To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

[itspurplestripes]

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I'll be 60 when my youngest is 18 and the eldest will be 27, so at that stage I'll feel too old to do more than a bit of occasional babysitting or days out. But I'm always surprised by families where the expectation is there to do more than that. My mother is dead and my father is very old, but even if they weren't, I would never expect them to do unpaid childcare for me. My attitude is that if parents brought kids into the world, then it's completely on them to raise them, including financially. I find it surprising when adults expect their parents to mind their children for free. Regular childcare is exhausting. I will not be expecting to do it when I'm over 60! I don't expect my children to look after me when I'm old either. If I have to go to a home or whatever, that's fine. I would much prefer them to just live their own lives.

I agree with you, OP. I have single-parented for 15 years, it’ll be 19 years before the youngest leaves (assuming he leaves at 18). When my retirement arrives, I will be doing everything I can to enjoy it. I have sacrificed so much (ex has lived his life as suits him, no one else) that I believe I deserve some me time. I do hope they don’t resent me. I really hope they will support me in my old age through visits and time with grandkids and family time. I also hope they will be there when it gets tough, as it inevitably will. I don’t think they owe me, or I owe them, or that it’s some kind of tit for tat game families somehow play. I just think families look after their own as far as they can and if they can’t, they arrange care and care homes and visit and take an interest. It is what we did for my mum and what I believe they will do for me.

My mum didn't have this conversation with me until I was actually pregnant. I hadn't even occurred to me anyway as she was working full time herself. She also said she wouldn't commit to any regular babysitting.
She was a single parent until I was in my mid teens, and I've been a single parent since my sons were born.
However, I am slightly irked by the fact that her parents helped by looking after me while she worked part time on a night shift. And my other grandparents had me every weekend Friday night until Sunday evening, and took me on holidays, so she also had a decent break.
My grandparents were younger than my mum is now, so both grandfathers worked full time, one nan was part time, and the other was disabled, but was still able to support my mum.
I guess the difference is that they wanted to do it, but my mum doesn't. And that's entirely her prerogative.

I had a similar conversation with my DS when he was a little older than yours. I will help of course and I will have time with any DGC I hope to have but I'm not childcare (if I'm able to do so I'll pick them up from school for tea and maybe cover some of the holidays, do sleepovers, days out) but I will not be raising them.

My DF was incredible and really helped me but I didn't completely rely on it. He loved picking him up to spend time with him. My DF retired quite young so he said he had the time and energy.

Ive raised my DS solely by myself and I'll be working forever at this rate anyway.

I would happily take the risk of being lonely in old age over martyrdom and sacrificing my hard earned retirement doing childcare for the grandchildren.

some people really are only happy if women are sacrificing themselves for the benefit of others aren’t they?!

Why do you presume they will have children? Many young people are deciding against it.

@Fluorescentgem at that stage I'll feel too old to do more than a bit of occasional babysitting or days out.

How can you know this? Lots of people in their 60s are still active and capable. Don't write yourself off before you even get there. Now, if you just don't want to, that's fair enough.

This is a really interesting thread to read as a childfree person/slight fence sitter. It sounds like most of you didn't really enjoy raising children.

Sorry but that's a ridiculous statement to make.

Just because I don't want to raise babies and toddlers all over again in my 60s having worked all my life, does not mean I didn't enjoy raising my children.

And to your other point, just because I am active in my 60s, does not make me prime candidate to raise children all over again.

A lot of us here were single parents. When you've single handedly raised kids with no input from the other parent and quite often without family help, yes, you can see how hard it is but I think you think "well, if I could do it, anyone can." It also can mean that we've had less time to spend on ourselves during our child raising years and want to have a bit of time doing what WE want, without having to be too tied to school holidays/pick up time etc.

Doesn't mean we will cast our children off with no help whatsoever, just that we think we deserve a little bit of TLC for ourselves rather than being on call 24/7 as some seem to be.

All of us? That's a bit of a generalisation. We won't be expecting or wanting any free childcare.

@kintra That's the point though, grandparents have already raised their children and been through that stage in life. They may have loved it, but they also may not want to do it again.

I'd like to be somewhat involved if I become a GP, but I’m not sure how much. I’m nearly 50 with teenagers and there’s a lot that I want to achieve in the next 30 years that’s not child-centered. Even though I love being a Mum, it was the right life choice for me.

