To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

If he was really into you, wouldn't he travel to you half of the time?

He sounds mildly awful, or deficient in basic emotional intelligence (anyone with half a brain would recognise that someone stuck on an unexpectedly endless train journey because of works on the line isn't going to be in the right headspace for his hilarious bantz), but surely the key thing is he doesn't travel to see you, he lets you travel to him and then makes bad jokes about your travel time home...?

it’s just for some reason I feel an energy shift after the weekend and not sure why

It’s because his true colours started coming it! You need to trust your gut on this.

Presumably he's not actually 17? I can't imagine a grown up texting and saying that stuff. Ick. I'll walk to the shop? Oh, fuck off then.

He was joking. It came off a bit badly but still! If it is bothering you this much you why are you talking to us not him!?!

You'd want sympathy? For what? Being stuck on a train a bit longer than expected? The guy in question WAS sympathetic. What on earth else would you want beyond that?

I get why you are feeling so sensitive after such a horrible experience, but he was clearly making a joke. Just not great timing.

I would totally see this as a lighthearted joke

If he's the one organising stuff it makes sense that he's doing it in his area, which he knows. If you want him to travel to yours, suggest it and make some plans. If you want an even share of travel and planning, don't leave it up to him all the time to take charge. FWIW I would have seen his initial comment as a joke (or an invitation to move in if you had been together longer)

He obviously thinks you're at the point in your relationship where you can make jokes like this. You don't.

This was absolutely how I took it. Like, not necessarily immediately, but hinting he wished you lived closer and hope you will one day?

I certainly wouldn't take it horribly. But it's so easy to get offended/give offence over text, unfortunately.

If he's genuinely decent this wouldn't put me off him.

I think a lot of men (and probably women too) can be shit at sympathising in this kind of situation I think. My husband utterly excels in situations when he can actually help people (nursed me back to health with so much patience when I nearly died; amazing with my dad who has severe dementia; we all think he should retrain as a nurse) but when it's a situation which is just a bit rubbish but he can't do anything to help, this is absolutely the kind of slightly tactless thing he would say!

Double check trains for this weekend. There’s train strikes all week.

Yeah there’s a possibility he was feeling awkward about it and just said the wrong thing.

but my gut reaction has been to withdraw and maybe that’s a general thing rather than specifically this one comment.

I just keep thinking ‘I should probably text him because I’ve ignored him all day now’ but also I kind of just can’t be bothered. I just feel flat about it and I should be excited and feeling good after the weekend.

To me, it just sounds like you’re pointlessly self-emiserating and acting like the romantic bubble has burst when, in reality, all that’s happened is a nice man annoyed you with a crap joke.

He’s human. He wishes you lived closer. Next time get him to come to you and don’t self-sabotage a relationship for no reason.

Equally, if you want to bin him, bin him.

Sense of humour fail.

This. Test it. Let him know that this journey really reminded you that travelling all thr time is not great for you and suggest meeting at yours next time. Plan an activity or event accordingly..

I did wonder this after your update. Sounds like he's trying too hard to be casual and cool if he's otherwise affectionate.

I think you are overreacting to the text itself which sounds like a joke. but your reaction probably points to how you feel about the travel generally.

I am on the joke brigade too, sounds pretty innocent if in bad taste. Are you enjoying seeing him?

I get how you’re feeling, I’d feel a similar way in response to his messages. Rather than dismiss it, I would do as already suggested and test him, get him to come to you, see if he makes the effort.

Yeah, no. I’d be done by now.

You are making the effort. You are the one travelling.

I know feminism and all that but where the hell are the men putting physical effort into dating. Actually travelling.

ita a bit piss poor to expect one partner to do all the legwork and just show up.

I get he’s paying/offering to pay but fuck… you are doing all the mental load of arranging and planning and travelling and he’s doing none.

I'd leave him. He's basically saying no don't even think about asking him to travel to you

I’d take it as a poorly timed joke that he’d like you to live closer.

Fgs he’s done nothing wrong. You are so sensitive.

If you can’t handle his humour then you need to keep off the train!

If you are always making the effort to go to his then things are not balanced. So what if he pays for things and organises activities all which can be done by a click of a button these days. You are putting in the time and effort to do all the travel.

You two aren't well matched. He's joking, you do not understand his humour. I'm quite stunned that so many in this thread don't to be honest, i know lots of people who speak like this. It's a bit unsettling to see how many don't recognise normal everyday mild banter that I hear every day in the office, with mates and at home from DH. Anyway, break up, this is simply how he talks and that won't work long term when you don't understand him.