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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my late teens that I won't be contributing

605 replies

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 14:58

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

OP posts:
Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:54

@Caffeineislife You have just described my idea of absolute hell on earth and your post has made me more sure that I am not being unreasonable, whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:54

@KnittingKnewbie no worries.

OP posts:
plinkypink · 05/02/2024 15:56

Caffeineislife · 05/02/2024 15:50

I think it's an important conversation to have and a conversation that needs to happen often in families that are providing childcare. I've seen it myself at our church playgroup, grandparents in their late 60s and early 70s struggling with a toddler.

I've spoken to many grandparents who are absolutely counting down the hours until their 2 1/2 year old DGC goes to school. The problem many of them face is that they offered and started the childcare when their DGC was 9-12 months old. They napped in the day (sometimes 2x a day, they were wobbly walking and generally happy to potter about at home with a few toys and bits out of the cupboard. 18months to 2 years toddlers become harder work, they are quick on their feet, not so happy about going in a pushchair or trolley and usually down to 1 nap a day. This is where a few grandparents start to struggle. Wrestling a toddler into a pram or pushchair is hard work, they are usually completely full on until they collapse for their nap. Then get up and raring to go again.

Then 2-3 is a completely different beast. Especially when they drop their nap so are unreasonable and hard work for hours until bedtime. Or there are the child's parents who have told granny no more naps because they need the child to go to bed at 7, and if they nap it will be 10 o clock before their DC goes to bed so the parents don't get any down time. Then grandma and grandad are completely on the go and there is no downtime for them. This is the hardest for elderly grandparents, the up down and on the go all day. The into everything, the struggle to entertain a toddler all day for often close to 9 or 10 hours a day. Toddlers don't care about the weather, they want to go out in the rain in winter and splash - granny is not such a fan. The temper tantrums. They want to walk and run everywhere not potter along at granny's pace. Some grandparents are really not fast enough to catch a toddler running at full throttle, we've had some near misses in the car park.

Many of the grandparents I've spoken to really struggle at 2-3 and many are desperate to change the arrangements but don't feel able to as childcare is so expensive and some settings are wary of 2 years old and never been in child care. They are also thinking it's only 8/10/12 more months and then they are free only for their DC to have another. One grandma I know very well is on her 7th grandchild and is absolutely on her knees. She's done it for all her grandchildren and feels like she can't say no as her DC will call favourites but she's 73 and knackered. She suggested only doing 2 days a week ( she currently does 5 days a week 7-7) and it did not go down well at all and she said ruined xmas. Her DIL is pregnant again so she knows she's got GC number 8 from next year.

Despite my previous posts I will say 7-7 5 days a week is ridiculous to put on grandparents. The people I know with help usually do 2 or at most 3 days a week.

Pickles2023 · 05/02/2024 15:56

I don't expect it from my parents. I feel it's cheeky, they are not in the greatest health, very stressed and my LO isn't particularly easy 🤣 they've done their time 😂😂 now its quality fun with grandchildren.

I wouldn't want to do regular childcare either in my 60's id rather live life, travel and start ticking off my bucket list being wild while i can 😅

Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:59

@plinkypink If I would like to help out and if my children would like the help now and again , if I am home and free( bar an emergency) of course I will do that, but not a regular, scheduled timetable of childcare, no.

OP posts:
SilverDrawer · 05/02/2024 15:59

YANBU! I’ve also made this very clear. Once they’re off my caring duties are done.

FUPAgirl · 05/02/2024 16:00

Your OP was strange and especially your comments about it being a 'fun' conversation. But now after a few replies you're saying the DC actually brought it up - shame you didn't explain that in your OP! In that case, of course YANBU and I'm confused as to why you would even query it. Of course you aren't obliged to provide childcare.

Northernparent68 · 05/02/2024 16:01

And what will you expect of your children when you’re old ?

crazycrofter · 05/02/2024 16:01

Well I actually had a conversation with dd(19) the other day about children; she's having some issues with her mental health and has had some realisations about what she struggles with. She said she was going to wait until at least 30 before having children so that she's properly ready and hopefully better able to cope. I encouraged her to think about not living too far away from us, so that we can support when the time comes (although I didn't say what type of support - regular childcare or ad-hoc babysitting). I think the sooner you start thinking about these things the better to be honest. We had kids when we couldn't really afford the maternity leave and I feel if we'd left it a couple of years more and actually thought ahead/planned we'd have been in a better position. No one ever really sat down with me and talked about the cost of running a household (mortgage, bills etc) let alone the costs associated with having a baby. I've had lots of chats with my two about what it costs and what I spend monthly. I've probably rubbed it in too much, as dd was worried about training as an OT the other day and wondering if she needs a higher paying job.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 16:02

I am in a very privileged position that my DM looks after my DD2 during the day (she’s at pre-school 3 days now) and did the same for DD1. She will have DS when I go back from maternity leave. She considers it a privilege too - I know this because she’s told me - and wouldn’t want me to use a childminder or nursery because she believes (and we agree) she can provide the next best care to being at home with parents. She was a SAHM when DSis and I were children and actively enjoys being around children. My parents love their grandchildren as much as we do and love being a big part of their lives. PIL would have our children more but they live too far. They do the same for SIL.

