AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

[TheBerry]

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

Wow, some of these comments are mad - how about we show some support instead of jumping on OP?
You do what you feel is best OP - some people are happy to be away for a night, and some are not - we all parent differently, and thats great!

Just don't take to heart strangers on the Internet telling you to "get a grip" or similar what I've read above. Whichever decision you make is best for you, and you're doing great 👍

I would NOT have wanted to go when my sons were 17 months old. I was breastfeeding and they woke at night and only wanted me. A 17 month old is still very, very young. If I had to go then I would. If I knew I had a longer overseas trip that I had to go to when my child was older then the one night away at 17 months might be a good way to ease us both into it.

I have worked full time since both my son's were very small.
I have travelled a lot for work, mostly overseas.
I was invited to speak at a conference in LA when DS2 was just over 2 years old. He stayed with my sister.
I say all this to show that I have been away from my children quite a lot but still think that 17 months is very young to be away overnight.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If your career will not be impacted by you not going then I think it's fine to wait until your child is older.

I don't think you need therapy for these feelings.

Don’t feel pressure to do it OP. You’ll grow more comfortable with time. Been there and worried about the impact on my career.shouldn’t have. No one minded.

Perfectly normal and reasonable to not want to leave such a young children overnight and/or put such a distance between you, in case anything were to happen. Plenty of people are comfortable with it but plenty aren't. You would not be unusual in feeling how you do. It's not a sign of anxiety. Everyone is just different as a parent and that's fine.

I think a perfect compromise is partner a baby come with you and stay close by/in your hotel. Otherwise just skip this trip and go next time/whenever you feel comfortable.

or if it’s only a small feeling of discomfort and you feel happy to push through it then maybe try it this time (even if you have to make your excuses halfway and go home!)

He's 17 months. He'll be fine.

If you're worried about "something happening", it's much more likely to happen during 6 hours of driving. You need to let go, and let your husband parent your son ... at home, and definitely not in a hotel room.

I think you need to go and get some help from your GP. And go on the trip.

Don't set the precedent that dad can't be trusted and that you're the only who can put DS to bed or care for him properly.

You've got years and years of parenting ahead of you - let your DH be a dad.

Mine is a similar age. She knows I work at a time when she is going to bed. She just has to suck it up. It might be beneficial to your son if you were to alternate bedtime for his dad to do it so he learns to cope with it.

YANBU. I'll probably feel the same when my baby is that age. Everyone's different and if you're not ready to spend the night apart that's fine!

Also you might have anxiety but in this case it's just a normal feeling many mothers have. It's instinctive. Don't worry about it and just follow your instincts.

You should go. It’s really important.

it’s normal to feel anxious, but it will get better the more you do it. It’s good for your child to grow up seeing his mother as an independent working woman, not just his father off on trips.

he will be fine. Your worries are irrational, though I think most people sometimes have them!

Go, and enjoy the time being work you

Usually I'm very supportive of staying close when a parent is simply not ready to be away from their DC. But in this case, in the gentlest way, it may be a good time to push yourself through your fears a little bit.

Worrying about things like choking at nursery are, as you said, irrational. I feel deeply for you, that must be difficult to live with. My concern is that these fears will probably eventually leak out and might begin to affect DSs view of the world.

If you could find the courage to go on this overnighter (which is relatively close) it might begin to help you overcome some of these fears. Perhaps you could think of it as a kind of exposure therapy.

The anxiety about leaving him is understandable.

But I think you do have to be careful not to allow this to become a bit pathological. At some point you will face a situation where you spend a night away from your son. This is a perfect opportunity in some ways: he is with his dad and it’s a work trip so there’s a degree of importance.

I think you should do it. It will be a but scary but you will all be fine.

I have to say these hysterical posts about “My baby comes first!!!” etc are profoundly unhelpful. The OP is obviously anxious, why would you a) make her more anxious than she needs to be and b) imply that she is somehow failing him. Have a word with yourselves some of you.

I can't understand why some people are suggesting CBT or seeing a GP for anxiety - over not wanting to leave a young toddler overnight.
Surely they'll say it's normal to feel that way, and to come back in a year if she still feels the same.

Because OP admits it goes further than that and that when her child is at nursery, she doesn't want to be more than 10 minutes away in case he chokes.

She also doesn't want to leave DS in nursery while she's away.

Because she's worrying that if she's further away he's going to choke on something, even when he's with professional child care staff or his father. That's beyond feeling a little sad about sleeping away from him or not being there for the normal bedtime routine.

I still think all of it is unreasonable as well though. She isn't leaving him, one parent is sleeping outside the home for one night while the other is there. Not the same as leaving him with other family.

I would have felt the same at that age and I wasn’t overnight or more than an hour from dc til they were about 5 and 7. however in my case, Dh suffered from depression and I was worried he’d have an episode when looking after the kids. Even after he was much much better it took a long time to feel comfortable leaving them.

I think for your case I’d do it. One night and you say yourself you get on with everyone well, and you know your Dh will be fine.

I went for yabu, but I totally understand how you feel, so you're not entirely unreasonable.

But... as work trips go, it's a short one. Women all too often lose their own identity after having children. It will be good for you to go and socialise, let your hair down a bit, however you feel about it now.

Could you spend some time with your ds before you drive, video call in the evening, and be back in time to spend time with him the following day?

I had a big annual conference to organise and attend when mine were little which meant 3 days and 2 nights away. I always dreaded it. But I always enjoyed it and being 'me' again.

For Gods sake, Judy! Pick up the sock!! PICK UP THE SOCK!!!

I don’t understand why you don’t trust your husband? I’m not one of those parents who never left my kids so I don’t really get it. You’re going on a work trip, for one night. Hardly worth all this drama is it? You’re not leaving him with a stranger or at a children’s home!

I have anxiety so I mean this kindly but I think you should go.

Your son will have no concept of where you are whilst at nursery and won't know you've gone. He will also be asleep from early evening through to morning, which is a large chunk of the time. The rest of the time he is with his (I assume) loving and competent parent and on the second day he will see you later in the day anyway. It is also a trip you will likely enjoy, so I think all things considered it's a good opportunity to try and address your anxiety under all the right circumstances.

As an aside, I also think it's so important that children see their parents as equals and are secure with either parent being there and don't rely on just one.

Also, I know it's not you suggesting you take them with you, but please don't do this. It offers no benefit to either your DH or DS and only serves the purpose of calming your irrational (although understandable) worries.

I don't know why so many people are against you and your partner going but being on their own the first night. That is what i'd do. Make a weekend of it. That way you don't have to drive home hungover, and can share the driving and you all get a weekend away together.

If you do go (which I think you should fwiw), I'd say don't video call. It's not fair on DH and DS- DS is too young to understand, at that age it's pretty much "out of sight, out of mind", and seeing his mum is more likely to upset him. The only person who might benefit is OP- it's pretty selfish to make DS upset and DH's life harder just so OP can feel better.

Go. It's healthy for both of you to get to new places and have the parting and return. If it was a week I'd say no, but a single night - it will be fine.

I absolutely wouldn't go if you don't want to- no need to feel bad about it.