To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

I can see this both ways…

Although why you’re doing all the travelling and him all the paying seems a bit strange. Why isn’t it more equal?

I actually think the earlier comment about walking you to the station was worse - it was this that probably made his latter comment irk you more - plus the lack of travel effort is really off

like - i'm a great guy but don't think i'm putting myself out solely for you - it's a comment which puts you in your place and shows he is always centering himself. Would he have walked you to the station if he didn't need something from the shop? Why the need ti tell you that? Even if it's a 'joke' it shows some unconscious thinking on his part. Thinks he's quite a catch doesn't he

I think i'd see if he will make a proper effort and come to you - if you can be arsed at this point

Often the things we have to work harder for, we value more.

He sounds like he's taking you for granted, you need to be assertive and tell him that after this weekend he's going to travel to you. Are you travelling to see him every weekend though, or are you also taking some weekends for yourself? If you're seeing him every weekend it gives the impression that you don't have a life and are making him too much of a priority.

Yeah I agree with this totally. It was a bit like, I’m not even doing it for you, I’m just doing it because I need to highlight what a great guy I am. It was a weird thing to even mention. And again, these things seem small, but you pick up on them for a reason.

my instinct is to just pull way back now. I will still see him this weekend, but I think I need to observe quite closely. It’s not unusual when a guy feels like he’s ‘got’ you, to revert to how they just naturally are and stop trying. It kind of feels a bit like that.

Are there no men in your own neck of the woods?

OP, as @TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment says, aren’t there any decent men where you live? What do you want from life now? In a rush to meet and marry someone and have DC or?

Personally for me, I wouldn’t travel to see miles to see a man, though I’ve done this but where we both travelled to see the other, in the past.

Oops sorry that i took a different intent for the thread. See lol! It's harder in text 😂

As for asking him, well we just differ in approach then I think.

I would think that if you admit to him (not by text) where your head has been, then you will get some cues from how he responds.

True it's unlikely he'll say "yes I meant you made your bed, you have to lie in it" even if he did mean that.

But as he probably didn't mean that he'll probably be able to reassure you PLUS he might think more sensitively next time.

As someone who tries to ask, not assume, your reply to me reads (to me) more like when a guy is cheating and needs to caught in the act to be sure.

But this is just about communication style. You will not find a perfect guy same as no perfect women exist. So even if he was a bit thoughtless in his wording... people adapt to each other as part of getting closer.. he possibly has no idea you took that so badly and, if he cares about you, he would want to know that about you.

What I'm trying to say, as gently as possible, is that it's totally understandable for you to be wary based in past experiences. But it sounds as though you think any guy is fixed in his ways so all you can do is appraise with no influence. But successful relationships are built from getting to learn what matters more to a specific partner than to others etc.

You also say you don't want to bring it up in case a convo does show him to be uncaring type. Wouldn't you want to find that out sooner rather than later?

But maybe I have that wrong too, perhaps you just want to enjoy it while it's fun and "when the fun stops, stop"? If so then I apologise for assuming something else entirely.

I dunno. Something obviously doesn’t feel right to you. I would see how this weekend pans out and go with your gut feeling.

I've read the thread and I think that his comment is giving you the right feelings about him.
He could drive to yours but decides against it making you take the train to see him. Why would someone not want to make your life easier and not have to face these public transport issues if they have their own mode of transport and could use it to get to see you. It seems very one sided there.
His comment about staying in bed that followed is (I hate to say it) giving me the ick. I can't quite put my finger on why it is but it is. I mean as the conversation was going it wasn't going to be the next obvious thing to discuss or mention.
Transport works both ways as does respect. He is making you do all the running and guess what, when you tell him in clear language that you had to sit on your suitcase in a draughty corridor of the train he didn't immediately say "Oh, that's terrible. I'll drive to you next so that you don't have to do that again for a while".
I don't know if you replied to his message that he sent yesterday but I'd give him a bit of distance and if he doesn't pick up on how he has behaved, then I'd cut him loose.

Also sorry if my advice hit a completely bum note!

I'm coming from place of a 30+ year relationship that has not always been plain sailing. Sometimes I take things the wrong way nowadays based on how he used the same words a lot in an extended bad patch. It's only from talking it out that I realised that he genuinely was puzzled at my initially very hurt reactions to certain phrases when he was using them completely differently these days.

I have learnt to immediately question how he means things before reacting, and he is learning to make certain, ought to normally be fine, phrases no-go because they are now triggering.

So, when assuming you were talking about building a potential long term relationship I was trying to say that open communication is key.

My dating was so long ago that there was no internet and not even any texting. So we always had verbal tone to go by. I find it a minefield trying to make tone clear in writing. So that also coloured how strongly I urged you to "just talk".

