Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

The consensus on here is predictable but your gut instinct after this incident is that something is off about your friendship with these people based on their lack of regard for you and therefore it probably is.

I am like you OP! I’m adventurous and like to try new things, and if something interesting is going on I hate to miss out on it. However, I wouldn’t expect my friends to wait around for me while I do it, it’s not really very fair on them. Sometimes you need to be brave enough to strike out on your own.

Secretly though the opinion I had of my friends would be slightly diminished by them not wanting to try these things too, a part of me would find them boring. I have to work hard on accepting we’re not all the same.

I think you're manufacturing a problem to be annoyed. If you were worried about being left alone in a foreign city then you wouldn't have gone down alone surely? You can't then be annoyed after the decision you made for yourself? They are well within their rights to make a decision based on what they feel comfortable with, as you did when you went to watch them by yourself. You can't really be annoyed that you made that decision and they didn't. It doesn't make sense.

Whatever the nuances of timing, message and understanding it seems a bit of an over reaction to be avoiding them since.

Unless they really aren’t a great fit as friends anyway.

I wouldn’t leave a friend alone in an unfamiliar place, but also understand that not everyone shares my values.

I’ve actually been in this situation before, where a friend wanted to stay out drinking and I did not!
I chose to switch over to water, stay with them and enjoy myself

I wouldn’t like to leave a friend alone and I think they should’ve messaged you before they left. However, it is unreasonable for you to expect a group of people to wait at your leisure. As much as you wanted to see it, because it was nighttime, for your own safety, you shouldn't have split from the group.

I wouldn’t leave a friend but I also wouldn’t have been upset with being left… neither in wrong, all adults with responsibility for
themselves

Your were unrealistic.

They should have given you the choice thou.

It's really hard to say who's at fault (if anyone) without having full details. If the 'sideline' girls had rang/texted you to say they were feeling uncomfortable with the crowds and were going home now I'd have expected you to respond with either OK see you later, or wait for me, I'm coming back.
If they rang/texted and you didn't answer and they felt 'at risk' I think itscgmfaur game they left.
I'm unsure why you think going it alone late at night into a crowd of festival goers is safe yet walking home isn't. They probably thought you were less risk averse than them and were an adult capable of making your own decisions.
Odd that you're still broading about it. Is this more about you realiseing they're not your tribe?

You were NBU to want to see the display - I'd have wanted too, as well. You were, however, BU to expect the others to hang around waiting for you when they didn't want to.

You're all adults; none of you needs to make yourself uncomfortable to suit others. There's no reason why you couldn't have the experience you wanted - as you did - then made your own way back, as you did.

They could or should have texted you to say they were heading back, but maybe they thought you'd play your face about it?

Is this half a story?

a full group of women felt uncomfortable so went home

personally this doesn’t sound like a firework show

odd that all of those felt uncomfortable and you were fine

who would you have liked to stay and feel unsafe for you ?

It depends on the country but I would have been fine being left alone. It sounds like a safe event and you had a phone and am sure could manage to get back by yourself if you were only half an hour from the hotel

I have close friends like these. If I declared my intention to go out on my own like you did when travelling, I wouldn’t expect them to wait. I’ve announced I’m doing something they don’t want to do, that’s on me. If staying with the group were the important thing I’d have stayed with the group.

It is so selfish to expect them to wait for you till 1 in the morning. What did you expect them to do? Just stand there like lemons just so that you could watch fireworks? They weren’t feeling safe and wanted to go home but you kept them out until they were fed up and went home.

😂 so you wanted them to hang back at the other end of the street, just standing there in the middle of the crowds, waiting for you to have your little jolly and then to be safely escorted back to your hotel room? Or at the very least you expected one of them to be waiting for you at the other end of the street, feeling unsafe while you are having a jolly. YABVU (and selfish).

Were you in Mogadishu? Or somewhere really dangerous? Were you drunk? If not, it's not an issue. A shame you feel it's ruined the trip though.

You are at fault for being annoyed by it.

They said it was too busy and they didn't want to go into a more crowded area. You were fine with it so went. They were then still not having a good time so wanted to leave and told you they were leaving. You seem to have expected them to have a shitty time waiting for you to decide when you wanted to leave so to escort you back to the hotel.

