AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

[TheBerry]

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

Just a thought OP but if you're a high functioning woman who has been successful but is still plagued by anxiety have you ever been assessed for ASD or ADHD? If you've done different therapy modalities and they haven't worked it's something to consider. It sounds like you've fixated on choking. I was very much like this when my first was little. It turns out I'm as ND as the day is long but I never knew until I was in my 40s. Once I managed to remove other stressors the fixations and anxiety went away but I had to understand myself first.

When ds was almost 3, he choked on a sweet. I was paralysed with shock and fear. My dh calmly tried to deal with it while I just panicked. But it was my sister who grabbed him by the feet, flipped him upside down and whacked him on the back. Out popped the sweet onto the rug. It was the single scariest moment in my life and time stood still and I really thought I'd have dealt with it better - I'm normally quite a calm and unflustered person. Having me with him was of absolutely no use to him in this instance. It was dh and dsis who stayed calm and dealt with the situation.

Your fear of him choking is absolutely valid, but a fairly remote risk. What's most important is everyone knowing what to do in the extremely unlikely event that it happens, and that they're calm enough to do what's needed.

I have thought about it, but I doubt I’d be applicable for assessment. I find it very easy to understand what people are feeling/thinking, their motivations, etc. so I don’t think I’m a candidate for ASD or anything.

I have done work trips when my kids were small.

Some trips I left them at home with DH or my mum. Some trips I have taken my mum and baby with me and rented an Air BnB nearby for the three of us. My mum spent the day/s in town with baby having fun and I went back to the apartment for dinner/sleep with my baby/breakfast.

If your funds will stretch to it, I'd take baby plus close adult with you and rent an Air BnB.

@TheBerry For me it was ADHD. A lot of my anxiety was due to pushing myself through things. I'd learned to cope but at a huge cost.

I very recently read an interview with a psychologist and researcher who commented that the greatest thing a mother can do for her child is to let the father take a lot of space and responsibility for the child, letting the child see that it is perfectly natural for the father to care for them. I thought that was a well put thought.

In this thread, the many comments stating things like 'it's your choice' etc, 'we're all different', seem to push a view that it shouldn't be or feel natural for a mother to let the father care for a child 100 % for a short period of time. I'd really encourage mothers and father to try to let go of such thinking.

Do go and give your child this 'gift' of experiencing the father as a 100 % natural person to care for them.

I understand your anxiety. But is travel in your job description? If so I would be concerned about you refusing to go on a work trip due to anxiety leaving a child of this age with their father, and I would suggest that you looked into getting support to address the anxiety as it's part of the job you are contracted to do. If it's not in your JD then I would be unreasonable expecting you to do it.

I very recently read an interview with a psychologist and researcher who commented that the greatest thing a mother can do for her child is to let the father take a lot of space and responsibility for the child, letting the child see that it is perfectly natural for the father to care for them.

I absolutely agree with this. I was raised with a dad who always did his share of everything including bedtimes, sick days, holidays and overnights or evenings.

When I read about women who have never let their kids have bedtime with their dad, it genuinely makes me feel really sad for them.

Well done op, I really hope it goes well

Well done OP.

Now get a glass of wine, a bag of crisps and Netflix. Then, in the morning, have a coffee in the bath. Like someone said, it feels like a ruddy spa break 😂

My secretary always books me a room with a bath 👍

I always video call mine. At night and again in the morning and we chat over breakfast with the iPad propped up. They mainly couldn't give a damn but it's nice for me to see them start their day and maybe they'll remember it when they are older. They usually make me show them the hotel room and demand I bring back the in room biscuits and free pen 🤷👍

WHO recommends BF to age 2 and beyond, so I think it's entirely reasonable for a 17 mo to be more reliant on the mother than the father and that it doesn't indicate some unhealthy mother/child co-dependency, or that the mother has strange anxieties, or that the father is inept.

I acknowledge this isn't the OP's situation, and that she is going on the trip, but I do think this thread is showing quite a lack of support for mothers who don't want to be apart from their young children.