Anyway, I hope you have lots of fun times coming your way whether it's with that guy or not 🙂.

And I hope no engineering works on your route next weekend!!!🍀🤞

no don’t worry I appreciate all the advice. I agree with you, I find texting hard to navigate sometimes. And I’m aware that given my past I do have the potential to be over sensitive, understandably, but equally don’t want to ignore my instincts on things.

I think this weekend it makes sense to just have an open discussion about how things going to work going forward and if there’s the slightest resistance at balancing things out then that’s my answer, and to be honest I actually feel totally ok with that. So maybe I’m not actually too bothered about him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you've got reaction has been right with this one. He's utterly selfish.

It sounds a bit like you’re a convenient visiting shag and he doesn’t actually care much about you.

This is ridiculously OTT! He was obviously just being playful & was joking around. Why do some people have such a disposable attitude towards relationships?! No wonder it's so rare for couples to last these days if the tiniest sign of anything that isn't gushing, unwavering worship of the ground you walk on, results in being dumped 😕

I wouldn’t go that far. He’s organised and paid for a weekend away this week to a 5* hotel. I mean yes he gets a nice weekend away too but I wouldn’t go so far as saying I’m just an easy shag 🙄

Seems like banter to me. Plus the comment about walking to the train station too. The text is hard for you to tell it's banter because you can't tell tone of voice from text but I might well say something like that to my husband. I think maybe you just have different senses of humour.

You can take the joke about walking to the train station several ways, 1) that he thinks he's too good for you (struggling with seeing that. 2) that he wants to make sure you get there safely but doesn't want to appear to make overbearing and keen 3) it was just a throwaway comment with a bit of humour which is being overanalysed here.

The only point of concern here is that you are doing all the travelling. I would look to get that in balance first and if he won't do his share then I'd be out of there.

I'd have thought he was joking with you and replied along similar lines, but you know him better than me.

🙄

You have done all the work in this relationship and he doesn't appreciate it one tiny bit.

You know the next bit.

Wow that's quite a gigantic leap you've made there

Now I would have minded THAT! - him keeping the booking knowing about the disruption without discussing it 1st in case I'd rather postpone, or see if could travel 1st train Monday instead. Or him maybe drive part way if the disruption in early part.

I would have wanted to find out why he didn't consult me. I'd maybe become alert for other stuff depending on why he'd felt no need to. (Unless the timing difference was not that big, if the main problem was the overcrowding and if that was not foreseeable).

Maybe that lack of thought and how the journey went has contributed to the generally "flat" feeling. It would concern me more than the comment unless we had argued about it already but not accepted each others' points. In that case, the comment could maybe seem like a dig about minding the booking being made, continuing the argument.

But I do see that you haven't mentioned arguing about it. I'm just saying that part I see the issue for sure.

I now wish I could withdraw my vote and abstain because I stilll think i'd have phoned him immediately to clarify the comment, but I do see the issue with this part.

That post was meant to quote your post from "Today 7:36"

But seeing you say in a later post that he does things like book nice accomodation for your weekends maybe he thought the overall plan so good that it was no brainer that you'd still want to go. He should have given a heads up about the disruption as soon as he knew though.

I am glad I am not the one having to work this out because my head was spinning when I tried to work out whether him paying for everything counts as a big share of "effort".

My opinion is that it maybe is? fair that one puts all the travel effort in when it's all funded by the other one... one putting in extra time, travel, the other money but gaining convenience. When it's very early days dating and no financially linked relationship.

But I can see it needs to not become somehow buying the way completely out of needing to consider the other persons wishes. You have NOT given that impression at all though so hopefully it's not like that.

Sounds like you have a handle now on what you want to sound him out about next weekend, feel casual enough about it still to end it if it does cross lines for you, but with a balanced enough view to not jump the gun on that based on guesswork and assumptions. Great!

Good luck!

So organising and paying for dates and her travel doesn't count as work or effort in your world?

It’s hard to know never having met the guy and not knowing the true context. But to me it reads a bit like he’s one of those cocky types that thinks he’s a bit of a lad, got to play it cool, makes this sort of remark to “keep ‘em keen” when actually, any real man knows that a woman would much prefer a man who is in touch with his feelings and can show them.

Without knowing him it’s hard to tell, but on the whole I’m not into that type of guy. The last cocky bloke I met was my mate’s husband, who turned out to be a total narc and they’re now in a messy divorce.

Well exactly, I’m struggling enough and I know him!

my feeling about it all before the weekend was that he really liked me, way more into me than I was into him. And then there’s a possibility he suddenly felt the need to withdraw for whatever reason and hence the weird comments.

it’s not like it was the first time we slept together so not that. So just a bit strange really. There was nothing really before this point suggesting he wasn’t really keen.