Page 2 | To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

TeenDivided · 05/02/2024 15:15

I still have a teen at home, but other DD is 24 and married.
I will not go straight from children to regularly minding a GC.
DH and I want to be able to have term time holidays etc for a few years.

Mothership4two · 05/02/2024 15:17

MIL did same with her daughter @Marmite27 but was very forthright about not doing any regular childminding for her three sons. It did get their backs up.

If I'd talked about childminding to both my DS when they were teenagers they would have looked at me as if I had two heads! And probably said "what are you going on about Mum?!"

Icantbedoingwithit · 05/02/2024 15:17

Outthedoor24 · 05/02/2024 15:13

Just don't moan you hardly see your DGC or they have a better relationship with other Granny, who has them a couple of days a week. Or if your kids decide they might as well be nearer their partners family who'll support them.

It's certainly your choice and 100% up to you, fair play for being up front and honest.

I will see them… a lot but I won’t be providing childcare all day every day. Absolutely horrible thing to do to your parents. My sister in laws sends her 3 small kids to her parents 7-7 every day. Lousy thing to do.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/02/2024 15:17

Plus I remember my parents, who undertook a couple of days a week for my brother's first child. Brother and his wife promptly popped out another five children and my parents ended up doing school runs/gym Joey/park/etc for all those children for a LOT of years.

They pretended they enjoyed it, but my mum used to moan to me about how tiring it all was and how regimented their lives had to be to care for the grandchildren.

TeenyTinyWiney · 05/02/2024 15:18

I've had no help from grandparents (one is dead and another is overseas, so not their fault)! It's been fine and I see it as my own responsibility. Never thought of it as something grandparents had to do.

So yanbu.

That said, I think I'd be glad to help my dcs with their dcs if they ever have them. I like kids though (I know a lot of people don't - even when they're parents themselves)

Blixem · 05/02/2024 15:18

My DSis had her first DD young and was a single mum and as such my parents did a lot of childcare for her whilst also working.
They told all the DC after this that they would not be providing childcare regularly.
I totally respect this, they have done their child rearing and want to enjoy retirement. They do help out, they will happily babysit and they have had my DD and other grandkids when they have been off school/nursey sick, they also offer to help out with childcare in the school holidays. They just don't want to be tied down to a regular commitment.

Original poster

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:18

It wouldn't be my style to moan if they moved nearer to the other grandparent (s)
I look forward to relationships with grandchildren and doing fun and enjoyable activities, health dependant etc , but not as a childminder who has spent her life revolving everything around her own kids, single-handedly.
I would be miserable as I'd find it too tiring, stressful and too much responsibility

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2024 15:19

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 14:58

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

Doesn't matter.

It's your life to live.

Enjoy it

LadyDowntown · 05/02/2024 15:20

At the moment you are tired by it all. When the time actually arrives you might want to. Or have to - would you really let your DC and grandchildren struggle if you can help out?

MoreRainClouds · 05/02/2024 15:20

They’re teenagers. I think it’s weird to have this conversation. It seems a bit attention seeking, they’re highly unlikely to be thinking about kids yet and you’re trying to make yourself relevant. Weird.

My own parents told me this when I was pregnant with our first. I’m not sure why, I never asked and they would be the last people in the world I’d have ever left my child with.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 05/02/2024 15:20

We don't know if we might have a stroke or get some other illness or disability that restricts us.
Maybe you'll be pottering round your house, unable to go anywhere, so will be glad to have your future grandkids for company

If someone's health is so poor they're 'unable to go anywhere', they'll hardly be up to providing childcare for grandchildren!

TeenDivided · 05/02/2024 15:21

LadyDowntown · 05/02/2024 15:20

At the moment you are tired by it all. When the time actually arrives you might want to. Or have to - would you really let your DC and grandchildren struggle if you can help out?

I would currently rather pay for nursery than be committed on a regular basis.

LosGibertyisacelebration · 05/02/2024 15:23

I had the same statement from my DH's mum. While I was pregnant with our first and in a general conversation with a few family members she said "don't expect any childcare from me, I want to enjoy my retirement" awesome MIL, very happy for her, no expectation of help at all from us at any time, we are of the mindset that help would be lovely and appreciated if offered but we muddled through ourselves and set our work times so that we needed minimal childcare. It meant we were like ships in the night for a good amount of the early years but proud we managed. It did sting a bit when 5 years later DH's younger brother (and most definitely favourite child) welcomed their only child and she rallied around like their personal butler. She was round there most days cooking and cleaning for them, babysat around 3-4 days a week from birth and had the baby overnight twice a week from around 6 weeks old. It hurt a bit because by that point we had had 3 in 5 years and she didn't even visit us more than every couple of months. We had no expectations of help with anything but the glaring difference between how she's treated her two children and 4 grandchildren have left a bitter taste and it's hard to come back from that. Even now she will happily drop our children without a second thought for how it feels for us all. If you're going to not help with grandchildren that is absolutely your prerogative and choice but for the love of god do it fairly!

DeliverMeCoffee · 05/02/2024 15:23

My mum said the opposite when we were teens. She would love to have them, loved kids, bring them over all the time.

Then dropped dead at 56 before they were born.

Original poster

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:23

No I would never let them struggle. I would certainly help out in f one was unwell, hospital stay etc but I think it's an important conversation to have. For example if one of my children were to have five kids, it's important to know , for them, that with that decision may come massive childcare costs and the need to plan for that themselves . I see my role as a grandparent not a minder.