I've told my children I want to be a proper grandparents- ie taking them for occasional weekends/school hols to do fun things like baking, trips to park. I'm also happy to see them with their parents. I'm not willing to offer regular childcare. I've been a single parent to four children and I work in a nursery. I'm done with caring for children. It's also possible I will change my mind once grandchildren arrive!

Tbh the only women.. and i stress women .. that I know who provide childcare to their grandkids like this .. wear this as a type of badge of honour . That they think they are superior or some such nonsense. There's definitely an air of martyrdom that they love. A sort of validation. They look fucked . They can't run 5 m after their grandkids but still
Wear that badge as if it gives them some sort of honour .
In my view it's really not . It's martyrdom through fear of saying no. A generational expectation and I'm fucked if I subscribe to that. I think they know it's abuse of inter generational family relationships but for their own self esteem, do this despite slowly dying through pure exhaustion and a fear of not fulfilling a generational expectation despite working or slaving all of their lives . More fool them I say. Martyrs .

You have had your kids, you've done your bit. To commit to being a part of weekly childcare is not a good thing in my experience, not directly but with our Mum agreeeing to have my nephew twice a week, it caused an awful atmosphere in the family for 18 months. My Mum didn't think of how her very many appointments would affect the agreed days, so caused a big rift, and oh, the calls I had from them both just had me at my wits end as it was relentless. So, I'm with you OP, keep it to days out on your terms unless there's an emergency and you can help, but definitely don't agree to be part of the childcare regime. And how fantastic you are able to retire quite young and will be able to enjoy all the trappings of working hard over the years!

This is an interesting thread. I’m rather struck by the difference in responses to another thread a few weeks ago - an OP had had a baby and her MIL (who was a difficult person) had stopped taking her medication to get the OP’s husband to look after her. She was 64 and a bunch of people on that thread said that, of course, she was elderly and would have to go into a care home.

On this thread, people are talking about people (women) in their 70s having sole care of toddlers.

I know that there are older people who climb mountains and run marathons. But most don’t. My Mum was quite disabled in her mid 60s as she was waiting for a double hip replacement. By the time it came, it took her 15 minutes to walk from one end of her house to the other. No way could she safely look after a small child. Then, a couple of years later, she was carer for my Dad. When he died, she got cancer (cured now). Relying on grandparents to do childcare risks that their circumstances change suddenly.

Someone upthread said that it would cause resentment if people had to “family plan” to suit Granny. In fairness I know quite a few people with 4+ age gaps because they couldn’t afford nursery for more than one child. It’s fairly common to family plan so your life isn’t impossible.

I'd say raising your kids is an obligation - it's not like you have a choice. Offering childcare to grandchildren or minding parents in older age is a choice so I can see how they might be thought of as a trade.

@teeneedanser I'd agree with that.

They are also things that are likely to happen soon after each other and have a financial impact on the person in the middle.

If they've struggled with the financial impact of having to pay for childcare, to keep their job, and career without help.

The aim is so they can earn decent money once kids are beyond the childcare stage.

That is also when women should be making sure they save for retirement and their own future.

Giving that up to care for an elder parent then becomes an even bigger ask. And caring for parents often is a slow drip of a process, it starts with occasional things like changing curtains, fixing things.

I would say most people wouldn't expect grandparents to be part of regular childcare these days, purely because with retirement age ever increasing most grandparents are still working full time! So its not even a discussion point. My children will be teenagers before my mum retires, so way past the childcare years.

She does see them very regularly though and has been amazing in babysitting whenever we need/want, and the relationship they have because of this is lovely to see.

You have it hard as a single parent, you enjoy your latter years ,you and your children make choices re having children .I love having my grandkids but that's my choice x

Wow! While I can see that not all grandmas want to look after their grandchildren, and some physically/mentally can’t… I think OP you are being horrible … to describe those who do so nastily is vile!
you do you but don’t be so vile about others who enjoy looking after their grandchildren.
There is absolutely nothing lighthearted about your last update, just pure nastiness!

Yikes - showing your true colours here I think 😬🤢

@TeenyTinyWiney

what do you mean?

op doesn’t want to be a martyr….and you think that’s…a bad thing?! Are you a misogynist?

The nasty judgement of other women is a bad thing. Obviously, but you knew that

Wow! I initially agreed with your original point - different strokes for different folks and all that. However, this comment is incredibly offensive. It reads to me as a projection of your guilt at not wanting to provide childcare. And - I stress - you are absolutely right in not wanting to provide childcare if that is not for you. But this comment is utterly vitriolic, and offensive towards those grandparents that do want to provide childcare, and who more often than not take pleasure in it.