To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

On the face of it, it sounds like a poor attempt at humour. But with the context of you always travelling to him and seemingly doing all the work (even if he pays - so what? That doesn't take any effort on his part) plus his weird comment about only going with you because he needs to go to the shop, I suspect you're feeling unappreciated in general because of the setup. I would probably be cancelling next weekend and watching his reaction. You deserve someone who would travel to you without a second thought (or a shitty comment!)

It sounds like he thinks he's doing you a favour by letting you date him.

That’s kind of how I feel which is weird because literally until about an hour before I left it was all fine and he’s been so into me, really affectionate. I felt like he was genuinely into me, and then it was like something suddenly changed and he felt the need to kind of almost put me down? Even in a very subtle way.

Same as above and also like he's subtly (or not so much) testing your capacity for mistreatment.

I'd expect him to travel 50% of the time from now on (assuming you're happy to host). It needs to be fair. If he can't be arsed then that tells you a lot about who he is!

The first comment just reads to me like a daft, jokey thing to do, definitely hinting that he wishes you lived closer. The second thing about needing shop made me chuckle. All sounds like you have a sense of humour mismatch and perhaps he makes light of situations whereas you are more serious or solemn.

I don't understand why you think he has washed his hands of you. Maybe you would need a thicker skin to date him and endure a bit of teasing, so maybe there is a compatibility issue there.

If you feel like he's subtly putting you down then end it. Even if (best case scenario) it's just his way of talking and isn't intended that way it still suggests incompatibility. Traveling to date someone should be fun and lovely and exciting, not coming away feeling flat and wondering what they meant by x and y and z (i.e. not even just one comment but multiple).

I don’t think it’s because I don’t have a sense of humour. We generally do have good banter and I can take a bit of a joke, and we both gently tease each other, but for me I’m very hot on stuff like this because I am very used to men getting insecure around me and then trying to put me down or demonstrating they don’t respect me or care about me.

My abusive ex-H did this and another guy I saw ages ago who was also abusive. So it raised alarm bells for me and I don’t know if that’s me being astute or over sensitive.

He lives the same distance from you as you do from him. Maybe he shouldn't live so far away.

This

I think you are being over sensitive, sorry. I think it was just a flippant comment that didn't mean much one or the other.

It's a bit too late to do it now, but if i had received that message I would perhaps have replied something like " Wow that's an odd thing to say after I travelled to see you"

I'd definitely be too tired to travel this weekend, say that you're exhausted after your long delay last weekend so he's welcome to come to yours but you're having transport free weekend. You'll find out if he is a keeper by his response to that.

Is it possible that he is self-conscious about the reasons you always end up travelling to him (e.g. perhaps because he doesn't drive or can't afford the train fares), and was attempting to use humour to cover his discomfort?

I assumed it's a joke to say you should move closer? Ie near him?

He doesn't even ever travel to see you occasionally?? He's not worth the effort.

Doesn't matter if she does. He lives the same distance from her as she lives from him. It's a 2 way street if you don't live close to each other and it doesn't seem to be like that at the moment. I would finish things to be honest.

He can drive and can definitely afford the train fares. He has mentioned coming nearer to me but not actually made a proper effort to do so.

Aside from anything else, he sounds very low effort.

Well maybe, and I do ultimately have plans to do so career wise anyway.

he later said ‘you should have just stayed in bed with me’

but I just took that as a sexual thing rather than, you would have been more than welcome to stay here if it made things easier for you.

but yeah I dunno. Perhaps it’s a generally feeling making me read too much into it.

The more you post, the more I suspect that this issue of you doing all the travelling and him being a bit blasé about it, is really what's bothering you. So you travel but he's a bit "oh yeah, okay, I guess I can walk you to the station and help with your bag but not sure really". or you have a travel crisis and he's dismissive of it and just sees it as a problem you have to suck up because you live further away - you're right, if someone had travelled far to see me I'd feel guilty if they had a shitty journey back. Intellectually feeling guilty is ridiculous, but nonetheless, I'd feel it.

I think you need to treat this like an alert your brain is sending you. You've got plans this weekend but start planning now for the weekend after and to do something local to you/get him to you. Perhaps even pre-empt this "oh, after all the travelling the last few weeks especially that shitty journey, it's definitely your turn to come down here next time. Shall we get curry from my favourite place and see a movie after"? or whatever...

Always trust your gut feeling, especially at the start of a relationship. It shouldn’t be you making all the effort.

I initially read it as though he meant he would prefer it if you lived closer/an attempt at wanting you to possibly live together. Reading everyone else's replies I am probably off, but that's how I read it.

I actually would consider cancelling this weekend but it would involve him losing out on a fair bit of money he spent organising it and that feels a bit overly harsh.

But he’s messaged me this morning just saying good morning and sending me a picture of the view from where he’s working and just can’t bring myself to respond yet because I’m just a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😕

if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I'd see that as him being playful personally and would be joking back with him.

The amount of posters, presumably women, suggesting his comment was a bad attempt at humour are really quite baffling. The position the OP was in meant if he couldn't do anything realistically to 'save the day', the only alternative was to sympathise. Not crack a joke about it.

That comment would put me off him, as would dating someone who I'd have to make something of an excursion to visit every so often while still figuring out where it's going.

All in all it sounds as though you're putting in a lot more effort than he is and his communication style doesn't suit you, nor it appears, does he have the requisite emotional intelligence.