To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

It depends on their relationship and the type of guy he is. If he's a bit of a joker/into "banter" then that's probably his way of dealing with it. If it makes OP uncomfortable she needs to communicate that to him and have internal boundaries of what to do if he ignores that it makes her uncomfortable.

The position the OP was in meant if he couldn't do anything realistically to 'save the day', the only alternative was to sympathise. Not crack a joke about it.

Of course using humour was an option - if he had said something actually funny that OP appreciated, that could have worked really well as an alternative to a serious, sympathetic comment.

Assuming it was an attempt at humour, it obviously failed to land given the wider context of OP doing all the running, as it came across more like "more fool you for travelling all that way, you mug".

Id be annoyed at his assumption that you live miles away from him......... he lives just as far away from you! And you do most of the effort to travel to visit him.

The comment was a bit crap and I probably wouldn't like it either, but the bigger red flag is that it's you doing all the travelling to see him.

My ex was like that, he just never really made a decent effort (and it wasn't that he wasn't that into me - we did end up getting married) and that carried on into other areas of our relationship.

Long story but when I was early on in dating my now husband, I went to stay with my parents and it all went really badly. They weren't nice people, we're estranged now, but I was giving things a chance at the time. Anyway, they literally do live in the arse end of nowhere, but when I texted him to say how miserable I was, he just got in the car and drove for three hours to come and get me. I've never forgotten that, it was just kind and really selfless and made me feel looked after. That's the kind of thing you want, not feeling a bit blah after little digs and being made to feel like you're the only one putting in the effort.

@Sad0tter I think his comment was a bit tactless but not awful and he did ask if you got home ok.. Are you usually such hard work as you're totally blowing this out of proportion! What exactly did you want him to do or say? You're an adult, you were safe on the train so I don't think you needed checking on every few minutes.. if you want this to work out then you need to change your attitude and chill out..

He sounds like a bit of a prick. That self-congratulatory 'because I'm nice' comment about seeing you to the station like he was doing you a favour would have pissed me off, even before his dismissive attitude towards your horrible train journey.

If you do decide you want to see him again, it's his turn to travel to you. No excuses. You'll soon find out how 'nice' he is, or otherwise.

But just to add you shouldn't be doing all the travelling to see him, he should travel to see you also as it's simply not fair on you..

Why are you in such a one sided relationship? Get out while you still can, it won't end well

The bigger issue is why are you putting in all the work? It shouldn't be this hard early on.

lost in translation

maybe he wants you to mover closer to him?

It's all too one sided. And it sounds like he's testing you too, see how much "teasing" you'll put up with. I'd move on. Let him go. There's better ones out there.

OP, with respect, why would he put any effort in when you’ve made it clear you’re happy to do the running around? You need to put boundaries in place ASAP.

Well to be honest it wouldn’t feel one sided if he was just a bit more appreciative and understanding of the effort. He makes effort in other ways, planning nice dates, paying for everything, he’s communicative, it’s just for some reason I feel an energy shift after the weekend and not sure why.

But he doesn't value your time, and what's more important than that. Trust me it's a slippery slope, dump him. You can do better

I mean I would probably go with going this weekend but saying you don't want to do all the travelling in future so he needs to come to you. See what the reaction is and make a decision from there. Rather than dumping him straight off. Obviously if it's just killed your feelings for him then breaking up is the only option but I'd probably flag the issue before I broke up with him otherwise.

Dont be put off. Sounds to me like he would like you both to live closer to one another.

Me too! That’s how I would’ve read it.

it’s just for some reason I feel an energy shift after the weekend and not sure why.

It sounds like there's a bit of an energy shift on both sides, whereby you're both wondering whether it's still worth the effort.

I think it's normal around this point in a relationship when you've got to know each other a bit better that people start considering whether the relationship is going anywhere in the longer-term.

Not everyone is going to be a keeper, and they don't have to be a terrible person for you to decide they're not the one for you - if you're simply not feeling it, that's enough of a reason to cool things off a bit too.

The thing about living far away could easily be gentle teasing. As if to say I like you and wish you were nearer to me. If he didn't like you I don't think he would have said that. He was probably trying to be lighthearted. It does not sound bad to me really. Is he nice in other ways, in person? Will he visit you?

Ok well it's good that you have naturally delayed responding to his message, sounds like he is taking you for granted a bit.

As it's already planned I would go for this weekend, but I would tell him you want him to come to yours for next time.

Regardless of if it was a joke/banter it left you feeling uncomfortable, enough that you're really not keen to talk to him today. He obviously thinks where he lives in much better but I'd tell him you're sick of doing the journey and it's his turn, see if he makes excuses because that will tell you something about him. I think he's getting a bit too comfortable with you making all the effort, if he really wants to see you he'll come to you

Yep. When I was dating my now DH, he used to regularly travel from Birmingham (where he was doing a PhD) to London where I was working, and I would do the same in reverse. Sounds like this one wants you to do all the running around, but isn't even appreciative of your efforts. I'd chuck him back in.

He was making a joke OP. A badly timed one, but a joke nonetheless.

He might be hinting for you to move in with him.

It’s a bit of a shitty comment. I would make it clear that you expect him to come to you for the next date, so you aren’t wasting half your day on the train. If you want to go there this weekend you can tell him while you’re there the next couple of dates are at yours as you’ve been travelling a lot. If he doesn’t bother you will soon know where you stand with him.