Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

If you were my friend, I couldn’t have left you know matter how much I wanted to go back to the accommodation.

What was the risk if it was that busy?
Hardly going to get raped or murdered in front of hoards of people,
Get over yourself!

For a whole group to decide it was too busy to see the thing you'd gone for, there are 3 possibilities. It really was too busy, dangerously so, so no, you chose to take the risk so that's up to you. Second possibility, your friends are a bunch of wet lettuces and you probably should look for a different group. Third possibility, there's a leader who decided it was too busy and the rest followed, which isn't a great group dynamic.
I think it was pretty obvious when they said they were going back to the hotel they meant just that, so I'm not sure why you thought it meant 'one of us is going to wait in the busy street for you' so I think once you knew their intentions any risk you took by being out alone until 1am was on you.

I think the same. It wouldn't have bothered me...I can sort myself out.

I wouldn't have wanted to go to a firework display just because I dont enjoy them and generally avoid places with really huge crowds because I don't like them either!

But I have no problem splitting from a group to do what I want - I'd prefer a pub/bar though to see a live band and have been away on my own for weekends and done that.

If I'd gone off to do my own thing, I wouldn't expect anyone who didn't want to be there to wait for me, though, and, tbh, that would spoil my enjoyment of it because I'd be aware that they were all standing somewhere bored and waiting for me. I'd also be quite happy to travel back to a hotel on my own and would expect someone who felt similarly comfortable doing their own thing to also be happy to do that.

I used to go on walking holidays with some friends of mine and we always had a great time but we were stuck in the middle of nowhere and had to make our own entertainment. I know we'd have been terrible together on a different type of holiday because we were all so different in what we saw as 'fun'.

The suggestions that they should have offered you the option of returning to the hotel with them are a bit surprising as you'd already made it very clear you wanted to stay so would have been unlikely to want to leave.

I think you're right to just decide that these aren't people who have the same idea of a good time on holiday as you and do your own holidays. I don't think you are right in your assessment of what a good time is anymore than they are though. You're just different.

I think yabu if you wanted to see them and they didn’t then no they shouldn’t have stayed out late waiting for you
that’s more unfair imo
if you didn’t want to be alone you should have stayed in the group

Your friends told you they didn't feel comfortable in the crowds and wanted to get back, but you're now cross that at least one of them didn't wait alone in the street after you'd gone to the bridge, so you could walk back together? As others have said, if you didn't want to end up on your own, you should've compromised and stayed in the group like you think they should've done by hanging around waiting for you to finish your oohs and aahs.

I’m a bit puzzled at the gap between ‘left all alone in a foreign country — waah’ and ‘I’m much more brave and into pushing my comfort zone than my timid friends’.

I’m assuming the ‘we prefer coffee shops to bars’ friends were unlikely to have gone on holiday to a Brazilian favela or Kandahar. It does sound rather as though, because you think they’re dull and timid, you also think they should have been content to wait meekly while you did your thing. (I’d have done it too, but wouldn’t have expected anyone to wait — nothing kills the moment like knowing there are four people looking at their watches up the street.)

But different people enjoy different things. What you real mean is you wish your friends are more like you and want to do the same as you.

I've been on a number of trips with friends and I just have to accept that the itinerary wouldn't be exactly what I would choose. One group enjoys shopping on a mini break - we usually split up for a few hours for that now and I will find a museum or something else to walk to instead.

I'm also what some people delightfully refer to here as a wet lettuce. I have no interest in staying out late in bars or busy crowds, but I'm perfectly happy to make my own way back to the hotel.

I noticed on a recent ladies ski trip where none of us knew each other that some people feel entitled to judge others choices- regardless of wether it impacts them or not. So it was remarked upon when I went to bed early one evening- we were in the hotel I wasn't stopping anyone else staying up, and when I chose to do less skiing than some others - again wasn't stopping them.

OP go if you want to on the next trip, but own your own choices and don't expect the group to mould themselves around you.

I think you were being difficult unfortunately. I'm terrified of crowds and getting crushed and there's no way I'd have stayed out if I started to feel unsafe. It was your decision to stay out.

I hate crowds so understand it's not nice when suddenly things get busy

But would it really have killed then to find a standing spot on the edge somewhere to hang back and wait for you for 10 minutes? As I'm assuming you'd potentially return the favour for one of them. After all I'm guessing that having researched where you we're going and what you were doing it may have been obvious there would have been a chance it would have been busy?

I don't think you're being unreasonable

This

Reading ahead it seems I'm an outlier on this

But OP wanted to see the fireworks and they wanted to leave before they started, so they would have had to wait a long time for her feeling uncomfortable and tired, or OP would have missed the fireworks.

And leaving an area at the same time as thousands of other people takes time too.

I agree completely with this - especially at that time in the morning.

Absolutely if hanging around for them to start would be longer than the actual fireworks especially if it's cold. Not nice especially when everyone is jostling around you. Still doable though and sometimes to soak up the place your visiting it's a necessary evil

If it's about to start though it seems a shame to miss a local festival.

I agree with this. You made the choice, are you equally annoyed with the first ones that went home? It’s all the same thing (to me).

It sounds like you were the we only one interested in the fireworks. You made your choice to plough on alone. Nobody did anything wrong.

You made the decision to go alone. It was therefore safe to assume that you felt safe and comfortable being alone.

when they messaged to say they were going back it wasn’t an option at that point for me to realistically get out quickly and go with them.

Would they have waited? What would have happened if you had told them that you wanted to return with them and asked them to please wait?

That‘s what it comes down to imo. You didn’t ask, so you’ll never know… But it doesn’t sound as if they’ve given you any reason to assume that they wouldn’t have waited!

at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok?

So one person who apparently didn’t feel comfortable being in the crowd and wanted to go home would have needed to stay with you? That‘s a completely unreasonable and self-centred expectation.

I think it was slightly annoying everyone having to wait for you for hey felt uncomfortable but that being said I would never have left a friend alone.

There’s nothing intrinsically unsafe about “foreign” and I assume there were lots of other revellers like you about (probably families too?). It’s not like they left you down a deserted back alley in Bogata is it?

I think YABU. You chose to do something alone, expecting them to all wait for you. Either do it alone without moaning or go back with them.

Exactly this. YABVVVU.

I’ve just read your other update. So you’re pissed off that they left you alone, but you want another of the women, who had said they definitely didn’t want to be alone, to wait, alone, for you. Yabvu.

But would you? Your post is all about how you did what you wanted and are miffed that others didn't do what you wanted. So we are to believe that if your friend wanted to do something and you didn't you'd just say "ok" and do it?