To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

OP I’m sorry you’ve had abusive partners previously, so I mean this gently, but you have mentioned a few times how you’re hyper sensitive to any hint of abusive behaviour and it did rather make me wonder whether you’re testing your current partner or analysing them through a lens of your previous experience which seems a bit unfair. Yes of course you’re going to be alert to avoiding further abuse but you can’t view every new partner as a potential abuser or you’re going to torpedo potentially promising relationships. Approaching him with positive regard and trust is the best way to get the best from him.

Getting upset about every comment that doesn’t quite ‘land’ or texts all just seems a bit intense to me - if you don’t like something about the dynamic then discuss it outright but reading into every interaction for suggestions of gas lighting or abuse, I don’t know, it would send me running tbh…

So he made a mistake booking the wrong train? Or he thought you wouldn’t mind it taking longer given perhaps he thought you’d think the time together was worth it ? If he’s paying for tickets and organising nice stuff together he seems pretty keen and attentive to me? Is it that he WONT visit you or does it make more sense for you to go to him (Ie more suitable place or work requirements etc )

Sounds like a self-centred smart arse to me.

Yeah I totally get that and honestly, despite everything that happened in my past, I am actually exceptionally laid back. That’s not to say I don’t have boundaries but I’m not needy or clingy, rarely need reassurance about stuff and generally I have a very light hearted approach to things. I did a huge amount of healing and work since my last relationships and I would say I have a balanced approach to stuff. Perhaps a tendency to ‘switch off’ quite suddenly if something doesn’t feel right and I could probably give people the benefit of the doubt a bit more. So I’m aware of that.

It just got me questioning because I am also totally aware of the slippery slope of having an instinct about something and continually ignoring it. More so than the odd comment. I’m not upset by it, more wondering if this is indicative of a bigger issue.

I am very used to men getting weird and insecure around me. I’m pretty attractive, intelligent and work in a well respected profession. I’ve literally had men online flat out refuse to believe I even exist (to the point where they thought I was faking my linked in profile FGS) and must be catfishing.

I’m often totally bemused by it to be honest and don’t have an ego about it particularly (most of the time I work from home in trackies and most certainly wouldn’t turn heads at this precise moment in time, for any positive reasons! 😅) but as I’m sure a lot of women have experienced, when men feel insecure in some way they quite often try to bring you down, and it starts so small, but I’m vigilant to it.

It’s not a bad thing to trust your instincts - as long as you’re checking yourself at the same time that that is what is really going on - if your instincts are he’s insecure and trying to belittle you then it kind of doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; the relationship is dead in the water regardless.

I don’t really know which kind of men you’re dating, but as someone who (at least formally in my youth!) could describe myself in similar terms to you, I genuinely never once met a man who tried to put me down because I made them insecure ? I guess because I was only dating people who I thought were equally attractive and intelligent and successful so I didn’t view myself as superior to them or them to me? It almost seems a bit weird to view other people in those terms? Or even to view yourself in that way? Certainly by the time you’re actually having a relationship with someone those sorts of considerations would already have been filtered out !?

if not maybe you need to raise your standards?

I didn’t say that’s what I thought. And I don’t see myself as superior, but nor do I have low standards. I don’t deliberately date men who I think are beneath me. It’s more something that seems to crop up down the line. And it’s not overt, it tends to be pretty subtle.

maybe I’m just not meeting the right men 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree with this. It just reads to me that he really likes you, is a bit embarrassed to be sincere about that so deflects it as jokey banter. Maybe the mood change was because he was sad you were leaving? The walk to the shops thing might have been him wanting to maximise his time with you. I would have been amused, but I can see how it could misfire if you’re prone to taking people seriously and literally.

The lack of balance between who travels where seems a bit strange (my DH and I lived in different cities when we met and alternated the travelling every weekend), but maybe there’s a practical reason. Just have a conversation about it. Or if you’re realising you’re not that into him, then drop him.

Unless he said it was his turn now to visit you, there is no way I would continue this relationship. You are rushing around to see him and he’s making zero effort to travel to see you. Anybody can pay for a nice hotel. It takes time and effort to actually go and visit somebody.

You suggest he visits you next time. I would make a decision on the relationship based on his reaction to that.

I wouldn't even tell him it was his turn to visit. It's far better to judge someone by his actions.

I'm not sure why people think this is banter when he could have said he was sorry and he'd visit next time.

Did he say this over text? Actually sounds like a joke/banter to me.

I doubt this is the first inkling OP has had that this guy is not great. My last relationship I always did the travelling, numerous times a week backwards and forwards. He would lay in bed when I left and one morning it was icy and frosty and he didn’t even offer to help me de-ice, threw me out at 6am and didn’t check I was home ok. Several little irks like that started to grate on me and he was indeed extremely selfish

When I met my husband he did 99% of the travelling. I rarely went to see him as he bought a car just so he could travel to me more quickly and I was a poor student so didn’t have any money to buy a car.
I’ve been out of the dating game for over 20 years but my stance when I was dating was that I’m going to be open and honest and if something bothers me I’ll highlight it.
If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone you need to be 100% true to yourself and not play mind games with each other. All this I’m not texting him as he’s pissed me off business baffles me.
just tell him that what he said annoyed you and if he’s a nice guy that genuinely cares for you he’ll apologise.
All this psycho analysing a partner sounds exhausting to me. The key to a long term relationship is communication. From someone who has been with the same partner for nearly 20 years and we’ve had many ups and downs, the key is communication, respect and compromise. Without that relationships break down 🥴

So having had the chance to reflect, I think it’s more just a feeling that things are starting to feel unbalanced rather than exactly what he said, I think maybe it was intended in a jokey way and landed wrong.

I’m going to see how the weekend goes, but I’m glad I didn’t bring it up as some big intense thing because I think it was just me being overtired and fed up, and a lot of other stuff going on this week.

if it keeps happening and I still feel something is off I will mention it…

Op,
this is the sort of message an ex of mine would have sent. I think actually you may be onto something to be having doubts. I can’t even explain it, but do keep it in the back of your mind that he’s said that and how it’s made you feel.

do see if he will come to you next time or the time after.
Isn’t it a red flag that the man drives but makes you get on a train every time?
my ex was an absolute narcissist, but good at hiding it, so insanely clever and witty that at first you never realised it, but comments such as the text you received is exactly the wry of thing he would say

If you have said you don't like the travelling then it's a red flag that he expects you to do it. I like a train journey, it's guilt-free time to read my book when I can't do any jobs.

He could be limbering up for abuse, only he knows that. Or he likes being at home more than travelling, thinks you're happy with that and said something you didn't find amusing.

You didn't find him funny. If it carries on then he will upset you when he's just playing and you won't like talking to him.

You don't find his humour funny. If that carries on then he will end up walking on eggshells trying not to upset you. If his friends find his humour funny and are similar then they will probably drift from being friends if you end up living together.

It doesn't mean anyone is wrong but perhaps you need to consider if you are good for each other if it continues.

What are you getting from this relationship? Seems like you're doing all the running.....