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Tiddlywinks63 · 05/02/2024 15:25

Marmite27 · 05/02/2024 15:09

My mum always said this. No problem, we arranged childcare.

Then she back tracked and did provide childcare for my brother. Which feels wildly unfair.

Fair play if this is your choice, just make sure you apply it equally.

My mother did this, looking after both of my sisters’ children yet refusing to occasionally have mine.
Mil never had them either. It was very hard at times, especially if I was unwell.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/02/2024 15:26

I won’t be either - obviously will help out as and when I can but no regular commitments.

Ive totally exhausted myself working full time and bringing up my children as a single parent, living no where near my parents. My bigger concern is that I won’t make it to grandkids tbh!

I’m 45. My dad retired at 49. With a great pension etc. Had nothing from his parents and they had enough for my Mum to be a SAHM, and to have never worked a salaried or anything other than very much hobby job since she was 12 weeks pregnant with me. And for her to study a BA and MA paid for from his salary. Neither of them had to provide elder care for their parents, more than the very occasional visit to the last GP standing, and live nowhere near me who has the only grandchildren of theirs.

My dad got home every day to basically not lift another finger til he went to bed, as that was their agreed division of labour (just for balance as the above sounds like I’m criticising my Mum - I’m not I’m talking about their overall lifestyle - he didn’t have to stress about home and children, she didn’t have to think about money)

Their quality of life was so much better than mine merely due to their generation. Their life life now is so much better than my retirement is likely to be as it probably won’t start til I’m 68!

Daphnis156 · 05/02/2024 15:26

Reading some contributions here, don't change your mind.
There are few things more tedious and brain loss inducing than looking after children which are not yours.

Original poster

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:27

@MoreRainClouds Your tone seems angry !
This was a lighthearted conversation we had over dinner but for me, it was no harm to set the seed so expectations are managed for the future.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/02/2024 15:27

I won’t be either - obviously will help out as and when I can but no regular commitments.

Ive totally exhausted myself working full time and bringing up my children as a single parent, living no where near my parents. My bigger concern is that I won’t make it to grandkids tbh!

I’m 45. My dad retired at 49. With a great pension etc. Had nothing from his parents and they had enough for my Mum to be a SAHM, and to have never worked a salaried or anything other than very much hobby job since she was 12 weeks pregnant with me. And for her to study a BA and MA paid for from his salary. Neither of them had to provide elder care for their parents, more than the very occasional visit to the last GP standing, and live nowhere near me who has the only grandchildren of theirs.

My dad got home every day to basically not lift another finger til he went to bed, as that was their agreed division of labour (just for balance as the above sounds like I’m criticising my Mum - I’m not I’m talking about their overall lifestyle - he didn’t have to stress about home and children, she didn’t have to think about money)

Their quality of life was so much better than mine merely due to their generation. Their life life now is so much better than my retirement is likely to be as it probably won’t start til I’m 68!

5128gap · 05/02/2024 15:28

I think you're very sensible to have made this clear so early OP. It never ceases to amaze me the people on here who have children and are then terribly disappointed and resentful at not getting the GP childcare they assumed would be forthcoming. It's such a huge thing I always think...did you not check? You have made sure your DC know what to expect well ahead of the game and they can make their decisions accordingly. If you do change your mind you'll just have under promised and over delivered and that's better than the other way round.

Original poster

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:28

@LosGibertyisacelebration That was a really shitty thing for her to do .

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plinkypink · 05/02/2024 15:31

This generation are going to have it hard when it comes to the job market, housing market, raising a family generally needing two people at work and juggling the cost of childcare. It stings to then be denied help to be honest.

I think it's sad when grandparents are capable of helping and don't. Throughout human history generations of family have come together to raise children. It benefits everyone. We've gone really wrong somewhere and leave young mums in particular isolated and struggling.

I have young children at the moment and being totally honest with you all the parents in the circles I'm in who have been denied help from grandparents resent it and don't make as much effort in return - it does affect your relationship whether you're children admit that to you or not. The ones with really strong relationships with their grandparents are the ones where the grandparents have provided childcare. You say you'll still do xyz but maybe your children won't be happy for you to pick and choose like that.

Onthegrid · 05/02/2024 15:32

My mum said exactly the same to me, although probably not until I was married or at least in my 20s, she was a brilliant grandmother (and still is) would always help out if needed and in the holidays but was always quite clear that she didn't want to be the default or regular option. It was a good decision as DSis and I had 4 within 5 years and she would have wanted to do the same for both of us.

MIL worked when DC were small and made it clear that as and when her sons had DC then she was weekend fun granny only, but that if her DD had any DC then she was giving up work immediately to look after them! As it happens by the time SIL had her DC MIL had retired, she did keep her promise.

My DC are in their 20s now and I haven't had the conversation, however as I work full time and none of them live less than 2 hours from me, I doubt they are expecting help.

twoshedsjackson · 05/02/2024 15:33

My friend is one of four sisters. Their lovely DM made this statement when the eldest got engaged, just making expectations clear well in advance, and has been as good as her word. She is engaged and generous, and happy to babysit, but does not have the day-to-day duty, As they all went on to have their own families, she could have ended up running a fair-sized creche!
As PP's have pointed out, it can also cause ill-feeling if one sibling's offspring get more full-time care than the others, and there comes a time when stamina and spirits are not the same.