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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Willyoujustbequiet · 07/02/2024 14:50

ohdamnitjanet · 07/02/2024 13:39

No wonder she’s pissed off with you, deliberately giving her potentially 2 hours travelling every day. That’s a long journey home. Quite honestly I wouldn’t have moved so far from her school.

This.

I find your attitude shocking tbh.

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Ponderingwindow · 07/02/2024 14:51

14yos have attitudes. They are testing the redefinition of the relationship with their parents . You shouldn’t take it too seriously. Correct the behavior if it is bad, but don’t overreact.

she doesn’t owe you a thank you for driving her to or from school. That is your job, especially having moved her away from her school.

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SoYoung · 07/02/2024 14:55

It's very telling that you want to "correct her behaviour and attitude". She's obviously very unhappy. Doesn't that matter? As long as she's polite you don't care about what's going on with her and what could be causing her behaviour or attitude as you put it?

It's not about driving to school/trains etc. She's your child, something is wrong, try starting there. Also, so many people on this thread are trying to get through to you and you're just batting it away. Why start the thread if you're not going to take any other insights on board? Was it just a "let's find ways to stick it to my ungrateful daughter" thread? Because that's awful. If you really wanted advice on how to make things better then you should take it.

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sunr111se · 07/02/2024 14:57

Your poor daughter

You made these decisions, not her. She sounds like she's struggling. She's a teenager - they are difficult at the best of times without a massive life upheaval! My dd gets narky in the mornings if I try to make her leave before the usual time ; it's just a teen thing! You've changed her life so it's your responsibility to sort it out. And yes if you and her dad were still together and decided to move so far away; it would still be the case.

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Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 14:59

Doesn’t mean she has to be rude.

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Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 15:01

That’s where you are so wrong and create rude entitled adults. She absolutely owes her mum a thank you as you would anyone who does something for you.

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lanthanum · 07/02/2024 15:01

How about taking the line of "sorry I lost my rag, and I promise I will continue taking you to school - I know it's not been easy moving over here and I do want to do what I can to help. I think what's making me get cross is just that I'd like you to understand that the lifts do take up quite a lot of time. I'd feel giving you the lifts is much more worthwhile if it did mean a smile and a thank you."

Try and have the conversation when she's in a good mood, even if that means waiting a few days. (I have all the difficult conversations with my DD on the way home from one particular activity, because that's when she's in the best mood!)

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Spinet · 07/02/2024 15:06

I would work on your relationship with her quite apart from the lifts thing. Make time to do nice things together. That way she's less likely to be rude but if she is (being, after all, a teenager) it's not the only dynamic between you.

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Coyoacan · 07/02/2024 15:09

I'm a great believer in gratitude but I take my dgd to school nearly every day and it's never occurred to me that she should thank me for it

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C8H10N4O2 · 07/02/2024 15:11

C00k · 07/02/2024 14:30

@C8H10N4O2 he's the OP being 'punished'? She needs to prioritise her kid and parent in a compassionate manner and understand how unsettling it is to a child to have to move house and live with some man, and have your mother fuming over nothing.
The only reason to make kids live in a house with a new boyfriend is if it is in their best interests. Clearly not the case here.

Edited

Again - so mothers should not enter new relationships whilst they have children?
She has allowed the child to make the choices about schools, is ensuring she has a chauffeur service to and from school every day. Both the DM and her DP are providing a taxi service.
She is asking for help in how to deal with a teenager's moods - my kids neither moved home nor dealt with changes in relationship status at this age and we had exactly the same bouts of taxi service ingratitude and moodiness. Its normal teen behaviour.

The definition of "compassion" here is that the mother avoids relationships not because the DP may be harmful to the DC but simply because one teen of the two is having moods about moving. What about the other child who is happy and doing well at the better school - do his views not matter?

These are all variations on "mothers can't move on until the kids leave home". Its just not realistic. Change happens, sometimes by choice for the overall good and sometimes because we have to deal with it. What the OP is asking for is help dealing with very familiar teen moods and hormones and change. The answer "nothing must ever change" helps nobody but just flings blame at her. Teens don't need anything to change to have these bouts of moods.

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disappearingfish · 07/02/2024 15:11

Sorry, very, very normal teen behaviour. 14 is a very difficult, tiring age for kids. There's a lot of school work, friend issues and other stuff to navigate alongside the hormones and brain changes. She will grow out of it. I don't let it get to me, DH gets really riled and it causes more problems than it solves.

Bringing a snack for the ride home may elicit some conversation.

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C00k · 07/02/2024 15:16

@C8H10N4O2 just enjoy dating without dragging the existing kids in to it. Very rarely is it in their best interests to have some boyfriend inflicted on them. I speak from experience. Not interested in reading the rest of your paragraphs. Hopefully OP can do better by her kid and stop being so angry.

