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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/02/2024 13:56

I don't think she has to be thankful you drive her to school or to see friends when you've made the choice to move her away from those things. Getting your school age child to and from school and taking them to see friends are very basic parts of parenting. You're seeing it as you and your partner deserving thanks for that, whereas rightly she's just seeing it as something you need to so because you chose to move.

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audweb · 07/02/2024 13:57

Shes your kid, and your responsibility. You chose to move away, and I assumed agreed that it was fine for her to remain at the same school because you could facilitate that. Why does she need to thank you for every lift? Honestly, I think it would be incrediably harsh to stop those just because she's grumpy. And yes, if there is a set time to leave, why pressure to leave earlier? Just give her the minute or two that she normally has.

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GingerIsBest · 07/02/2024 13:57

I think moving so that you're 20 minutes drive away but an hour by public transport was a bit ridiculous. Surely there was some compromise that would allow her to stay in the school she was in - necessary for her year group - and that would allow her more flexibility to get around and see her friends etc?

Being rude is not okay, but it sounds to me like she's pretty resentful. Prior to moving, did she have a lot of independence? Heading to to see friends/meet up without too much difficulty? DH and I have talked about this exact issue as we'd quite like to move, but a big consideration is that DS needs to stay at his current school and while we're happy to do a certain amount of lifting - we already do - we wouldn't want to make it so that he couldn't be as independent and as flexible as he is currently as it's something he really enjoys. So, for example, one area which would be good for us as it's quite nice and w could get a bit more for our money is off our consideration list because it's just too difficult for DS to go anywhere without being driven.

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C00k · 07/02/2024 13:58

She does not need to say please and thank you to you for taking her to and from school. That’s your job as a parent.
You uprooted her to facilitate your love life. Stop trying to paint the child as the villain, ffs.

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Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:58

She was like this before we moved. She doesn’t want to go to school, most of her friends now just don’t go at all and the ones that are left are always off sick and she hates that I make her go. I suppose that’s why she is never going to say please or thanks.

maybe about once every 2 weeks she has to make her own way home if I can’t get her due to work reasons and she kicks off.

I don’t mind doing the school run or taking her to her friends but i suppose it’s her attitude I’m trying to address and her behaviour towards myself and others

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BananaPyjamaLlama · 07/02/2024 13:58

I get that it wasnt her choice to live further away from the school and of course she doesnt want to switch schools and leave her friends.
But her attitude is appalling. I would insist she behave appropriately (polite, thankful, not make a fuss about being 10 minutes early etc) or she goes on public transport.

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TinkerTiger · 07/02/2024 13:58

You sound like the kind of mother we heard about on MN whose child decides to go NC. You've moved your children FOR A MAN and want her to be grateful.

I never thanked my parents for ferrying me around, does your boss thank you every day for doing your job?

I swear the attitude to children sometimes is shocking. Seems like once they're out of nappies they should be fully independent looking after themselves and kissing the ground for you keeping them alive.

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MarnieMarnie · 07/02/2024 13:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Wasbedeudetetdas · 07/02/2024 14:00

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:58

She was like this before we moved. She doesn’t want to go to school, most of her friends now just don’t go at all and the ones that are left are always off sick and she hates that I make her go. I suppose that’s why she is never going to say please or thanks.

maybe about once every 2 weeks she has to make her own way home if I can’t get her due to work reasons and she kicks off.

I don’t mind doing the school run or taking her to her friends but i suppose it’s her attitude I’m trying to address and her behaviour towards myself and others

Before you moved and also before the new relationship, or only before you moved?

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Jellycatspyjamas · 07/02/2024 14:00

You are the adult, and you decided to move her away from her school and her friends. The consequence of that decision is that she needs help getting to and from school and maintaining her social life. I think an hour each way is a lot on top of a school day, so I’d be dropping her off/picking her up.

I don’t expect my kids to thank me for getting them to and from school, it’s my job as their parent to facilitate that. Given you made a move that makes it difficult for her to travel independently, I wouldn’t expect to be thanked.

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Mischance · 07/02/2024 14:01

I think others have properly pointed out that you have caused a big shift in her life so that you can be with your partner. This has happened at a tricky age for her, and it sounds as though the distance also has an impact on her social life. She is bound to be fed up about all this.

I do not remember my DDs going out of their way to thank me for every lift to school. And there were plenty of them! Let this pass. From her point of view she would not have needed the blessed lift if you had not uprooted her.

I think you should tackle this from a different angle and say to her that you do understand that the house move has made her life more difficult and that you want to try and ease this in any way you can. You need her onside rather than being in conflict.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 07/02/2024 14:01

How long have you and her dad been split up

How long have you been with new partner

Why did you move in with him

Why couldn't bf have moved in with you ?

So she has been uprooted from her home. Friends. And had a new step father in the process plus hormones

Yes she could be politer but you have caused this situation

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HauntingSounds · 07/02/2024 14:04

Poor girl. You chose to move in with your partner miles away from your daughters school at a really important time. And you want her to be happy and grateful? My daughter is in year 10 and I know she wouldn’t cope well with that at all.

You need to build a good relationship with your daughter, that should have been the priority, not moving her away from her school and friends in such an important year too. You r behaved selfishly and need to repair the damage.

