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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

188 replies

TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:11

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

OP posts:
Shf · 05/02/2024 18:13

Can you put your finger on what the anxiety is about?

Original poster
TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:14

Shf · 05/02/2024 18:13

Can you put your finger on what the anxiety is about?

I guess I just worry something will happen to him and I won’t be there

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 05/02/2024 18:19

Don't go then. I think you will grow to be more comfortable leaving him over time. But there's no point if your workplace aren't even that fussed either way. You can join some of it remotely surely?

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:25

I think you should go. It's one night, and your son isn't a newborn or anything. It's normal and natural and healthy to be apart sometimes, and one night is a good way to start.

toomuchfaff · 05/02/2024 18:29

against the grain, but if you don't want to travel for work, don't.

Regardless of the reason.

Birch101 · 05/02/2024 18:30

I would bring my partner and child with me they can stay in the hotel room

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:31

I would go. It's one night and I'm sure your DH wouldn't think twice if it were the other way around.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2024 18:33

I'd go. It's only overnight, it will be good for you professionally and DS will be with his other parent.

NewUser1111 · 05/02/2024 18:33

i can understand how you feel but you know deep down your anxiety is largely irrational, right (unless there’s some awful backstory about your DP being unfit to parent!!) and in general it’s good not to let irrational anxieties hem you in in life. Go- it’ll be enjoyable and give your DP more confidence and allow them some nice bonding time. It’s only one night!!! Plenty of parents go away for far longer

fiskoo · 05/02/2024 18:34

At that age I either didn't go on work trips or I took DD and DH with me

Ilovelurchers · 05/02/2024 18:34

I think you should go. If I was your husband I would feel possibly almost like you didn't trust me to look after my son (and I know you don't mean it like that - you sound lovely!)

Sometimes it's good to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little I think.

If you feel actually physically panicky or ill at the thought of going, it might be time to get a bit of help with the anxiety (which is nothing to be ashamed of - happens to all sorts of people at one point or another in life, myself included).

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:34

Birch101 · 05/02/2024 18:30

I would bring my partner and child with me they can stay in the hotel room

Yes - this is a great idea. This absolutely won't undermine your partners ability to parent their child at all!

Original poster
TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:34

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:31

I would go. It's one night and I'm sure your DH wouldn't think twice if it were the other way around.

He would definitely go (and has). I have no problem with that, and he doesn’t have a problem with me going… but that’s not really the reason. He doesn’t have the same sense of sadness and worry at leaving DS for a night as I do!

OP posts:
WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:34

Birch101 · 05/02/2024 18:30

I would bring my partner and child with me they can stay in the hotel room

Seriously, why???

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:35

Why would you feel sad?

Original poster
TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:36

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:25

I think you should go. It's one night, and your son isn't a newborn or anything. It's normal and natural and healthy to be apart sometimes, and one night is a good way to start.

I think if it wasn’t 3 hours away I wouldn’t feel so bad. I just hate the thought of being so far away.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 05/02/2024 18:36

Birch101 · 05/02/2024 18:30

I would bring my partner and child with me they can stay in the hotel room

I would go, but NOT going would be much better than doing this! I would think this was completely insane if I were your co-worker and found out you'd done this!
a) Why would you subject DS to a 6hr road trip unnecessarily
b) why on earth would DH want to drive for 6 hours then sit on his own in a hotel room all night while you went out, with a likely unsettled baby.

One of the oddest suggestions I've ever heard on here (with high competition tbf)

yanbu not to go on optional work trips if you don't want to but YAB a bit unreasonable to exaggerate 'going up one day, coming back the next' into 'a couple of days,' and to be this worried about leaving your son with his own father. Have you literally never left him before overnight at all?

Original poster
TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:37

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:35

Why would you feel sad?

I don’t even really know! It just fills me with so much sadness to think of it. I just hate the thought of being so far away from him. It’s not really rational, I know.

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 05/02/2024 18:37

I would go. Reasons as follows-
(1) I left my 18 months old around the same age with my parents as practice for my upcoming C-section for their baby sibling. No regrets. You'd be leaving with their other parent

(2) I didn't get back into work and / or doing things for myself / getting space for too long and I lost a part of myself in the process that I am only just, seven years letter, getting back.

I would go. It shows a willingness with work too.

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:37

Sadness, really? It's one night. One. By the time he notices you're even gone you'll be on the way back.

Original poster
TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:39

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:37

Sadness, really? It's one night. One. By the time he notices you're even gone you'll be on the way back.

DS probably won’t even clock I’m not there tbh. He’d be perfectly happy with his dad. It’s just me who would feel sad.

OP posts:
1offnamechange · 05/02/2024 18:39

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:34

Yes - this is a great idea. This absolutely won't undermine your partners ability to parent their child at all!

Show quote history

or your reputation as a sane person (or good mother/wife) with your colleagues!

love the username btw

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 18:42

Well if it's just you who would feel sad, I suggest - kindly - that you get a grip and go and do something for yourself for the first time in about two years. Seriously, it's lovely to remember who you were before motherhood!

WhatsYourDamageHeather · 05/02/2024 18:43

So your DH will be fine. Your DS won't know you've gone. The only person this will affect is you. My worry is if you don't go, this will just become bigger and bigger in your mind. And yes your company might be chill, but saying you won't go because you don't feel comfortable leaving a child over the age of 12 months with their other equally capable parent isn't really an acceptable reason.

Ghostgirl77 · 05/02/2024 18:45

I get it and would have felt the same at that age. We’re all different in terms of what age we feel comfortable leaving our kids and that’s fine and nobody should be shaming anyone for it.

I’d echo the suggestions above of seeing if your husband can bring your son and stay locally so that you get the benefit of the work trip but still have the reassurance of being nearby.