Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

What was dangerous?

I don’t see the problem. You were in a busy city and presumably had Google maps. It was fine. They didn’t want to stay out, you did. If they had left you up a mountain or something you’d have a point but in a city with loads of people about, no

I’m a bit puzzled at the gap between ‘left all alone in a foreign country — waah’ and ‘I’m much more brave and into pushing my comfort zone than my timid friends’.

Yep.

I also find it odd that the friends are being called wusses, when it's OP who was upset about walking back alone

YABU. I'm in my sixties and have gone on a lot of 'girls trips'.

If I'm out of step with group plans, whether long established or revised at the last minute I don't expect my companions to hang about waiting to escort me home. I wouldn't even expect my husband to do that. I'm a sensible adult who can read a map, get on a train, hail a tuk-tuk or dial an Uber without an escort. My brain doesn't stop functioning when the plane takes off from Heathrow.

Obviously there are exceptions, in Rio de Janeiro for example crime rates are very high so I didn't go out and about on my own but that clearly wasn't the case here because you were happy enough to split from them for a view of the fireworks.

last month I was in Florida with a mixed group. At one point myself and a friend were at a venue I was enjoying whilst he was obviously very bored and urging me to hurry up so we could leave. In the end we had a bit of a row about it because I felt he was judging me incapable of taking care of myself at a perfectly safe tourist attraction. Common sense prevailed. He went home and enjoyed hanging out by the pool while I stayed on and had a good time at my own pace. I even enjoyed my solo bus ride home.

Of course, but friends are just secondary characters to op and some pp here. Boring and 'wusses' for not following the cool, exciting, adventurous people of the group..

If I was happy enough to go off alone and watch the fireworks then I'd be happy enough to make my own way home on foot or by taxi and wouldn't have expected them to wait or given this a second thought, but I've done a lot of solo travelling.

YABU because you split off from the group. The majority wanted to go back, you wanted to stay out. You either go with the majority or stay out alone. You don't confirm, but I assume it was all fine as you don't mention anything bad happening, so what's the worry?

I would never leave a friend alone but TBH, if you were the only one wanting to stay out, I think you are being unreasonable expecting someone else to stay with you.

If you now feel more free to decline invitations to things you don't fancy, are you going to propose some things you do fancy that they might like? Otherwise you will end up not being friends I think.

The group didn’t leave you alone though, you left them. You went off on your own, I don’t understand how you expected them to stand about the street waiting for you?

Firstly I would very probably have made the same decisions as you

But you need to let it go, once you broke off from them they probably though she's fine, you had already chosen to be alone in the city so it probably wasn't that dangerous.

As you said though they are more reserved than you, don't mention this but maybe don't go away with them again. Or adjust your expectations if you do

It sounds like you were the only one who wanted to see them and the others made it pretty clear from the start they didn't.

You were also alone anyway - what would your friends have done at the end of a long and crowded street if you had got into trouble? I think if you thought it was okay to do that you'd be fine getting yourself back.

Bit dramatic going on about a foreign country at 1am. I am assuming you're an adult. Women are always being told to not go out alone after dark when the real threat is in their own homes - it's a way to keep us in line imo.

I think if mobile signal/Google Maps had worked, OP wouldn't have been at all upset about walking back alone. But it's natural to get a bit upset, and even a bit anxious, even if you're a capable solo traveller, when you suddenly realise you might be lost in a foreign city. And then there's the moment when you realise where you are at the same time as realising you're still a 40-minute walk from where you need to be. And you irrationally take it out (in your head) on the people you're travelling with - if only they'd done this or that then I wouldn't be trudging around in the dark for God knows how long...

I've been there, DP and I were on holiday and with some friends in a bar, he felt tired so went back to our apartment early. I thought I knew the way back and would be fine. Which I was eventually but there was a 10-minute period of walking down the wrong road, getting lost and feeling a bit panicky but also annoyed at DP (even though I had literally told him to go back).

All that said while I understand the OP's perspective, I don't think it's her friends' fault at all and I don't think it's something to fall out over.

Group holidays are all about the group. If you thought it wasn’t safe, why did you go on your own in the first place?
Also, where was it? Foreign countries aren’t by definition less safe.

How long were the fireworks?

TBH if you'd gone off on your own to see the fireworks, I'd have felt you were taking a risk and that was on you. They're not babysitters, they're friends of which they all agreed that they wanted to go back, stay back etc.

You split off to start with, so I'd assume you were happy doing your own thing, which you seem to say you are when away?

I don't think it was awful, they weren't to know you would get lost, which would cause you angst.

I think you've realised you want different things from these trips.
I'd have been like you op and just sucked up that meant I was on my own.
Seriously though how busy was it that a group of adult women had to leave an outdoor event they knew was going to be busy that would have frustrated me no end.

Basically you’re pissed off that your friends are boring for not embracing this particular event like you wanted them to. You think you’re better than them because you like to do more adventurous things and push your comfort zone. Except you were expecting them all to be waiting for you to escort you home as you were “all alone in a foreign country”. You sound very entitled and selfish, If you’re on a group holiday you need to go with the majority or go it alone not expecting everyone else to fall in line with your wishes.

Perhaps you made them feel unsafe because you wanted go closer / into the busy crowds. You decided to split from the group to do what you wanted, so I don’t think you can really expect them to all wait for you when they already feel uncomfortable? You chose to stay, of course you’re walking back to the hotel yourself.

Agree with PP - I don’t think you can be “the adventurous one” who pushes on alone when everyone else is too nervous and boring, but also annoyed to be left all alone.

Sounds like they were nervous, and a bit worried about staying out. As time went by they became more uncomfortable and thought 'this is silly, she's happy to do this, we're unhappy so why are we hanging around to escort her when she doesn't feel the need'. So you are being unreasonable. Either you were comfortable doing your own thing, or you stick with the group. You can't expect them to wait around at night, in crowds, feeling uncomfortable to escort you home.

I havent got time to read the whole thread but I would not have left you in that situation, it was a one off, i would have gone to the spot with you and made sure you got back ok

The thing that bugs be about all of this is the amount of effort and thought women have to put into their safety when out alone. It's endlessly sad. I'm glad for you that you're confident and got to see the thing. I totally would not have wanted to do that and may well only have clocked it once I got a sense for it, but at the point when you left them the plan was they'd wait. That added to your safety but they then changed their minds and this added to your risk level. I get that. In hindsight, better communication and forward planning was needed, but it's an endlessly sad state of affairs.

You sound like one of those annoying people who now need to go to the toilet after we just left the house and now need to find the loo when it's difficult.

The crowds didn't deter you so you gave the impression that you are big and bold enough to go alone so I don't blame them at all. So you wanted them to hang around waiting while you watched the fireworks, when they felt uncomfortable? Sorry but they didn't do anything wrong. They were sensible to stay back if they felt the crowds were too much, you were the one that put yourself in danger by leaving the group in the first place and you need to take responsibility for that not blame your friends.

YOU wanted to see the fireworks and you think your friends are being unreasonable because they didn't want to do what YOU wanted to do.

Hear youself!