Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

You went against the grain of the group to do your own thing. Fair enough.
You can't begrudge them not following you around so you're not left alone.

Imagine the conversation between a bunch of blokes in this scenario.

"I want to get closer to the fireworks"
"Sod that, its heaving down there"
"Will you wait for here till after the display"
"Naaah, we will be in that bar over there, if we move on we will drop you a line, catch you later"

So what? OP and her friends clearly aren’t blokes.

She strongly insinuated they were afraid as the crowds started to build as they all fled, that they weren’t particularly adventurous or seasoned travellers and they were deeply uncomfortable by a collection of people in a country abroad. I wondered why.

I think loads of people have missed the point. The OP was happy to go watch them on her own, thinking her friends were watching from further back and they’d meet after. They happily fled back to the hotel leaving her there, alone. My friends would never behave that way. You don’t leave someone alone.

No, but the drama of an event several months old is still playing out with in depth analysis, simmering resentment and the friendship group potentially at risk. All over a split group decision over the viewing of a firework display. It's mad.

On the one hand you say it's only a small street and you were at either end.
On the other hand the crowds were so big that you couldn't have got out quickly.
So if something had happened to you therefore they couldn't have got to you either. So that's no different to them going back to the hotel.
You either go with the majority or you don't.

I don't think it's a drama as such.

Hasn't it cropped up again several months later because the group are still planning trips and inviting OP and she's now re-evaluating whether she wants to travel with them again or not?

OP has decided in her last update that she's probably not a good fit for this group and that seems a sensible decision. I think it's telling that out of 4 other people not a single one wanted to go with her for a closer view of the fireworks in the crowd.
I don't mean there is anything wrong with the OP it's just obvious that what she wants to do is different to this group.

I don't think it just has to be about 'fear' in the way you imply. When I went to watch the bastille day fireworks and saw the crowd building at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, I was not feeling 100% that evening. I realised it would take me at least 30 mins just to get out of the immediate vicinity and then another 30 mins to walk to the hotel.

Hence I left and walked to a viewpoint halfway to my hotel. It was a practical idea that suited my energy! I was not ‘scared’ for my safety in the crowd but just wanted to get out quickly. I love in Londoners and crowds don’t usually bother me one bit!

Drama? They continued their holiday without any fallout and are apparently still friends. Where’s the drama?

this seems to have come up again in the context of booking an other group holiday, which seems completely reasonable.

You're being difficult and precious.

You wanted to see it. They didn't.

You stayed. Nothing happened to you did it?

Let it go.

YABU, it was your decision and they clearly communicated with you. You need to get over it.

TBH, unless this trip was in Kinshasa or Kabul then you were fine to be left alone, and you can't expect the majority to do something they don't want to do just because you wanted them to wait for you.

You are right to feel P. Off.
You are right to value your safety.
Theres so much going on here.
Difficult to know whos at fault.
But girls should stick together.
I guess you must have started to panic as it got later and later.
I would too.
I should just thank God youre safe.
And know that you will be safer going forward as you know what to expect from ' friends'
To be honest ,Ive done this to a friend who kept wanting me and trying to get me to stay at parties till 3 am. After telling her lots of times" Im leaving at midnight" she kept ignoring me repeatedly ( Im not saying you did thus) but I just went home and left her.

If you were the only one wanting to stay out and others didn’t you can’t expect them to stay. They told you they were heading back so if you were so bothered about being on your own you should have left with them. Rather than stay alone to complain afterwards.

Yes I suspect if they had messaged and said we want to leave do you want to come with us, OP would have tried to convince them to stay for the fireworks, so the end scenario- OP going home alone - would be the same.

If they said they’d wait, they should’ve waited. I absolutely wouldn’t have left anyone in that situation on their own.

You are right to value your safety.

I guess you must have started to panic as it got later and later.

I should just thank God youre safe.

So the display was in Mogadishu?

but you left them, to go off alone.

Was one meant to stay (alone) in case you returned, not knowing when or where you'd gone or if you'd be back, then that person would be alone.

You were unreasonable when the majority wanted to leave and you went off. If you didn't have an ally at that time you should have stayed with the group.

I think it's quite normal not to like crowds. I find them really stressful and overwhelming.

tbh i think you were unreasonable to expect other people to hang about when they clearly didn't want to, yes it would have been nice to see some fireworks but are you prepared to throw away years of friendship because you effectively spat the dummy and stick your heels in when everyone else wanted to go home. If i had said i wanted to stay out, and insisted in doing so i'd be well aware that i was being responsible for myself, foreign country or not. You can't play the, 'your not a true friend if you don't do what i want' card and expect all your own way. I've never had this kind of issue because we all compromise on what we do and where and when....... for everyone to enjoy, not just one.

Were you in the middle of a war zone or something? Why was it so dangerous but still you chose there for a holiday? Also you decided to watch the fireworks so yeah you YABU

I’m a bit puzzled at the gap between ‘left all alone in a foreign country — waah’ and ‘I’m much more brave and into pushing my comfort zone than my timid friends’.

Well, the OP was so much braver and adventurous than her "completely wussed out" friends.

Until, the OP wasn't.

On a group trip majority rules surely? If you choose otherwise that’s on you TBF