If the contract states travel is required, then that's different obviously

A - because its a completely insane suggestion
B -because it assumes the DH doesn't work himself or can just take 2 days off to travel hours away for his wife's work meeting
C - because being in a car for 6 hours completely unnecessarily isn't ideal or fun for toddlers
D - because it suggests to the Dh she doesn't trust him alone with his own child
E - there's nothing specifying the trip is on a friday to be able to make it into a "weekend" away, it could be a tues/weds trip
F - doing this doesn't help OPs anxiety, in fact it supports it making it harder for her to leave DC next time
G - Why on earth would DH want to do this? Sitting alone in a hotel room after a long drive with a child likely distressed from being out of his usual routine - probably sitting in the dark unable to watch TV or do anything because toddler will be sleeping. Fun!
H - Knowing DH is on his own will probably make OP want to come back early, therefore defeating the whole point of a trip intended to socialise with colleagues
I - Most places I've worked won't let you have non-staff in a hotel room (or as passengers in a work car) - so you'd have to spend a fortune on an extra room and your own petrol to go somewhere neither the DH or DC want or need to go
J - even if it was a weekend you want them to then spend the cost of a further night's hotel trip to justify a stay in a completely random location
K - her colleagues will think she is completely mad if she does this
L - because its a completely insane suggestion

I've forgotten M - because no man would EVER EVEN THINK OF DOING THIS!

seriously if a colleague of mine said she didn't want to come on a work trip because of leaving the baby the most I'd think that was a shame but maybe she'll feel more confident by the next trip.

If she came but brought her entire family I'd have serious concerns she had extreme anxiety issues to the extent she was actively unwell or either she or her Dh was in some sort of controlling/domestic abuse situation

It’s comments like “I don’t want to go on that overnight trip/work in the office/go to a networking dinner” etc. that contributes to inequality in the workplace that all women are then impacted by

If an employer has a series of women who refuse to do parts of their job, how do you think they will feel when interviewing another woman in the future. Unconscious bias will hit in a way that it would never hit for a man, even if that man is a father too.

Mostly because as others have said a man would never act in this way and they certainly wouldn’t drag their whole family to stay in a B&B when on a work trip

There was a post on here not long ago when that was exactly the case

I'm not sure if it is required that OP attend, or optional.

A breastfeeding mother is protected from discrimination I believe. I know the OP is not BF, but if women are not travelling for this reason then they should not be penalised. Women have fought for a long time for these laws.

I get it - the first time I ever left my oldest overnight was when I had my second just after his third birthday.

It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about being away. Some of us more anxious than others.

My youngest I happily left with my parents and swanned off for a four day holiday when he was 13 months.

If you weren’t worried at all about what other people thought. What would you choose?

I guess if I wasn’t worried about what other people might think, I wouldn’t go.

On the other hand, if I wasn’t worried about DS I would 100% go!

Anyway, I’ve committed to it now.

Practically if he did choke, being 10 minutes away wouldn't change the outcome. If you don't trust the nursery to be properly trained then you've got a different issue.

OP you’ve done the right thing. Now just take it one step at a time. Try not to dwell on it. Plan something nice to do with DS the day you get back. It’ll be fine.

@CharlotteBog totally agree.

I’m in a similar situation - I joined a team in 2018 when my daughter was 1. Her and my husband travelled to the main office with me for one night and we enjoyed our time after work as a family. Fast forward 6 years and 2 more kids and I’m about to go away for 2 nights but this time without taking them with me. I do have a bit of a knot in my stomach about it all and I know that if I wasn’t happy to go, there’d be no pressure from my boss, he’s great like that. But I feel like I need to do it for my own personal (not work!) development. My husband is very capable and I will probs over prepare for my absence. I’ll probably have a few days where the youngest is clingy and I’ll enjoy those extra cuddles but I’m also so excited that for the first time in almost 7 years I won’t wipe someone’s backside for 2 whole days…..BLISS!

Have you not spent a night away from him in 7 years? No criticism, just wondering

It is wrong to have the weird idea you can’t be away from your child

Following as I'm in a similar scenario except it's 3 nights, a different continent and a 6 month old (and almost 4 year old) left behind. I'm packing a pump and ice packs and I think the logistics of pumping will take up my time there. DH is hands on but I do have anxiety and wish the trip wasn't happening. It's a relatively straightforward itinerary so my thinking was to accept now and 'save' a decline for future.