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Tempnamechng · 07/02/2024 15:18

My teens have never thanked me either for getting them to school - brats!!
It doesn't matter why you moved, the fact is you did. Her life was 40 minutes away. 14 year olds aren't rational, i don't think its a particularly easy age, but she shouldn't be rude to you. I wouldn't be threatening to withdraw the taxi service, but I would be having conversations about speaking to you in a respectful way.

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Beamur · 07/02/2024 15:25

FWIW I would keep giving her lifts. Rise above the attitude. Make it clear that rudeness will not be tolerated but I would just ignore sulky silence.
She will come out the other side. She obviously feels terribly hard done by and removing the lifts will only cement her attitudes! Smile and seethe inside 😂

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Str3bor · 07/02/2024 15:25

Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 15:01

That’s where you are so wrong and create rude entitled adults. She absolutely owes her mum a thank you as you would anyone who does something for you.

This is my worry, she won’t grow out of it as it’s other people she is like this with too. Had to remind her to thank people at Christmas for the gifts she had been given. Buy her treats she never says thanks. Walks in the room and tells me in a rude tone how she needs deodorant, not mum next time you go the shop can you get me some deodorant please. Booked a holiday and told her we were going to Spain and her response was why can’t we go to Dubai. And that’s just a snapshot.

OP posts:
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apprenticeta · 07/02/2024 15:26

what comments? you literally came here and asked for help and dont like the response your getting and are saying these comments your daughter didnt deservr to move far and thats that .

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wizwiz1 · 07/02/2024 15:27

i also think your trying hard to make her look so bad so we can all agree with you .

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Februarydaffodil · 07/02/2024 15:29

She sounds like a typical teen all be it a pretty unhappy one .

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Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 15:29

They do grow out of it.

Nearly all teens go through a rude and entitled stage at some point.

Just because a two year old throws tantrums, it doesn't mean they'll be like that as an adult.

Teens are just as self centred and prone to meltdowns as toddlers, and much more worried about what their friends think than their parents think. This is developmentally normal - not all teens go through it badly in the same way that some toddlers don't really do tantrum but most do.

It doesn't mean she will be a bad adult, or that she is spoiled.

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x88mph · 07/02/2024 15:32

I think she's just being like a lot of other teens. It's very unpleasant but it's just a stage. I took 2 buses to school at that age. On the rare occasion a parent saved me that double bus ride by picking me up, I just took it for granted in that self centred way many teens do. I would never have been rude to other relatives though. I don't know how you change the attitude, my Dsis was an awful teen but at some point seemingly overnight transformed into a lovely, caring woman.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 07/02/2024 15:34

The definition of "compassion" here is that the mother avoids relationships not because the DP may be harmful to the DC but simply because one teen of the two is having moods about moving.

Its not about avoiding relationships, it’s recognising that when you move another adult into your home you change the dynamic, you introduce another authority figure into the child’s life and in this case move away from their familiar. Those changes have an impact on everyone living in the home but most of all on the children who have no say in the matter and are expected to get on with it, and be appreciative.

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SpraggleWaggle · 07/02/2024 15:34

You should keep giving her lifts. An hour is a long journey at the end of the school day and with homework still to do.

Separately and without threats, have a chat about how she’s feeling about the move. As part of that you can talk about how you feel when she snaps at you and try to come to a place of understanding between you. But I wouldn’t demand thanks for taking her to school.

This will sound silly but it’s basically like the plot of Inside Out and you could watch that together - frame it as a nostalgia trip- or just you watch it as it will give you some insight into her state of mind.

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Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 15:36

TeenLifeMum · 07/02/2024 13:56

What teen says “thank you” for taking them to school 😂😂😂

You’ve turned her world on its head and now she has to live with mum’s guy and get a bus/train home after school. I couldn’t be bothered with that either - I would drive her both ways. Speak to her about how you expect to be spoken to but threats to get the train in the morning seem out of proportion when you’ve put this on her.

Mine always said Thankyou

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Springpug · 07/02/2024 15:36

Well you put yourself first ..before your children
Did they get a say in moving in with your boyfriend did they get a say in moving away from their home and friends and probably family ...
Wel ,op ,you got what you wanted, a new life with your boyfriend,I think you've got of lightly if all your getting back is a bit of rudeness .
Teens are rude anyway,so that's nothing new .
I wouldn't worry to much ,she will probably leave home asap ,kids who aren't put first generally do

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Beamur · 07/02/2024 15:40

Separately and without threats, have a chat about how she’s feeling about the move. As part of that you can talk about how you feel when she snaps at you and try to come to a place of understanding between you. But I wouldn’t demand thanks for taking her to school
This is nice advice. I would actually try and create opportunities for conversation away from home and let her express feelings - even if she's complaining about things that won't change. Listen, sympathise and try and find a little rapport. Love her even when she's not very lovable.

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