AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

[TheBerry]

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

@BrondesburyBelle seriously? Six extra people on a work trip?? I’m mortified for you.

I'd go

Really? My DH would have looked at me like I had two heads if I suggested that 😆

OP - I went on my first work trip when DD was 18 months old, for similar reasons (to meet a new member of the team), I was worried something would happen too, but knew DH would be there if it did. And quite honestly, it was great - I got a nice night's sleep in a hotel room on my own 😁

Just go !

I didn't want to travel while DS was little, so he and DH came with me for a couple of trips I needed to do. Is that an option?

By age 4, it was fine, we were both ready for it.

It's quite normal to not want to be far away from your little boy, but you'll both be OK either way.

It sounds like you won't have a good time so I would just accept that you are not ready to leave him and not go. Probably people will disagree and each to their own but it's perfectly natural to not want to leave your baby. I don't think I would leave my 2 year old overnight for anything other than necessity. Don't feel guilty either way, it's fine to feel how you feel.

I wouldn't have left my daughter overnight at that age, not because I would have been anxious at leaving her with my husband - I just would not have wanted to leave her for that long.

I guess it’s mainly the first day I’m worried about, when he’ll be at nursery. I just worry a lot about something happening to him at nursery, like choking, and the thought of not being close just upsets me.

The second day he’ll be at home with DH anyway, and I’m not so worried about that.

I suggested to DH that DS stay home from nursery on the first day and DM came over to look after him for the day, but DH isn’t keen on that because he finds he gets distracted from work when DS is at home with DM.

Maybe the doctor will give me some diazepam 🫠

Why are we trying to normalise a parent leaving their baby before they're ready?

OP if you don't want to go then don't. Don't force yourself into it. Your DC is still very little. See how you feel when the next opportunity arises.

Same.

This really isn't healthy OP.

You don't trust the nursery or your DH to find your child. Qualified, trained professionals and a loving father.

It seems to be false logic in believing that you are the only one on the planet that can care for your child. What happens when it goes to school? Will the teachers be inadequate too?

Are you really going to spend the next 18 years of your life never letting him out of your sight?

If your anxiety is this bad, you need to talk to your gp.

Personally I wouldn't like this either. That's because working full time I don't like missing any time with the children. Whether that's weird or not 🤣 Midweek though I would probably go for it as there's not much time he would normally be with me.
However, the reason you don't want to go appears to be because you're afraid something will go wrong, and I think that's a different thing, and maybe something it might help to talk to your partner about.

Well you’re not going to get diazepam but may benefit from some CBT to work though your anxieties.

Do you normally worry about him to this extent whilst you’re at work and he’s at nursery? Do you think it’s likely he would choke, or come to harm? Sometimes we need to re ground ourselves and put things in perspective.

This isn’t about leaving a baby before you’re ready. He’s not a tiny baby, he’s heading for 2 years old. It’s normal to miss them, wonder how they’ll be when you’re not there. I don’t think it’s normal to be so anxious at leaving a toddler for one night when they’re safe in the care of the other, capable parent.

I really think you should go. The longer you put off leaving him for a short period like this, the harder it will become. You know he’ll be in good hands with his dad whilst you’re away so there shouldn’t be any worry on that score. I’d even say it’ll be good for your son to start realising mum sometimes isn’t there but she does come back.

I do worry about him at nursery generally, but normally I’m only 10 mins away when he’s there.

I’ve tried CBT, EMDR, talking therapy… nothing’s ever helped! I know it’s not rational. But generally I muddle through life ok anyway and manage to function fairly well.

You should think about getting some support for the anxiety.
It is fine to want to spend time with your children and to miss them if you spend a night apart but the pattern of your thinking re him choking if you or your mother are not in his presence is unhealthy.
I think it would be worth exploring with a professional.

I had a two day training course to attend recently and I drove there and back both days to avoid being away from DS for a night. It was a four hour round trip each day. DS is 7 but it would have upset him if I wasn’t there to put him to bed and I don’t want to miss putting him to bed. I’m sure DH would have looked after him fine and DS would have survived but I didn’t want to stay overnight so I didn’t.

So don’t feel bad about not wanting to go. Some people are just more relaxed about these things than other people. Neither is the right or wrong approach. It’s all about what makes you feel comfortable.

Please don't feel guilty about not wanting to go.

Are you saying that in 7 years you've never missed a bedtime?
Surely they're old enough to put themselves to bed and understand that sometimes you need to be somewhere else.

Go or don't but this Í can't be away from by child for 1 second' is really not healthy, how many of us remember issues our own parents growing up that they thought they hid from us?

You need to address the anxiety and get it sorted. As your child grows older it will impact on them. That’s not ok.

what the actual fuck?

I have missed a couple because I’ve been out late in the evening but I’ve always been there in the morning. I’m sure he would understand but I just prefer not to be out in the evening (I have a lot of brunches/lunches) and I do not want to stay away overnight.

I'd say go. It's anxiety and that's real so I'm not diminishing that but he will be OK.

I had to go to India for work for 8 days when mine was 10 months old. I hated it by day 4. I definitely wouldn't advise that. But for one night it will be fine. Will he be with someone you trust?

You need help. Seriously.

Your son will likely need help soon too, because of you.