Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

I don’t think they did anything wrong. I’ve been abroad with friends and sometimes I’ve wanted to do something they haven’t, so I’ve gone alone. When I say I’m going to go off alone I mean it - if I wasn’t happy doing so then I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t expect to be second guessed or to have anyone wait for me. Similarly if a friend tells me they’re going to go somewhere alone then I take them at their word that they have no issue with this.

Travelling in a group does not mean you have to be joined at the hip all the time.

What country was it and how long did the fireworks last? Ie, how long were they expected to wait for you and in what kind of area as it sounds like they felt unsafe?

This is why I travel on my own. I can't be doing with all the constant negotiating and rearranging. I would rather decide what I want to do and do it.

I’m not sure how them being on the other of the street would make it safer for you? Or that one person should have stayed behind- so they would also feel unsafe by themselves waiting for you?
overall I understand it is annoying not to see something because the group changes its mind, but then it is up to you to decide as an adult whether you want to go solo and take the appropriate risk yourself.

if it was really unsafe and you felt unsafe then you can’t expect others to stay on if they also feel uncomfortable enough to go home. It it WASNT that unsafe and you feel they were just too timid, then you didn’t really need a chaperone anyway so you can’t be upset about it for a whole year.

so im voting YABU

Interesting that OP won’t say where it was. There’s quite a difference between e.g. Yemen and downtown Tipperary.

I hate crowds and wouldn't risk getting crushed because you wanted to see fireworks. The group bar you, left.

YABU

This. I don't think anyone was unreasonable except perhaps you. Majority rules and you chose to march on when you were the only one wanting to see the fireworks.
As it was,they would have worried about you even when they were back at the Hotel. You stretched the friendship. You chose to risk being alone and something could have happened at any time.

Loads of women travel on their own so it's no big deal being out and about on your own. You knew your friends didn't want to stay out but you still deciding you want to see the fireworks. It was your choice so I think you're making a big deal of this, you arrived back at the hotel safely so no harm done.

Sounds like Las Fallas in Valencia or similar. In crowded places it always makes sense to arrange a meeting point away from the crowds for later as it's easy to get split up from others even when you're physically not actually far apart to start with. I've always done that with friends and we did It 30+ years ago when we lived abroad and no one had a home phone, let alone a mobile phone. It also sounds as though you felt a bit vulnerable when you got a bit lost OP. Ultimately you made the decision to get a better view, but it was on everybody, including you, to have a back up plan.

Why is the super secret country not named?

Is it the Democratic Republic of Cycling?

This - you’re a grown up who has travelled before. What’s so difficult about a 30min walk back to the hotel?

I wouldn’t have left one person alone, even if they weren’t a particularly close friend.

I think they were utterly pathetic to be so close to the damn fireworks and then say they were going back.

But I also think that you saying you'd go on alone gave them the OK to leave you.

It very much does sound like a firework display to me! I think it's something like Las Fallas in Valencia. It's spectacular and everyone is outside, but it's very, very crowded and most of the city centre streets are closed to traffic. If you don't like crowds I can see you wouldn't enjoy it. The fireworks are the best I've ever seen. If the weather is good and the dates fall at the weekend it can be super busy. You can't get a restaurant reservation for a large group for love nor money. A lot of people take their owns drinks out with them as all the bars are packed.

I love this. Thanks so much

I would never agree to hang around and wait, but if I had then I'd feel obligated to keep the agreement. In your friends' shoes I'd find a café or not-crowded spot on the route back to the hotel, drop a text to tell you the location then settle in for incredibly boring hour or two it would take for you to see the fireworks then start shuffling out along with thousands of other people.

Honestly I think it was pretty naive of your friends to agree to wait for you, maybe they have no idea how long it takes to clear big crowds after an event like that... Although equally I think it was a bit naive of you to think it was ever going to really happen!

@Dutch1e the friends decided to watch from where they were instead of trying to get a better view further forward. They then decided to leave. They moved the goalposts, but the group should have had a plan B. It's just commonsense.

I can see it from both sides. I think someone should have rung you to give you the heads up as to what they were doing. But I also hate fireworks, so I wouldn't have been happy waiting either. I don't think you need to lose the friendship of the group over it though. That would be a shame ❤

Oh yes, you're quite right! I somehow had the impression there was an agreement to wait for OP, no idea where I pulled that from.

Why were they all so afraid of it being ‘busy’?

I think it all depends what you want from a trip. If you feel like you want some unadulterated quality time with your friends and enjoy their company then go on future trips for that reason. If what you want is an adventure and new experiences which you know they won’t be up for then don’t go. I have some friends I go away with just because it’s so nice to chill out together and have a laugh, even though I know it won’t be anything wild I still enjoy it. But if what I really wanted was to go somewhere for a proper adventure I wouldn’t go with that group.

OP didn't say they were afraid. You don’t have to be afraid to not want to do something or go somewhere.

I really do get this...and I agree with the above post and yet I am still in two minds on this question

I completely see its unfair to expect them to hang around. Yet I can imagine why you felt hurt that they hadn't kept their word.

You told them what you wanted to do and they said they would wait for you. In a group. I can't help thinking about the safety in numbers aspect. So feeling that they were not far away and watching the fireworks anyway, you felt confident to forge ahead for a better view.
Whilst you were there, they decided, without giving you the option to come back, that they wouldn't wait because as a group they felt unsafe... so they left and you didn't have a choice but to fend for yourself. Which was a different plan than your original idea. There's an element of "I'm alright Jack" in this.

No cabs. No phone signal, getting lost on the long walk home alone... probably made you feel unsafe. I can also understand why none of you anticipated the change in the crowds which made it all the more difficult.

From your point of view, and whether that's unreasonable or not, they let you down and it doesn't sound from your posts as though any of them acknowledged that or even asked about it or were contacting you to see if you were safe.

I think this has had an impact on your trust in them, that should you be in a similar position on another trip they wouldn't have your back, which is probably why its given you the Ick about going away with them again.

But is it a lost cause because of this? It's maybe a little rare to get a group of people willing to travel to the same places, even if you want to slightly different things at times when you are there. Is there any member of the group you are closer to that you could talk to about this. If you both shared your viewpoints, it might change how you feel about this lack of trust? Could you maybe agree on some things you might do as a backup plan for emergencies?

They said it was 'getting too busy' so they wanted to go back to the hotel. They didn't say they felt unsafe.