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MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 07/02/2024 14:04

I'm also a school taxi for my 14yo (yr10) and I don't think she has ever uttered a thank you for taking her or picking her up from school.

What I do is park up, and tell her I love her and to have a good day every morning, even if she just grunts at me. That's life with teenagers.

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Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2024 14:05

You have a bigger issue here than just getting to/from school

shes a teenager with raging hormones, had to move away from where she was because mummy wants to live with someone else, it’s more difficult to get to school now, unless she moves, because YOU wanted to live with someone, and loses her friends as well as it’s more difficult to see them

Cut her some slack, she’s right, you chose to move, she didn’t she was forced

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Snugglemonkey · 07/02/2024 14:05

Yabu. She has a lot to be pissed off about.

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eyeslikebutterflies · 07/02/2024 14:05

You need to separate the two things: you moving (and being cross she didn't want to change schools for your convenience) and her rudeness.

Teenagers ARE rude. It's not great, and sometimes my own DS gets me down. But I calmly remind him to be polite. If he speaks to me like shit on his shoe then he gets less from me - lifts, money, screen time. But it's all done super calmly and not in the heat of the moment, and it works. If you shout at a teenager you've lost the argument already: they're too emotionally immature to do anything other than be outraged that you've lost your shit.

Work on that. Forget about the driving - that's on you, and the bare minimum you should be doing. If you resent it, think how she must feel, being dragged away from her home, school and friends.

(My parents moved when I was the same age, to a "nicer" area that was miles from anywhere, and I left home at 17 and never went back. They made me feel like I didn't have a say in where we lived, but if it's a family home, it's not just YOUR home, and if you want a longer term relationship with your kids then perhaps think about them as fully functioning people, not annoyances who don't get a say in family decisions.)

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Goalandgate · 07/02/2024 14:06

I think you can absolutely have a conversation about getting to school without making it a battle.
"DD I notice you getting frustrated with us in the morning when leaving for school, we need to be on time for work so would you prefer we drop you at the train station &, you can make your own way from there if the timings suit better?" Then if she says no, you say that's fine we are happy to take & collect you as long as we can be out the door by X time. I don't think punishing her will work. She's clearly frustrated about getting to school from the new house. But it won't harm her. When I was 15 we moved 2 buses away from school due to DV & I had to get a train & bus to a new area and was absolutely fine. Teens are ungrateful & stroppy in general so pick your battles!

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Str3bor · 07/02/2024 14:06

Just to make it clear I have never once tried to move her schools, she was given the option, she said no which is fine understandable and I have and will continue to be happy to do the school run.

what I’m trying to do is correct her behaviour and attitude

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2in13 · 07/02/2024 14:06

We lived in a big city and girls at my school travelled from all over the city so it was quite normal to travel an hour to get home.

She didn't choose to be in this position but eventually I'd expect her to take public transport if she wanted to stay at the school. Maybe not straight away but I wouldn't drive her everyday (if she's difficult in the morning) for the rest of her years at the school.

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C8H10N4O2 · 07/02/2024 14:08

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

There will always be posters quick to tell you that as the mother you must stay single and do nothing until your children are at least 30. In real world life moves on. If she is being dropped off at school in the mornings and collected at night then she is better off than most kids who have to make their own way to and from school.

TBH she is being 14 and would likely be much the same if you were still with her DF - possibly on different topics. We all go through this. I used to set the boundaries around things I really cared about - being rude and obnoxious to family members was one of those boundaries but you may have to be really direct in terms of how hurtful she is being. Does she really want to hurt her DGP just to try and get under your skin?
On other topics sometimes you just have to roll your eyes, grit your teeth and remind yourself that at some point she will grow up.

Where you need to be careful is to watch for underlying issues. Any patterns or anything other than "normal" teen moods, problems with friends and these days you need to monitor phone/social media use quite closely.

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mitogoshi · 07/02/2024 14:11

I'm completely understanding op. She is doing what most teens do, taking you for granted. An hour each way is normal for many kids. She's guilting you because you moved. Well tough as far as I can see, she's a child you are the adult.

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NeverTrustAPoliceman · 07/02/2024 14:11

Are the roads too busy to cycle? I had six miles each way by bike when I was her age, mostly along main roads.

But with teenagers, whatever you do will be wrong. It's the nature of the beast.

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Babadook76 · 07/02/2024 14:14

Your attitude is appalling imo. Your poor daughter. She’s had her world tipped upside down because her mum decided to out her new boyfriend first. I wouldn’t be surprised if she cut ties with you as soon as she is able. Not even sure why you’re asking on here. As you’re refusing to listen to anyone telling you how cruel you’ve been. Hopefully her grades and future won’t get too messed up due to your life choices

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Dweetfidilove · 07/02/2024 14:15

@Str3bor How long has her attitude been poor? If she’s always been rude, why was it tolerated?
Surely it’s now worse as well, as you’ve made her life that much more difficult.

She should stay in her school at this stage as moving once you’ve started Y10 can be incredibly disruptive.

Why would you consider forcing a 1 hour journey where you can cover a 20 minutes car commute. Can you imagine the struggle you’ll then create, especially for a child who doesn’t already want to attend school?

You need to work on your relationship and her attitude, as it sounds like that is the most immediate issue.

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