AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

[TheBerry]

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

I left then 2 and a half year old DS1 and 7 month old DS2 for 5 days to go to Glastonbury in ‘21, and again last year… DS3 will be 7 months when I go this year! I miss them, but I don’t feel bad about it… it’s that break that allows me to unwind and be sane and whole for them the other 359 days that I’m with them.

Assuming your dh is competent then go.

I had to go to swizterland for a week with work when ds was around that age. Dh loved having him all to himself! It is a great and rare opportunity for your dh to enjoy time alone with his dc. Although I was a bit upset ds didnt even seem to miss me!!!

@SouthLondonMum22 My husband and I put her to bed together every night.

I think you seriously need some kind of therapy!! Pull him out of nursery for the day so he can stay home with his dad in case he chokes at nursery!? And get someone else to come over for the day with your hubby as wellWhat the actual fuckity f*! This has to be some sort of mickey take surely to God.

That's not very kind to a mother who's never been away from her child and came here for support and advice.

@TheBerry you are not unreasonable to have anxiety.

But it is ok. I had to do a lot of travelling for work when DC were young. It is fine and actually easier when they are little ad they don't really notice you are gone. Much harder when they hit about 5 or 6 in my experience and they miss you.

Well knowing what I know now as the parent of older kids I say go. Your DS will be safe with his dad and you’ll be back before you know it. I do think these trips are good for networking, building bonds with colleagues and if you’re looking for progression then yes you want to be visible and a team player. That said, if you’re really uncomfortable leave it another 6 months or so and see how you feel then. It’s your call but I think it will do you all good

@TheBerry I did this a few months back (I think I even posted with the same worries!) with my then 15 month old and it all turned out fine. My DC was (and is) breastfed and everything! He and Daddy coped just fine - despite DC being ill in the end with a cold and conjunctivitis.

oh, I was frantic and didn’t sleep well, but it was fine and now I know I can do it, I feel a lot more relaxed and myself. It will be fine and you will be fine and your son will be fine. But you sound like you perhaps need some help for your anxiety, because this is no way to live and it sounds highly stressful.

I voted YANBU because I think it’s not unreasonable to not want to leave your small child, but I do think it sounds like you’re suffering a little. Having been there myself, go and speak to your GP because there are things you can do to help.

I think you should go. You'll go. He'll be fine. You'll feel better about it next time. It's not good to be anxiously attached to your children. He could start picking up from you that's he's 'unsafe' when you're not around. Plus it will be good for you to spend time with your colleagues, other relationships in your life are important too.

How did your DH feel about that? I wouldn't be happy if my husband dragged me across the country because he didn't trust me to parent alone.

But he's not a baby, he's a toddler. You say you're doing it for him but, unless his dad's useless, he'll be fine. It's good for children to know there mum can go away and come back and it's fine. I honestly don't think it's healthy to have this attitude over the odd night away.

In answer to @Cornflakes44 he was totally happy. We did extended breastfeeding for comfort and he, like me, was always happy to put our baby first.

Going to stay in a hotel with your partner and child isn't a huge hardship, as hardships go.

I don’t recall asking you whether you think the manner in which I choose to parent is healthy or not 🙄

My baby and I have an amazing, healthy relationship, we are both very happy and thriving.

And no, his dad isn’t useless, he’s an incredible father. I just choose to be there for my baby while he’s so young and needs me 🤷🏻‍♀️

You do you, yeah.