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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

188 replies

TheBerry · 05/02/2024 18:11

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

OP posts:
LoveFridayNights · 05/02/2024 21:38

Please DONT take your husband and child with you. Just seen that suggestion. I went on a trip where someone did this. I felt they were treating it like a holiday! They didn't do group dinners as they had to be back at the hotel for bedtime. At that point my children were younger than theirs.

upifpmpyesmyypfie · 05/02/2024 21:38

Probably.

Applesandpears23 · 05/02/2024 21:39

Mumsnet is full of people who can’t understand why some of us don’t want to leave our babies overnight. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. There will be other trips.

SKG231 · 05/02/2024 21:40

Take the leap and do it.

please try and remember that your DH is also your sons parent and is just as capable as you are to look after him.

You’re setting yourself up for a life time of hardship if you take control of being the lead parent and basically not letting your husband do his share.

upifpmpyesmyypfie · 05/02/2024 21:41

I agree completely. I don’t understand why people can’t just do what they want to do.

ElaineMBenes · 05/02/2024 21:42

upifpmpyesmyypfie · 05/02/2024 21:36

I have missed a couple because I’ve been out late in the evening but I’ve always been there in the morning. I’m sure he would understand but I just prefer not to be out in the evening (I have a lot of brunches/lunches) and I do not want to stay away overnight.

So no nights away with your DH? Or friends?

He'll be absolutely fine you know. I have a 9 year old and I travel 3/4 times a year with work.... often to Asia so need to be away at least a week. He just looks forward to the presents and unusual sweets I bring back.

WandaWonder · 05/02/2024 21:43

Applesandpears23 · 05/02/2024 21:39

Mumsnet is full of people who can’t understand why some of us don’t want to leave our babies overnight. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. There will be other trips.

Yes there is also endless complaints about how they never get a break and martyr themselves so it depends

Didimum · 05/02/2024 21:43

It’s one night. Rip the plaster off.

parietal · 05/02/2024 21:44

Go on the trip. Face the fear and it will make you stronger to know that you can do it.

upifpmpyesmyypfie · 05/02/2024 21:45

No, no nights away. I know he’d be fine and I know my DH, my parents, my SIL or my MIL would look after him very well. I just chose not to do it.

Barbarbaranne · 05/02/2024 21:45

I'd do it. I also travelled for work a lot pre baby and was nervous about doing it.

I went away and it was bloody brilliant. Bed to myself, good night's sleep, got in the bath with a coffee the next morning with the radio on - it was like a spa break!

dearymcdearface · 05/02/2024 21:45

Applesandpears23 · 05/02/2024 21:39

Mumsnet is full of people who can’t understand why some of us don’t want to leave our babies overnight. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. There will be other trips.

Then don’t work. Or get a dh that is capable of taking care of his own children. Op has seperation anxiety, she needs to deal with it.

SKG231 · 05/02/2024 21:46

Applesandpears23 · 05/02/2024 21:39

Mumsnet is full of people who can’t understand why some of us don’t want to leave our babies overnight. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. There will be other trips.

And also filled with mums moaning that they do absolutely everything for everyone and their life is so hard taking care of the kids by themselves because their husbands do nothing when really it’s because of situations like this. If you’re going to constantly stop someone from being responsible for a child and making them feel worthless they won’t bother trying.

BettyBoobles · 05/02/2024 21:46

LizHoney · 05/02/2024 21:05

Why are we trying to normalise a parent leaving their baby before they're ready?

OP if you don't want to go then don't. Don't force yourself into it. Your DC is still very little. See how you feel when the next opportunity arises.

This 100%
I don't leave mine overnight until they were a
little older. Do whatever you feel comfortable with and do t feel pressured either way!

ElaineMBenes · 05/02/2024 21:48

Applesandpears23 · 05/02/2024 21:39

Mumsnet is full of people who can’t understand why some of us don’t want to leave our babies overnight. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. There will be other trips.

