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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

605 replies

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 14:58

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

OP posts:
Weftaway768 · 05/02/2024 16:32

It’s not fashionable to say it but I think this is one of the costs of women of child bearing age going out to work; that older women (largely women) pick up the slack. It has always been the case in many countries of course but not so much in recent times in uk until the past decade or so. Not saying there aren’t huge benefits too but in my parents generation, gps were allowed to rest sometimes and enjoy their retirement. Many of them were too old to do childcare too having started their families later.

Don’t want to sound unremittingly negative but all of you young mothers who are outraged by gps seeming reluctance and churlishness, please wait a few years until you comment. And once you are in your sixties see how you cope with physical ailments, fatigue, insomnia, a ft job, adult children living at home well in to their late twenties and then regular childcare on top of that. I’m not there yet but according to some of my friends, it’s far from easy.

2024theplot · 05/02/2024 16:33

ItsBeanJuice · 05/02/2024 16:15

I think this is unfair, lots of people unconsciously believe their parents will take care of their offspring and feel upset when they don't/don't do enough as they imagined. There are always mumsnet threads about this!

Not teenagers though.

If my teens were thinking about kids, future childcare plans and assumed I’d be the childcare, I would think I’d gone very wrong somewhere with my parenting. For them to even be thinking about kids at that age and be so entitled to assume and make plans for me, yes, parenting fail imo.

We were actively told to consider childcare during sex ed in school, it was part of considering the risks and impacts of unprotected sex. I went home and asked my mum if she would do childcare if I got pregnant, she said she wouldn't and why on earth was I asking?! I explained I was just musing on something we had discussed in sex ed.
I don't think my mum failed as a parent.

kintra · 05/02/2024 16:34

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:24

Wanting to come back to their hometown after Uni and perhaps travel, to settle down and raise a family speaks volumes about the childhood and relationship they have with their families, community and friends , I would have thought?
It's the teens that cannot get far enough away from their parents and offer a perfunctionary annual visit at Christmas time thereafter, that tells everything .

I'd say it just shows lack of exposure to other things. If that's what they end up doing as adults, fine, but as teenagers you'd expect bigger dreams. That's all I'm saying. It's also possible that they haven't got the life experience to imagine being ten/twenty years older (and you being ten/twenty years older) and that's why they just see you in a parental/caring role

Queenmaker · 05/02/2024 16:34

We definitely have all sorts of discussions with our teens and young adults. One I had frequently with both my son and dds was being aware of careers that combine well with having a family if that is something they think they want in the future. I have just known friends who painted themselves into a corner with a career that was incompatible with having any kind of flexibility once kids came along. People can still have kids in these situations of course, but the stress level can be a lot worse.

All we wanted to do was have them think about these kinds of issues when thinking about the future.

HrtIsItWorking · 05/02/2024 16:35

@itspurplestripes I've had the same convo with my tweens, partly to put them off getting pregnant at school 😂
When I had mine, was with ex and mil and DM both wanted baby phase time, no problem, when DC hit 1, each GP got one day (one didn't want more and the other did, so said it was fair to both have same time) but was always stated that neither of them had to do it and were happy to put DC in nursery as much as needed and could have afforded to do so.

PegasusReturns · 05/02/2024 16:39

Absolutely agree OP.

I have 4 DC, the elder two of whom are in uni and we have these sorts of very casual conversations frequently. About childcare, funding second degrees, provision of deposits for houses. It’s important they all have a good idea of where they stand.

I have done my child rearing. I didn’t love the toddler years with the elder two I it was a slog in my 20s (I had a lot of paid help once the elder came along which made things immensely easier) but I worked hard in the home and then outside of it to give them the best possible opportunities. I’ll enjoy my time off when it arrives thank you!

although it’s possibly moot, if my DC have their own DC at the age I did then I’ll still be working in a full on job.

HrtIsItWorking · 05/02/2024 16:39

Weftaway768 · 05/02/2024 16:32

It’s not fashionable to say it but I think this is one of the costs of women of child bearing age going out to work; that older women (largely women) pick up the slack. It has always been the case in many countries of course but not so much in recent times in uk until the past decade or so. Not saying there aren’t huge benefits too but in my parents generation, gps were allowed to rest sometimes and enjoy their retirement. Many of them were too old to do childcare too having started their families later.

Don’t want to sound unremittingly negative but all of you young mothers who are outraged by gps seeming reluctance and churlishness, please wait a few years until you comment. And once you are in your sixties see how you cope with physical ailments, fatigue, insomnia, a ft job, adult children living at home well in to their late twenties and then regular childcare on top of that. I’m not there yet but according to some of my friends, it’s far from easy.

Edited

Could also be related to women now having to work 7/8 years longer than their parents to get state pension, so not available, or just knackered for when DC have dgc

CutsOffs · 05/02/2024 16:40

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to provide regular childcare to GC, but this conversation and your kids reaction to it seem really odd.

My kids would think I’d lost the plot if I started discussing future plans for kids at their ages, teenagers.

I also agree that your kids sound entitled to think you would do it.

Caffeineislife · 05/02/2024 16:42

That particular is a really trooper. She does so well and it really does sound Hell on Earth for her. Her DGS is a little ball of energy too. Although there are some other grandparents doing only 2 or 3 days who feel the same. One running theme I've garnered from chatting to them all every week is the early starts and length of the day, especially after the nap has been dropped. Many of them are happy to have the GC but find the early starts and long hours exhausting. I do think preschool has it's place for grandparents, even just mornings and they collect in the afternoon would make a huge difference to some of them. It's so hard as nowadays you need 2 working parents to live.