However, I don’t think anyone is unreasonable to want something different. When my DC are older, DH and I will do what we can to support them with childcare but we don’t know if we’ll still be working at that time (DC are only 9, 3 and in utero currently). If one of us isn’t and healthy enough to, we’d happily offer the same support my DM has for us.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2024 16:02

Agree go shouldn't be relied on for childcare

To help out in emergency fine. As long a done have weekly ones lol

I have friends who parents look after their kids - and friends who are the gp doing the care

They are shattered

Friends at but we can't afford childcare

I agree childcare is costly but if you want kids you save for for it knowing wil be off work for 6/12mths and then paying each week /month

Diamondcurtains · 05/02/2024 16:02

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 14:58

.. to their childcare arrangements , if and when they have kids. They were really surprised!
Lone parent here, working full time and intend to retire in about ten years. Ie I'll be relatively young.
It was a light conversation but they fully thought that I would be a part of their childcare set up in time.
I will f course be supportive and help
Out when needed and look forward to

Spending time with my grandkids but travel and renewing relationships and rest are certainly at the top of my list !
AIBU. Or is this the norm/ expectation now?

I could have written this. I’ve said exactly the same. My eldest is disabled with very complex needs I’ve cared for him for 25 years. I’ve definitely done my bit and am now really enjoying the free time .

Icantbedoingwithit · 05/02/2024 16:02

In saying that I would never do regular childcare, I don’t think I would mind one day a week. Any more that that…no.

kintra · 05/02/2024 16:04

I mean, you are under no obligation, but you seem to be revelling in being unhelpful and it comes across a little smug? Just tread carefully, my mum said things over the years in a similar vein and what's happened? I'm in my 30s, happily childfree and not planning on changing that, and she's in her 60s desperate for grandchildren. You reap what you sow, etc

Weftaway768 · 05/02/2024 16:04

Interesting thread op and something to contemplate!

I don’t think parents can win nowadays however much you put yourself out.

What l have learned over the years is that if you don’t plan your own agenda; other people plan it for you.

Sorry to sound so maudlin . I know from friends that there are great rewards to be found - and much fun - in developing a close relationship with gc.

Please just give me some time to recover a bit from supporting my young adults first! 😃😂

NewName24 · 05/02/2024 16:04

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:23

No I would never let them struggle. I would certainly help out in f one was unwell, hospital stay etc but I think it's an important conversation to have. For example if one of my children were to have five kids, it's important to know , for them, that with that decision may come massive childcare costs and the need to plan for that themselves . I see my role as a grandparent not a minder.

I agree with this.

YANBU at all OP.
I've had the same conversation with my dc, just as my Mum had the conversation with my siblings and me long before any of us were thinking of having dc.

I'm very much up for babysitting - nights out, hospital appts, needing to attend a funeral, looking after the baby for a bit so parent can watch the older child's assembly, etc etc..... supporting if anyone is ill, naturally.

But actual childcare is a very different thing.

One of my dc works shifts and that puts a slightly different slant on the amount I would help them as childcare simply isn't available the hours they work, but I'd still expect them to be covering the core hours with childcare.

mirror245 · 05/02/2024 16:04

Dd13 and I talk about stuff like this. I would happily look after any dgc (if was lucky s light to have them). Only 2-3 days per week though.

Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:05

My OP @FUPAgirl did not mention fun, but I stated that it was a light conversation. Regardless of who brought it up, the sentiments remain.
Why should it matter? I know that I don't want this conversation when one of my children announces a pregnancy and for some reason has factored me into her/ their childcare plans with presumption. Hardly the ideal time for that level of stress or fractious relationship between us.

OP posts:
FUPAgirl · 05/02/2024 16:07

OP your 2nd post describes it as a 'fun' conversation. I guess we just have different ideas on what fun is! Anyway as I said, you did eventually explain that actually the DC raised it.

ItsBeanJuice · 05/02/2024 16:08

What on earth have you raised, that your teens have thought about you being childcare for their, as yet, non existent kids? Weird that thru d even thought about it and entitled as well. Parenting fail.

Fucking bizarre, both you asking and their apparent reaction.

FUPAgirl · 05/02/2024 16:08

mirror245 · 05/02/2024 16:04

Dd13 and I talk about stuff like this. I would happily look after any dgc (if was lucky s light to have them). Only 2-3 days per week though.

Yes I'm the same. I minded nieces and nephews regularly too in the past when I worked part time. I definitely would like to mind any future GC if I'm lucky enough to have any.

But I definitely wouldn't judge anyone who didn't want to.

ItsBeanJuice · 05/02/2024 16:09

*they had

OutsideLookingOut · 05/02/2024 16:09

Personally I think it is very sensible of you to say so now. I mean if you change your mind later it could only be an extra to them rather than the other way which would be taking something away.

I am all for women not doing something just because it is expected by society. I felt respect for my own mum when she said she wouldn't be taking care of a baby if we became young teenage parents.

kintra · 05/02/2024 16:10

itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 15:47

It was my own children who brought it up in conversation ie...' oh I can't wait to have kids and live here ( In this town) and send them to my old school and have you minding them when I'm at work ..'
So it developed from there .

Wow. You might want to broaden their horizons. There's a big wide world out there, why would their biggest dream be to copy and paste their own life? Jeez

Original poster
itspurplestripes · 05/02/2024 16:10

Yes@FUPAgirl . It was the OP that you stated that the word ' fun' came into it, however.
You seem to be in the minority considering it a strange post but I think it's rather important tbh. Horses for courses etc

OP posts: