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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

240 replies

Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:40

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

OP posts:
flipent · 05/02/2024 16:42

It's not great, but what did you expect him to do about it?

GingerIsBest · 05/02/2024 16:42

if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

this is the comment I'd find annoying - the first comment was fine (although would be better if followed up with regular checks to make sure you're okay). But the second comment is obnoxious. Do you always travel to see him? Does he consider where you live to be in the middle of nowhere/shit?

Tinkerbyebye · 05/02/2024 16:46

Do you really see a future with him after that attitude?

because I wouldn’t be seeing him again

UpTheAnte · 05/02/2024 16:47

It's not the best wording, I suppose he could have been more sympathetic but I'm not sure he has 'washed his hands of you'. One off or part of a series of icks?

Catza · 05/02/2024 16:48

I can totally see my partner saying it as a joke. Not once it occurred for me to get upset because I know how loving and caring he is but also how he loves teasing me (especially, if I haven't made myself clear about my levels of distress).
And I would do the same to him... that's just our communication style.
Are you sure it wasn't lost in translation?

BargainBasementland · 05/02/2024 16:48

Don’t be surprised if the relationship progresses and you moan about feeling sick/tired for carrying his baby or say how filthy the bathroom was when you cleaned it after work

he doesn’t give a shit about your comfort- do with that information what you will

Original poster
Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:48

GingerIsBest · 05/02/2024 16:42

if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

this is the comment I'd find annoying - the first comment was fine (although would be better if followed up with regular checks to make sure you're okay). But the second comment is obnoxious. Do you always travel to see him? Does he consider where you live to be in the middle of nowhere/shit?

Yes I always travel to see him and usually offers to pay, but ultimately it’s me putting in the hours of travel. And yeah he’s made other comments that a slightly derogatory about where I live despite knowing that from the off. I dunno it just made me feel rubbish like, oh well, your own fault isn’t it. If I’d known how much longer the journey would be I would have rearranged.

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 05/02/2024 16:49

Do you live in the arse end of nowhere?

flipent · 05/02/2024 16:50

If he isn't putting in the effort to travel to you and share the time commitment - I would suggest that he's not that in to you.
You can do better.

Sidebeforeself · 05/02/2024 16:50

You should have replied ‘YOU live far away from ME!”

Original poster
Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:50

flipent · 05/02/2024 16:42

It's not great, but what did you expect him to do about it?

Well had it been me I would have said ‘oh that totally sucks - I’m so sorry! I really appreciate you coming to see me anyway’ or something along those lines.

not “oh well, good luck, it’s your own fault’ 😂

OP posts:
BargainBasementland · 05/02/2024 16:50

Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:48

Yes I always travel to see him and usually offers to pay, but ultimately it’s me putting in the hours of travel. And yeah he’s made other comments that a slightly derogatory about where I live despite knowing that from the off. I dunno it just made me feel rubbish like, oh well, your own fault isn’t it. If I’d known how much longer the journey would be I would have rearranged.

Show quote history

Are you Uber eats or something

why are you putting all this effort

I hope you are accepting his offers to pay (though I bet you aren’t)

Createausername1970 · 05/02/2024 16:50

Catza · 05/02/2024 16:48

I can totally see my partner saying it as a joke. Not once it occurred for me to get upset because I know how loving and caring he is but also how he loves teasing me (especially, if I haven't made myself clear about my levels of distress).
And I would do the same to him... that's just our communication style.
Are you sure it wasn't lost in translation?

Exactly what I was going to say. It does sound more of a jokey comment - or even a clumsy way of suggesting you move in.

Droppit · 05/02/2024 16:51

Do you think he might've said it in a jokey way?
I agree it's a shitty comment as the subtext is that he is the centre of the universe and you're the one that lives far away. He also lives far away... From you!

Thedance · 05/02/2024 16:51

It was a joke. I don't think he was saying anything that meant anything. He was maybe just trying to lighten the mood.
There wasn't really anything else he could say other than it sounded horrible and horrible which he had said.

Rosievictoria · 05/02/2024 16:52

Why do you always travel to see him?
Why not take turns?

LifeExperience · 05/02/2024 16:52

Why are you traveling such a distance when he doesn't seem all that interested? Find someone closer.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 05/02/2024 16:52

I thought he was trying to make a joke to be honest. A very bad one!

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/02/2024 16:54

It was a bad joke 🫣

Original poster
Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:55

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 05/02/2024 16:52

I thought he was trying to make a joke to be honest. A very bad one!

Edited

Yeah well maybe, I don’t know, it’s so hard over text. I wasn’t being totally miserable or complaining I still thanked him for a lovely weekend.

dunno just felt off!

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 05/02/2024 16:55

He's telling you that he refuses to take any responsibility for you, your choices and your discomforts. All of that is on you alone, even though he has mutually benefited from your inconvenience.

And yes it sounds like he has a low opinion of where you live.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 05/02/2024 16:56

This is a complete non issue - sounds like shit banter, I would have bantered back like PP and said, you’re the one that lives far away to him!

Don’t agree with PP that you need checking in on, you’re a grown woman on a safe train, not lost in the wilderness.

I wouldn’t end it because of this and I don’t take any shit and have high standards.

LonginesPrime · 05/02/2024 16:56

I was going to say that it sounds like might have just been a joke, or he might have been hoping it could lead to a discussion about your long-term living plans.

But since you always travel to him anyway, it doesn't sound like a particularly balanced relationship.

I'd be getting pissed off if I were making all the effort and the other person made a comment like that too. It brings into focus the fact that you're the one doing all the running and he clearly can take or leave you.

letsbepositive2024 · 05/02/2024 16:57

Is he worth the effort? Would he reciprocate and visit you?

If you have doubts about either of those questions then it's a no.

In fact, if you can't confidently say 'hell yes' to those questions, I'd be out.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 05/02/2024 16:57

Just seen your update, if he doesn’t make an effort, bin him off.