Weftaway768 · 05/02/2024 16:44

HrtIsItWorking · 05/02/2024 16:39

Could also be related to women now having to work 7/8 years longer than their parents to get state pension, so not available, or just knackered for when DC have dgc

Show quote history

Yeah, that too!

firethene · 05/02/2024 16:46

The poster who made the comment about the grandparents usually agree to mind the child when the child is 9-12 months and then being stuck with a very fast and energetic 2-3 year old is spot on!

Babies get WAY harder before getting easier again, and the grandparent is only getting older.

This is about to happen in my family - step-brother asked his mum (my step mum) before they had a baby whether she'd babysit. He said they wouldn't be able to have a child otherwise. So they've agreed a 3 day a week arrangement. Will probably be fine until rhe baby turns into a strong toddler!

Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:47

@CutsOffs We just have different parenting styles , which is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:47

@firethene What awful pressure to put on that lady. So bloody selfish .

OP posts:
ShoePalaver · 05/02/2024 16:50

My mum said this when we were teenagers. Fast forward 20 years and she's desperate to help with the grandchildren. Unfortunately we all planned our lives on the assumption of no help so the opportunity isn't there.

You may feel differently after a long break

Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:51

I'm sure I won't @ShoePalaver !

OP posts:
Starblind19 · 05/02/2024 16:52

I hope all those saying they won't be helping never had any help. These are your children and grandchildren. How selfish can you get. It is your life. Just don't expect anyone to be helping you later on in life. I for one will be doing everything to allow my children and grandchildren to thrive in life because I don't want my child stressing about how to pay the childcare bill and I don't want my grand babies looked after by strangers. Heaven forbid you help your children too much fun to be had in your retirement I guess. Hope you don't get lonely.

firethene · 05/02/2024 16:53

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:47

@firethene What awful pressure to put on that lady. So bloody selfish .

I agree, but I secretly wondered whether I was being wilfully mean and unreasonable in my opinion. I find it very entitled. It'll involve my dad too, he wasn't even consulted.

This will all start happening in 7 months when he goes back to work.

My dad still works full time and will need to work from home a lot - how is that going to work!

firethene · 05/02/2024 16:54

Starblind19 · 05/02/2024 16:52

I hope all those saying they won't be helping never had any help. These are your children and grandchildren. How selfish can you get. It is your life. Just don't expect anyone to be helping you later on in life. I for one will be doing everything to allow my children and grandchildren to thrive in life because I don't want my child stressing about how to pay the childcare bill and I don't want my grand babies looked after by strangers. Heaven forbid you help your children too much fun to be had in your retirement I guess. Hope you don't get lonely.

We'll be offering a lot of help to our children, just probably not physical childcare.

Definitely over twice a week - that way madness and resentment lies

MagpiePi · 05/02/2024 16:55

I had the opposite with ex PILs fully expecting to look after my kids virtually full time.
An older GC (ex DH’s nephew) was dropped off in his pyjamas before school and not collected until after tea. He often spent Saturday nights there and always had Sunday day there and nearly every day in school holidays. The GPs idea of childcare was feeding with crisps/pop/biscuits in front of the TV and being very negative to the GC. You could tell they actually really resented having him there from their attitude to him. The ILs also looked after their dog every day.

Ricewinevinegar · 05/02/2024 16:56

My in-laws did this to my DH and I was pretty offended. We would never have asked them to do it in the first place. They made a massive assumption and by jumping the gun in that way, made me think that they didn't have a very high opinion of us. I wanted to tell them Fat Chance!!

HrtIsItWorking · 05/02/2024 16:57

@ShoePalaver given I probably won't be retiring until I'm 68 and my DC will be around 30 at that point, I'm not sure I will...if they left it a decade then I would be pushing 80 and definitely don't think anyone would want me looking after them at that age!

firethene · 05/02/2024 16:58

Ricewinevinegar · 05/02/2024 16:56

My in-laws did this to my DH and I was pretty offended. We would never have asked them to do it in the first place. They made a massive assumption and by jumping the gun in that way, made me think that they didn't have a very high opinion of us. I wanted to tell them Fat Chance!!

Do you think a mate of theirs spooked them and they panicked and blurted it out to you?

Similar happened from my in-laws, purely because her best friend minds 3/4 days a week and my mil was panicking after seeing what a shitshow it is

CutsOffs · 05/02/2024 16:59

@CutsOffs We just have different parenting styles , which is ok.

I wouldn’t think it was ok if I had produced entitled children, with no thought for their mum maybe wanting to do her own thing in future years.

User38765 · 05/02/2024 17:01

Maybe they'll turn round and say they have no intention of ever helping you out when you're elderly and if you need a bit of support lol.

Outthedoor24 · 05/02/2024 17:02

Icantbedoingwithit · 05/02/2024 15:17

I will see them… a lot but I won’t be providing childcare all day every day. Absolutely horrible thing to do to your parents. My sister in laws sends her 3 small kids to her parents 7-7 every day. Lousy thing to do.

Show quote history

When thought?

If parents are working mid-week. Kids are with other Granny or childcare.
Weekends are busy, kids activities, general stuff that needs done.
Not a lot of spare time for visiting.