To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

Nah, I’ll be paying it forward. It would be my pleasure to help them.

but I’ve had plenty of downtime as a parent- childfree holidays, overnight babysitting and lots of help myself with day to day care. I will repay the kindness so my kids will also get a break from the drudge, save some
cash and not feel ground down.

You obviously haven’t so I can see why you want a break.

Its no good telling you when you're pregnant is it? There needs to be a shared understanding well before that so the help or lack of can be factored into the decision making process. You didn't want the help, but clearly in OPs case there was an expectation from her DC she would help, so it would be pretty poor form for her to wait until it was too late to clear things up. As for making herself relevant, she clearly is relevant if her DC were expecting her to care for their children. You can't get more relevant than that, surely?

My DM said the same as you at a similar time. She then threw a tantrum 10 years later when I actually had a baby, returned to work and used a nursery instead of asking her.

I have done emergencies only as still work full time anyway. My kids understood totally

I think there should be room for flexibility. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, and all that. Your children or their future partners might experience bad health unexpectedly, or a financial setback, or a child might become very ill.

I also wonder, OP, if you have solid plans in place for the time when you may start feeling the effects of old age, and needing support pr actual physical help in a few areas of your life. Do you have the finances in place to ensure you can hire people to provide whatever help you'll need?

I guess I have raised my own children with the help of a minder so I'm independent in that regard. My own mother adored my kids and spent good quality fun times with them . A night here and there, days out now and again . It was healthy and they have wonderful memories of her.

Well it doesn't have to be all or nothing. No one should expect GP to give up all their time and have their grandkids everyday but I have my little grandson 2 days a week and I bloody love it . I am happy to help my daughter out and always thought most others felt the same but each to their own. No one is obligated to help out of course and my mother made it clear she was not up.for helping me but she also relented to help my brother out which was galling so I agree with previous poster who said just be careful to apply the rules fairly.

I was too young when I had my children to be retired by the time they have their own children - the youngest will be 40 when I'm 68. Having watched female colleagues run themselves ragged by going part time to help out with childcare, I won't be rushing to offer it myself. I can't think of one man in my organisation as cut his hours to do grandad duties.

My in-laws said they wouldn't help us with childcare when we had children. We didn't ask them to, they just stated they wouldn't. My mum was offering to have baby overnight before he was even born 😂

We never expected help from either. My mum offered and did 2 days a week childcare so I could go back to work part time. My in laws did not want to help at all, no babysitting etc. Absolutely fine, totally their call.

Except I look at the relationships now that my children are teens - they love my parents and will choose to go round there at the weekend etc, they now offer to help with gardening and stuff, will text my mum and dad regularly. They have no relationship whatsoever with my in-laws. That's partly because DH never facilitated one, but I do think that the bond my parents developed with my children when they looked after them has made a huge difference to both sides.

I know which kind of relationship I would rather have if I'm ever a Granny! I'll definitely be offering to help out as much as I am able.

I have planned well for old age, yes.
I do not want to be a burden on any of my childre.
I see my own friends with younger children and aging, unwell parents and they are simply run into the ground. It's horrendous. They really , by their own admittance , have a shit life right now.
My own parents have passed.

I think it’s fine as long as you didn’t rely on your parents for childcare

I totally agree about all or nothing when choosing to do childcare or not to , regarding kids. It's totally wrong and very hurtful.

What a miserable lot!
Im a 60+ grandma. I’ve looked after my grandchildren from their parent returning to work to starting school. I do 1 day a week, and absolutely love it. It’s so different to being a parent, much less stressful, much more fun. We do Tumbletots, swimming, forest school, parks, baking and so on. They sleep over at least once a month. Yes, I’m shattered when Ive had them for the day, but I can relax the next day if I want.
My relationship with them is fantastic - and I really think supporting my children is important. I didn't have children to leave them to it when they hit 18!!

It's fine not to provide childcare if you don't want to. They may have been surprised just because all of this feels a million miles away- they probably aren't thinking about kids at all, never mind the ins and outs of childcare.

I'm the opposite- I'm really looking forward to being a gran (if I get to be one) and hope I get asked to help out. It's totally individual.

