AIBU to miss work trip because I don’t want to leave DS?

[TheBerry]

There is a work trip coming up to meet a new member of our small team, and get together generally. We all work remotely so don’t see one another much, but all get on very well. The trip would involve a 3 hour drive each way and an overnight stay.

DS is 17mo and I just feel so anxious and sad at the thought of leaving him! I know that I am generally overly anxious about things, and he should be totally fine with DH for a couple of days, but I can’t shake the anxiety.

Pre-DS I loved work trips and would have really enjoyed it. I would definitely regret not going in some ways, as I’d miss out on socialising and bonding with my work friends and having a nice meal and night out.

My work is very chill and flexible so they’d be fine if I said I didn’t feel comfortable going.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss out on the socialising and networking, and I guess it could affect my progression in the company if I never show for anything, but also I just really don’t want to leave DS.

What would you do??

YABU - you should go, you’re stressing over nothing, it’s a valuable networking opportunity and DS will be fine

YANBU - DS is still only little and it’s normal to not want to be so far away from him, stay at home

@TheBerry my DS is 16 months and I couldn't be away from him overnight. I mainly WFH and found it really difficult to go out to meetings at first, knowing I was 2 hours away from him. Some mums are absolutely fine from the word go, but some of us need more time to get used to being back at work.
Could you compromise by going for one day, driving there and back?

To be fair if one of mine choked I’d probably rather they were at nursery. They know vaguely what they’re doing there. I’d be a flapping mess. Can’t say my husband would be any better.

Because the OP has said herself that she's tried such things and they've not helped: she admits that it's done beyond the normal realms of daily worries and 'jokingly' mentioned getting Diazepam from her GP.

I know DH will be fine. He’s fine putting him to bed and DS is normally very good and goes straight to sleep. I’m not worried about DH’s ability to look after him, I’m just worried that if something does happen I won’t be there. It fills me with sadness to think of being that far from him.

But think I’ll have to bite the bullet and do it anyway.

Reading some of the posts on thjs thread has just explained to me why all the little snowflakes are the way they are 🙄

We’ve got a LifeVac! I know how to use it, but not sure nursery really does.

I feel like every household and nursery should have one really.

Wasn’t joking lol

I'd be packing as we speak.
Your anxiety is always going to be a barrier if you let it x

I’ve told work that it sounds great and I’m looking forward to it 😭😭😭

He's still young. Don't go if you don't feel ready. I left my first for the first time, also for a work night, around this age and it was ok but I missed him an awful lot.

Seriously?! This is such a bizarre suggestion.

Can you imagine a man with a 1 and a half year old child taking his partner and toddler on a one night business trip as he was anxious about leaving them? That’s no different to what’s being suggested here - OP let your partner parent his child and enjoy your trip, just like any male parent would do without hesitation.

Are you still breastfeeding?

I know that @TheBerry ❤️

You may find that the anticipation of leaving him feels much sadder than actually being away when you will be distracted and it will all go quickly. Treat it as an experiment. You may surprise yourself by enjoying it.

No, I stopped about 3 months ago. He doesn’t need me to go to sleep or anything. He normally goes straight to sleep and doesn’t wake up in the night. So that’s not a problem.

By not going you are going to make this into a much bigger thing than it needs to be. What about next time? And the time after that? I don’t deny it will be hard first time round but you will feel so much better about yourself if you do go. Set a time for you to FaceTime home so you can see your child and husband, and check in every now and then, but honestly I think you should give some real thought to going.

Is there a particular reason you are worried about choking?

I work with children. I'm first aid trained... CPR, choking, asthma, broken bones etc. In 6 years, I've had to deal with one broken arm... then just cuts, bruises, teeth falling out (naturally, not knocked out!) Nettle stings, insect bites, twisted ankles, sickness etc. Never choking. Its serious but rare.

I don't think you are completely unreasonable not to want to go... but your specific fear is a bit.

I'm just worried that if something does happen I won’t be there. It fills me with sadness to think of being that far from him.

If something happens, his dad will be nearby, or he'll be under the care of childcare staff who are trained and who will be just as capable.

Your DH needs to know you can trust him.

Well done 😊 Now try not to dwell on it till nearer the time. Children are all-consuming and you really don't appreciate just how much of your head is filled with them until you have some time away. Once you get there, the chances are you'll enjoy the downtime! Make sure it's a nice hotel with a pool 😉

Someone up thread said don't video call and that it would be selfish. I don't necessarily agree with that. Mine were always fine and were reassured seeing me/ were amused seeing me on a screen. But you know your child best, if it will upset them then don't do it. Many find it comforting though, so it's not one size fits all!

Oh I will definitely video call!

I'm more shocked that there are others agreeing with OP than at OP's own reluctance.

I guess because it’s such a sudden thing that can happen from nowhere, and if it happens you’ve got just a couple of minutes to sort it out to avoid brain injury / death.

He’s a really fast eater and he takes massive mouthfuls too.

Also the horror of being unable to breathe is just about as bad as any kind of torture and I can’t bear to think of anyone experiencing that.

I really wouldn't. Chances are it will be much more upsetting for your son to see you on the phone and not understand why you're not there whereas he'll probably have been fine before that.

He won’t be upset at all. He’ll either be amused or entirely uninterested depending on his mood. Or kiss the screen if he’s feeling cute.

Please don't "take" them with you. Apart from anything else, your colleagues will think you're bonkers. And why on earth should they make a completely unnecessary journey? Different, obviously, if you're bf.

And, whatever he says, I can't believe that at some level dp won't be able to help feeling you don't trust him. Which is bad for everyone.