Don't wander off doing your own thing then expect people to be uncomfortable or pissed off waiting for you to finish your lone enjoyment to walk you back to the hotel.

I have quite often been in a group abroad where I have wanted to do something different to the group (sometimes I'm ready to go back to the hotel, other times I want to go to another venue or stay out later). I have no issue being alone in a foreign city but if I did I wouldn't leave the group. On occasion people have been drama queens about 'Emma we can't possibly leave you' etc etc. it's frankly irritating to be infantilized. If I tell you I'm fine, believe me, I'm an adult and capable of making my own choices. And for that reason if a friend decided to go off alone I would assume she was comfortable so doing.

You deliberately chose to put yourself in the position of going it alone.
It wasn’t their choice for you to leave them and go it alone, it was yours. Presumably, being an adult, you had weighed up the risks of being stuck in a massive, growing crowd on your own and the risks of walking back alone.

How long did you expect them to wait around for you ? Had they agreed that they would wait a certain time or wait until you had finished wanting to go it alone even if that took hours and hours. Did you really believe that they would still be patiently waiting for you once you decided you had had enough of being alone. Did you consider that the situation could change for them with growing, jostling crowds, whist waiting for you and that they might become uncomfortable with that, as a group. When they messaged to say they were returning to the hotel, did you tell them you suddenly felt vulnerable and would prefer they waited for you?

You feel bad that they left you alone. But they didn’t leave you alone. You left them, giving the signal that you were perfectly fine to be out alone away from them.
You took a risk which backfired as you got a little bit lost and suddenly felt vulnerable no doubt.
You were ok in the end, making it safely back to the hotel thank goodness. But lesson learned I’d say. Put it down to experience OP. And move on.

You decided to do something no one else wanted to do. You expected them to wait around for you, they didn’t want to. No one was in the wrong here, you got to do what you wanted (and no one else did), and they didn’t have to stand there for ages waiting for one person.

I'm usually very much team 'Never leave a friend behind' especially if that involves a lone female walking through the streets alone in the middle of the night, in a foreign country! Doesn't sound safe at all!!

However in this scenario I do not think you can blame your friends and I don't think this is a sign of them being poor friends or not caring about you so I do hope you can move past it emotionally and learn to be close to them again. I definitely think it's forgivable.

Crowds can be very dangerous and certainly can be very uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I adore fireworks but I wouldn't want to be part of a very large crowd at all and I would have been one of the one trying to get the hell out of there ASAP.

Once you separated off alone, even with best will in the world you may have realistically struggled to all meet back up anyways. But also once you split up you have to accept that you're now separate and dealing with different situations as they come. They found their area getting busy too and plans change and they wanted to go. The decision would be made as a group, to include the people who were part of the group. You left the group by choice. Because you wanted to be solo and suit yourself. And that's what you got to do. They stuck with a group and made group decisions. You can't ask for all the benefits of a group (safety, company, people considering you in their plans) but none of the negatives (considering other people's wants and needs, not getting all your own way).
And people are right, in your ideal scenario one poor friend (who hated the crowds and wanted to go home) would have been left stood ALONE waiting for an hour or so for you, not even able to see the fireworks. Poor them! I agree maybe they could have text you to go option to join them but was that realistic? Would that have required waiting for an hour anyways while you pushed your way back through the crowd to get to them? Maybe they knew there was no chance of that.
I think they were right to all leave and if anything they might all be a little annoyed/put off you to find you're really not a team player. Makes it awkward to go on trips with people who aren't willing to go with the flow of the group ...

Op I'm with you I wouldn't have left a friend alone in a foreign country. I would have insisted we waited and walk back together

You decided to go. You can’t expect them to wait around until 1am for you!
If you didn’t want to be alone you wouldn’t have gone off by yourself.

You are an adult. It was your choice to stay with the group or head over alone, you choose the latter, and they were right to respect your autonomy.

I really don’t think they should have gone back without you. It was dangerous and that would have annoyed me.

You should have stayed with the group to be honest and in those crowd situations you might not have found them again anyway.