Of course they have strong relationships. They're in the thick of it providing childcare, so its natural they'll feel included, valued and wanted. It will be interesting to see what that looks like in the next decade or so though when the once useful grandparent becomes frail and starts to need more than they can offer. Because often you find those strong relationships dwindle to a weekly duty visit, just the same as the people who didn't do childcare get.

You didn't want the help, but clearly in OPs case there was an expectation from her DC she would help, so it would be pretty poor form for her to wait until it was too late to clear things up. As for making herself relevant, she clearly is relevant if her DC were expecting her to care for their children. You can't get more relevant than that, surely?

Lol. You believe OPs teen kids are really thinking about who will have their children whilst they work in years to come. They would be some very strange teens if that was on their radar. 🙄🙃😂

It was my own children who brought it up in conversation ie...' oh I can't wait to have kids and live here ( In this town) and send them to my old school and have you minding them when I'm at work ..'
So it developed from there .

My mum used to say this all the time. It really pissed me off. I wasn't f*cking asking her to mind my hypothetical kids. It seemed like a real power play from her like I was putting her out and asking her a massive favour when.... Newsflash ... I didn't have any kids to foist on her

Fine, don't mind your hypothetical unborn grandkids. At least wait until your teenagers start a conversation about it, if you can't wait until they're actually pregnant

I totally agree, you don't stop being their parent when they're 18 and really when you become a parent you are committing for life including helping out if possible if they choose to have a family.

Your approach and attitude will pay dividends for your relationship with your children and your grandkids. And even 1 day a week will be making the difference financially.

All of the people saying they'll be busy enjoying retirement - can't you enjoy that 5 or 6 days a week and still help out with childcare and build a relationship with your grandchildren?

I think they were thinking in terms of the lovely relationship their kids would have with Grannyon a day to day rather than financial reasoning.
Regardless, we've had the conversation now !

I think it's an important conversation to have and a conversation that needs to happen often in families that are providing childcare. I've seen it myself at our church playgroup, grandparents in their late 60s and early 70s struggling with a toddler.

I've spoken to many grandparents who are absolutely counting down the hours until their 2 1/2 year old DGC goes to school. The problem many of them face is that they offered and started the childcare when their DGC was 9-12 months old. They napped in the day (sometimes 2x a day, they were wobbly walking and generally happy to potter about at home with a few toys and bits out of the cupboard. 18months to 2 years toddlers become harder work, they are quick on their feet, not so happy about going in a pushchair or trolley and usually down to 1 nap a day. This is where a few grandparents start to struggle. Wrestling a toddler into a pram or pushchair is hard work, they are usually completely full on until they collapse for their nap. Then get up and raring to go again.

Then 2-3 is a completely different beast. Especially when they drop their nap so are unreasonable and hard work for hours until bedtime. Or there are the child's parents who have told granny no more naps because they need the child to go to bed at 7, and if they nap it will be 10 o clock before their DC goes to bed so the parents don't get any down time. Then grandma and grandad are completely on the go and there is no downtime for them. This is the hardest for elderly grandparents, the up down and on the go all day. The into everything, the struggle to entertain a toddler all day for often close to 9 or 10 hours a day. Toddlers don't care about the weather, they want to go out in the rain in winter and splash - granny is not such a fan. The temper tantrums. They want to walk and run everywhere not potter along at granny's pace. Some grandparents are really not fast enough to catch a toddler running at full throttle, we've had some near misses in the car park.

Many of the grandparents I've spoken to really struggle at 2-3 and many are desperate to change the arrangements but don't feel able to as childcare is so expensive and some settings are wary of 2 years old and never been in child care. They are also thinking it's only 8/10/12 more months and then they are free only for their DC to have another. One grandma I know very well is on her 7th grandchild and is absolutely on her knees. She's done it for all her grandchildren and feels like she can't say no as her DC will call favourites but she's 73 and knackered. She suggested only doing 2 days a week ( she currently does 5 days a week 7-7) and it did not go down well at all and she said ruined xmas. Her DIL is pregnant again so she knows she's got GC number 8 from next year.

@KnittingKnewbie You probably need to read the thread..

This update arrived as I was typing

@5128gap you might be right. As a society we're letting older generations down too.

I can only speak for my partner and I - as adults we make way more effort with the grandparents and aunties / uncles who made effort with us as children. But I'm sure that's not always the case.

I cross posted with OP as she clarified this point