It's also full of women complaining about incompetent dads and having to do everything 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wolfiefan · 05/02/2024 21:49

It isn’t about the overnight. OP doesn’t want to be further away than 10 mins from nursery. Just in case. This isn’t a normal level of anxiety.

JennyBeanR · 05/02/2024 21:55

I did similar when my daughter was around that age and I did feel sad as well. However, I also enjoyed the time amongst adults and a shift in focus. I also was leaving her with her dad which is a perfectly normal thing to do (and in reality was good for bonding).

So my advice would be, if you'd generally enjoy this kind of thing, go. Your child will be fine with the other parent and you may strengthen your bonds with colleagues.

TheBestSpoon · 05/02/2024 21:55

I get you. DS1 is 5 and while I fairly regularly go out for the evening so don't see him from one morning to the next, the only time I've ever slept in a separate place from him was when I was in hospital having DS2! And of course, he was fine then, and he would be if I went away again, I just don't really want to. I can't explain why, it's definitely irrational as i see DH make short work trips semi-regularly and it's absolutely not an issue for anyone, it just feels different for me personally being away overnight. I've declined a optional work trip abroad for this among other reasons.

I think the key is make your decision and don't feel guilty - there isn't a wrong or right thing to do here, it's what makes you most comfortable.

Notamumonhere · 05/02/2024 21:59

SKG231 · 05/02/2024 21:46

And also filled with mums moaning that they do absolutely everything for everyone and their life is so hard taking care of the kids by themselves because their husbands do nothing when really it’s because of situations like this. If you’re going to constantly stop someone from being responsible for a child and making them feel worthless they won’t bother trying.

Show quote history

Exactly! No wonder there are so many ‘useless’ husbands on here

JustJessi · 05/02/2024 22:00

I won’t be staying overnight anywhere without my DD (14 months). Simple as that. She puts up with a full-time working mother, I draw the line at evenings, weekends, and overnights being intruded on, too. I won’t even stay late at work, I have put my baby to bed every night of her life, and if that means by boss is less impressed with me for a few short years, then so be it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2024 22:10

JustJessi · 05/02/2024 22:00

I won’t be staying overnight anywhere without my DD (14 months). Simple as that. She puts up with a full-time working mother, I draw the line at evenings, weekends, and overnights being intruded on, too. I won’t even stay late at work, I have put my baby to bed every night of her life, and if that means by boss is less impressed with me for a few short years, then so be it.

Are you a single parent? Or does that mean that your partner has never put her to bed in 14 months?

HungryandIknowit · 05/02/2024 22:23

I wouldn't go. But that's because I'd take any excuse not to travel for work. I think you should speak to someone about your anxiety though.

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 22:42

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 05/02/2024 20:24

My little boy is 16 months. Hes too young to be left overnight IN MY OPINION! I don’t want to be away from him and so at the moment, I turn down anything that involves that scenario. Work has sucked it up, so have friends. My boss appreciates my unwavering hard work and commitment over many years and so he can cope with me not wanting to travel while my baby is, well a baby.

He won’t be this little forever. Then I’ll spread my wings again. For now, he comes first every time. My career is important sure, but nothing comes close to my son.

Nobody has said that their job is more important than their kids though. But one night away is really not worth this amount of angst.

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 05/02/2024 22:47

LizHoney · 05/02/2024 21:05

Why are we trying to normalise a parent leaving their baby before they're ready?

OP if you don't want to go then don't. Don't force yourself into it. Your DC is still very little. See how you feel when the next opportunity arises.

Let's also not normalise parents not going to work and keeping their child off nursery in case he chokes...

DappledThings · 05/02/2024 23:11

I can't understand the concept of one parent being out of the home for a night as leaving the baby.

When DC1 was about about 18 months he had his first overnight away from us with PIL and I did feel a bit odd for a bit. But staying away myself when DH was there? That didn't feel like "leaving the baby". His other parent was there. He was in his own home. It isn't the same.