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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

240 replies

Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 16:40

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DonnyBurrito · 05/02/2024 20:54

Sounds like you were in an already (understandably) miffed mood because of the delay which made this crap joke land badly. I think it's empathy you were after, not sympathy!

Original poster
Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 21:03

BricksTricks · 05/02/2024 20:54

You two aren't well matched. He's joking, you do not understand his humour. I'm quite stunned that so many in this thread don't to be honest, i know lots of people who speak like this. It's a bit unsettling to see how many don't recognise normal everyday mild banter that I hear every day in the office, with mates and at home from DH. Anyway, break up, this is simply how he talks and that won't work long term when you don't understand him.

I wouldn’t really go that far, we actually have really good back and forth usually, but I guess maybe it was just the last thing where I felt like things were a bit unbalanced and so he was trying to joke and it landed badly.

just felt a little mean in the circumstances.

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 05/02/2024 21:03

I would be put off, also you are doing all the running
Cool off with him for a while and see if he is willing to do a bit more of the running, if he Dosen’t you have your answer

It should be every second weekend him/ you travelling, a gentleman wouldn’t let a woman continually do all the travelling and you should only be considering men who treat you well considering your past abusive relationship, having said that you shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated like that and should have insisted ( in the nicest possible way) that the travelling is 50/50

Teacherprebaby · 05/02/2024 21:06

You ALWAYS travel to see him? Is he unable to get on a train?

LizHoney · 05/02/2024 21:21

It was a joke.

lemonmeringueno3 · 05/02/2024 21:47

I think your communication styles are not well matched.

To me, his comment about the train and the one about going to the shop are just jokes. I can imagine saying them. It wouldn't bother me at all if a bf said them, especially as he did check that you'd caught the train, and then also that you got home.

The sort of message you say that you would send, or would have liked from him, feels silly and insincere to me.

So neither of you is wrong but you'll keep being hurt by his messages, so probably time to call it a day.

Apolloneuro · 05/02/2024 22:08

None of the examples of things he’s said would upset me. It just seems like jokes to me. I get it doesn’t to you though.

Wishitsnows · 05/02/2024 22:11

Why doesn’t he ever make the effort to come to you. That would piss me off and makes me think he’s not that in to you

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2024 22:14

I hate "banter" but the main issue here is that he never travels to see you.

But yes, I'd expect sympathy in that situation. Bin him off. You were correct in your post where you said you were being astute.

2021x · 05/02/2024 22:19

Do you think he isn’t good with managing sad emotions. Likes it’s a macho thing… I want to walk to the station but I have to make an excuse, or I feel bad for putting you in this situation on the train so I will
lighten the mood?

Banrion · 05/02/2024 22:21

I'm finding this such a non issue. Can't believe all the posters saying leave him! That's so strange. It was just a little joke.
You keep talking about his plans. Do you ever make plans? Do you ever invite him to yours for the weekend. You sound like you just go along with whatever he says but never have any ideas yourself

Legoroses · 05/02/2024 22:23

Hold on. Why are so many women seeing 'banter' and some kind of coded message about moving closer that aren't actually there? Those texts aren't vaguely funny and nor are they some weird lovelorn secret code.

Jesus, no wonder poor quality men get away with it. So many women wishing into existence both comedic gifts and romance that isn't there.

Original poster
Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 22:25

2021x · 05/02/2024 22:19

Do you think he isn’t good with managing sad emotions. Likes it’s a macho thing… I want to walk to the station but I have to make an excuse, or I feel bad for putting you in this situation on the train so I will
lighten the mood?

Yeah interesting… I was wondering whether it was a maturity thing, like given we’d had a really nice weekend and I suppose things are getting a bit more serious, and he was being totally into me, really affectionate, and then there was like this switch where it was like ‘can’t seem overly keen!’ Or something. Like trying to counteract some kind of vulnerability and didn’t want it to look like he cared too much.

it’s just a bit at odds with how he’s been before now and nothing perceptible changed in any other way. Not like it’s the first time we’ve slept together or anything.

OP posts:
AbsoluteMoronsEverywhere · 05/02/2024 22:26

I wonder what he would say if you said "I really can't face the train after last time, could you pick me up please?" His answer to that will tell you all you need to know

Boomboom22 · 05/02/2024 22:28

2 things.
It is banter and you are oversensitive.
You're like this because he's not that into you. And you are too passive to confirm if this is true by eg bantering back why am I always coming to yours? What about my bed?
If he drives why are you getting the train anyway?

Alicewinn · 05/02/2024 22:36

I think it was a joke, and maybe a bit of a protest you live too far?

Avoidingsleep · 05/02/2024 22:40

The first part sounds a bit jokey.

But the second part makes him sound ungrateful and a bit nasty.

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2024 22:41

Alicewinn · 05/02/2024 22:36

I think it was a joke, and maybe a bit of a protest you live too far?

So why won't he travel to her?

Coyoacan · 05/02/2024 22:46

I'd say that as a joke. It seems silly to take a comment like that seriously

TwilightBee · 05/02/2024 22:52

I think both his comments are clearly jokes.

All the people saying she shouldn’t be doing all the travelling yet haven’t asked if there’s anything other than OP that is worth travelling to where OP lives? I was once seeing a guy that lived in a tiny little village in the middle of nowhere. All it had was a tiny pub open 5-10, don’t know if it was nice cos I never went. I’d have never considered travelling to him up until a point where I felt comfortable spending the entire time at his house or going for walks in the middle of nowhere with him.

If where you live has nothing to do then maybe he’s not yet comfortable enough to spend the weekend completely alone with you and would rather make plans for dates etc? If you’re still in the getting to know each other stage then yeah you need to go places and do things to stimulate the conversation and keep the energy going.

You also said he makes the plans. If you don’t live somewhere where there’s nothing to do, why don’t you use some initiative and make the plans so he has to travel to you? If he refuses then that’s absolutely when you break up with him, if you don’t decide to do so sooner.

pootlin · 05/02/2024 22:56

Sad0tter · 05/02/2024 17:17

I dunno to be honest 😂 he’s kind of mentioned travelling here but when he makes plans they’re always closer to him.

Show quote history

He thinks him and his time are more important than you.

I think you’re right to withdraw.

Don’t be so accommodating, people take advantage.

Alicewinn · 05/02/2024 23:14

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2024 22:41

So why won't he travel to her?

Show quote history

Ideally OP would have that conversation with him. Better to communicate than to assume the worst, it's early days they don't really know each other yet

MILTOBE · 05/02/2024 23:14

I don't like him, OP. You do all the running around. He's happy at home while you're doing all the travelling. The fact he pays for you probably doesn't mean anything more than he can afford it and it means nothing to him.

The money for the upcoming weekend has gone anyway - look up the sunk cost fallacy in relationships.

Personally I would say that it was over - I think he's selfish and unsympathetic. Tell the little emperor his day is done.

2021x · 05/02/2024 23:23

It sounds like it’s a possibility then. The question really is how much do you want to put into it. I am assuming he is a grown man, so ultimately it’s his responsibility if he wants to change it I.e on this level it’s manageable but if you are in labour it might feel different 😊

Maybe this is a bigger deaL for you than you realise, maybe you have been down this path before which is why your sensitive to it at the early stage? Or maybe you were pissed off being on a train on the cold with no seat.

EdgarAllenRaven · 05/02/2024 23:54

Both his comments are jokes! You need to make a joke right back, eg “next time it’s your turn to brave the trains mate”, or at the shop comment “glad you could kill birds with one stone”, or “charming “
Just match his feistiness, take it all with a pinch of salt

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