To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

Nope, I will be the same. I've raised my kids by myself. I will love to take my grandkids out for days out or babysit to give them nights off but I won't be part of a permanent full time arrangement.

Your kids are teenagers and you are already discussing who is going to look after their kids? Talk about planning early!

Why make such big definitive announcements now, you won't have grandkids for 10-15 years likely. My workaholic parents, who have worked 70 hrs a week their whole lives, retired last year, thought they just want to travel etc but now I'm expecting they are DELIGHTED. They want to be involved etc and it's very sweet and in a way a bit unexpected. Just don't say anything you can't take back, that's all. Teenagers are self important anyway, they say shit they don't think through.

Haha yes! As I said, it was totally
Lighthearted and they would all love to live nearby if and when the time comes . Just a bit of fun but my intentions are deadly serious !

Sounds fair enough - good to get everyone's expectations clear now so it's not a shocking surprise when they're expecting you to be there 3 days a week 😂

But it is definitive ! I'm
Pretty sure if I took back my present intentions, they would jump at the idea of free childcare , like most I expect!

I won’t be doing it either. I will of course babysit, help in an emergency, spend time with them but I will not provide regular childcare. I think is an awful thing to put on grandparents. I have seen people literally age overnight looking after grandkids every day. You can always see them in Tesco trying to wrestle a 3 year old into a trolley while pushing a newborn in a pram.
Not a chance of me giving up my retirement to do that every day. No way.

I think my kids would be surprised if I told them that, even though the older pair are early 20s simply because it wouldn't have occurred to them to consider I would or wouldn't. It would be an odd conversation to have because if they leave it another 10-15 years, I have no idea what I will be doing nor what I might like to do.
It would be something I'd have brought up if either they'd asked, with clearly an eye to ttc in the near future, or maybe some point in pregnancy (not greeting the news with that response either).

I've seen that too... men and women in the 60's and 70's absolutely shattered and stressed looking, in shops and playgrounds . Not for me! I've done my time!

Absolutely!!

I think it’s best to state this upfront - well done.

I wouldn't make any announcements that early in the game.
None of us know how long we'll live. We don't know if we might have a stroke or get some other illness or disability that restricts us.
Maybe you'll be pottering round your house, unable to go anywhere, so will be glad to have your future grandkids for company (and getting some care from your DCs, like taking you to the shops!)

My mum always said this. No problem, we arranged childcare.

Then she back tracked and did provide childcare for my brother. Which feels wildly unfair.

Fair play if this is your choice, just make sure you apply it equally.

That certainly is unfair!

I don't think it's unreasonable to lay out expectations now. Far better to have it well early than have them discussing going back to work when the baby is there and having expectations of you that you're not prepared to meet!

FWIW, my DM retired early and made it very clear she wouldn't be looking after my DC for me on a routine basis. She was happy to do 'emergency' childcare (when they couldn't go to nursery/childminders) and she babysat once a month for us so we could go on a date.

I guess I know of so many people who never had this conversation with their kids before their kids had their own children and suddenly the shock of childcare costs and mortgages etc hits them and they're immediately begging their parents to give up their time to mind their kids. I think it's a really important conversation actually... albeit lighthearted when they are only late teens.. Plus, unless the grandparents actively seek out to provide childcare, I think is essentially wrong for them to be asked in the first place .
Everybody knows exactly where they stand and can plan accordingly !

If I told my late teens that I wouldn't be helping them out with future childcare, they would both look at me as though I was mad.

Thoughts of children, let alone how said children will be cared for, are not things that have crossed their minds!

Why did your teens assume this? Did their own grandparents look after them a lot?

I'm on the other side of the conversation and have always said I would never ask or rely on parents for child care.

My mum did two half days last week when my daughter was ill and my pil took my daughter out for the day when I had to work my day off in November. I think this is the only childcare I have asked for. I want the grandparents to get to be grandparents and primary care givers. I am lucky enough to be in the position that child care is affordable but it was important to us to have that separation of roles.

Looks like I’ll be working until I’m 71 I’ll be fucked if I give up work at that age to run around after toddlers

I have made a similar statement. I was a lone parent to five children. Now, if they all reproduce (they are all quite close in age) - how would I choose which child to look after on which day? I could end up juggling between half a dozen or more grandchildren - and that's not going to happen. I've done my time.

Don't mind the odd day out or emergency babysitting, but I am absolute NOT down for a regular rota - I want to get out there and live my life! I'm still working two jobs and when I retire I don't want to be tied by other people's arrangements!

Totally reasonable. My mum does 3 afternoons with our LB but that’s because she loves doing it (we can afford the nursery fees if she didn’t do it. The other GPs are more ad hoc visits and babysitting type stuff. We don’t expect anything from any of them and are very grateful for any help offered. GPs shouldn’t feel obliged or made to feel bad.

I told my teenagers early on. Forearmed is forewarned. They know the lay of the land and will know there is no point asking me for full time childcare when the time comes.

YANBU but you may change your mind!

I chose to have the first one two days a week and now there are two, I have them once a week, sleeping over and doing the school run. At one point I was asked if I would consider doing more and I declined. I didn't ever want it to feel like a chore. They're both at school now but if I want to travel during term time, there is no expectation that I would wait until the school holidays. I used to take a bike and go to the park every week with the eldest and I was amazed at how many grandparents were there. Some were doing it full time and were older and clearly tired.

Just don't moan you hardly see your DGC or they have a better relationship with other Granny, who has them a couple of days a week. Or if your kids decide they might as well be nearer their partners family who'll support them.

It's certainly your choice and 100% up to you, fair play for being up front and honest.

I think my kids just presumed this as they have seen grandparents of friends do all the pick ups, drop offs to schools/ clubs and daily activities down through the years . It's strange though as my own children always had childminders to do that when I was at work so no family childcare.