/20 mins drive but that's never been on the cards unless there's a train strike or some other problem. The difficulty is the change from one to the other. It depends how inconvenient it is for you.

I'd agree that no 14 year old says thank you for a lift to school. And it almost certainly hasn't crossed her mind that a 20 min trip for her is a 40 min trip for you. Maybe a compromise whereby you take her twice or three times a week, or when it's raining. Taking public transport sometimes might make her realise how much she appreciates the lifts.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Rosesanddaisies1 · 07/02/2024 14:42

So you’ve uprooted her life and made her live with a new stepdad? I would have HATED having to get a lift to school as a teen. Walking home from school was the best time of day. You need to cut her some slack

Report
Str3bor · 07/02/2024 14:43

C00k · 07/02/2024 14:35

@catwithflowers As PPs have also said, no, of course people who chose to have a kid for not getting thanked for bare minimum tasks. Does your boss thank you for each tiny task you perform?
The kid has no choice but to go to school, the mother chose to uproot her, so nope, no thanking necessary.

So I deserve to be treated with disrespect and bad attitude and everyone else around her does to?

Let me also be clear, she now gets taken too and from school rather than before when she had to get the bus, the school journey time is even less for her now she gets driven. She still sees her friends just as often as I still take her to them as I used to, I pick her friends up so they can stay over.

OP posts:
Report
DoILookThrilled · 07/02/2024 14:44

When did the obsession with taking children to / from secondary school start? She doesn’t NEED driving there. She had the choice to move schools but doesn’t want to and here are the consequences. Lots of children have a 1 hour journey to school and it’s not a biggy. If she’s being rude then don’t take her to school r

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.