Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

Maybe they didn’t go back to the hotel, maybe they went skinnydipping in the river, or went off to do shots in a speakeasy with hoodlums…😀

I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me

at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok?

So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country

Why is your preference more important than theirs? and why is it not ok for you to be out alone in a foreign country but you expect one of the group to stand, alone in a foreign country, and wait for you.

Exactly this!!

I should just thank God youre safe

Oh for goodness sake...

None of you were being unreasonable. You were fine to go off on your own to see the fireworks if that was what you really wanted. Presumably no one was pissed off with you for abandoning the group? As you were clearly sufficiently independent to go on and see them by yourself, why should they hang around waiting for you? They were correct to presume that you would also be ok to get home by yourself.

You were happy to go and watch the fireworks alone and leave the group. That was your decision.

If you wanted to walk back with them, you should have said something.

The problem here is you're expecting people to understand what you want without clearly expressing it.
People are their own people, and people have their own right to determine how to spend their own time and make out what is right and wrong to them in the grey zone things.

Your safety is ultimately your responsibility. You chose to left the group.
You could have mitigated the situation by

• not leaving the group
• expressing that you do not feel safe walking back on your own, so would they be prepared to wait for you or give you a heads up if they decide to head back so you can go with them
• getting a taxi

Your idea of what is safe will differ to others. It's not black and white.

I can see why you're upset, but I think the issue is that if you haven't given clear requests and communication then it's a lesson you need to learn yourself.
If you'd asked your friends that you wanted to walk back with them over watching the fireworks, as you wanted to be safe then fair.

But you expecting four people to ammend their evening to hang around waiting for you, when you chose to leave a group. It's unfair. You are inconveniencing four people. Whereas you could have chosen to not watch the fireworks.

What you did was prioritise watching fireworks over your own safety. And then blame other people for not enabling you to have both. It's not fair to manipulate people and have a strop.

You ask directly before hand for you needs, if they agreed and then left without saying anything then that's unfair.
If they said no, and you watched fireworks anyway and then were pissed, that's on you.

Yeah you decided to go on your own, not sure they would assume you would be so concerned being left on your own.

I think everyone was being unreasonable. Your friends didn't feel safe and so you expecting them to stay out wasn't reasonable but equally no matter how much a friend was being unreasonable I wouldn't leave them in a situation I'd already judged as unsafe.

Ultimately your fault though I think.

@BarelyCoping123 you sound very hard work. I can tell by your selective posts that only reply to those people who agree with you. You haven’t engaged at all with the legitimate challenges that the majority of people have put to you about your own behaviour.

This

Ultimately you are a adult and made a executive decision, yes one of the girls prob should of offered to stay with you but it sounds like they really didn't want to so the majority spoke and you made a choice based own your own wants

The last paragraph here hits the nail on the head really. They started the night seeming really up for it, saying how lucky we were to unknowingly have ended up being here for this big festival, seemed in party spirit, we bought the props that everyone has etc. , joined in street dancing but as soon as we got in to the centre they completely wussed out.

A bit unfair this. Crowds can be dangerous - look at the fatal crowd collapse in Seoul a couple of years ago. I would be wary of crowds, you have acknowledged it was very busy, and wouldn’t put myself in harms way so a friend could see some fireworks.

They should have given you a chance to go with them but I don’t see why you expected them to stand around just waiting for you and even less why you think one person should have waited (leaving them alone while waiting). If you put yourself across as so much more adventurous and well travelled than them they probably thought you’d be fine.

Another vote that you were unreasonable for the same reasons that have already been suggested.

They'd had enough and wanted to go back. But they should've rung you and said that was what they were thinking of doing, then it'dve been your choice if you stayed out by yourself or not.

@Travellinggirly I wouldn't hold it against them much. It's just one of those things.

I think your decision to stay and watch the fireworks should have been influenced by the fact you were alone. If you really didn't want to be alone, you should have said and headed back with them (and then I would have quietly sulked).

Also, I'm much more likely to be irritated at people insisting on chaperoning me. We are all different. They equipped you with all the information to make a decision. You'd implied you were happy alone by breaking away from them.

Which foreign country was it? I think there's a big difference between somewhere like Nice in France for example and the kind of foreign country where I'd be scared to be alone or likely to be bothered. I'd be more worried /less safe being alone in London than I would somewhere like Dubai for example and I lived in London and walked home alone every day there. I do also think you'd kind of said you were happy alone by walking off- I'd agree more if you'd nipped for a drink or the toilet and they'd left but you'd been OK alone for the fireworks so they probably assumed you were independent and confident. Equally, if something had happened on your walk home, or you'd got a dodgy taxi then they'd definitely have had to shoulder some blame and would probably have regretted their actions. If I were them, I'd have texted saying they wanted to go, and then given you the option, but I wouldnt fall out with them over it. They sound a lot less adventurous than you anyway, I'd have been with you in the crowds, maybe just don't holiday with them again or factor in that they're a bit different to you when you do, sounds like they couldn't wait to get out of there....

Out of interest, was this in cologne? I was there whilst there was a big firework display from a bridge and I hated it! It was so crowded I felt there might be a crush situation if I didn’t get out of there! 😩

I think it’s a bit of a pain to separate from the rest of the group - unless you’re properly willing to go it alone and not control what they do after

I don't think they're wrong in what they did. You were being the difficult one by wanting to go further and not listening to the rest of the group so when they headed back without you that's all on you. Likewise they could say how much of a awkward person you were being by not staying with the rest of them despite them all telling you they weren't going further.

You went off on your own and split from the rest. They didn't want to go but you went anyway. They should have messaged you to say they were going back.

I think your "U" actually sits right here - if you want to do what YOU want to do, and it's not really fitting with the group (and actually I can understand people being up for something but then getting worried about crowds - you yourself said you would have struggled to get back to them which means there was a massive crush by your own description) and you think fck it, I'm going to do it, part of the fck it is owning the independence of that decision. Which means you treat it as a solo activity with everything that comes with it as a solo activity. I don't think you were being unreasonable to want to see the fireworks but you were unreasonable to feel stroppy after you did your own thing, metaphorically said f*ck it to what they wanted, and then got annoyed that they weren't your back up.

Hoodlums!!! I have literally not heard this word for years, thank you for bringing it back into my lexicon 😂. And op, sorry you are massively unreasonable - where on earth were you where you couldn't be left alone past a certain point? Even though it was your choice to go off on your own? Given the huge numbers of women who travel alone, all over and at all times without the need for chaperones I'm a bit baffled at your position, particularly as it was a situation of your own making. I'm calling a reverse.

Also, I'm much more likely to be irritated at people insisting on chaperoning me.

That. It does my head in. Oddly enough, especially when it's other women who want to chaperone me.