Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

[Addyview]

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

I am not sure what more you could have done
You told her you had a wedding and she booked that date

She knew you were not available and still booked the date. Expecting you to cancel is very entitled

If she books her wedding only 6 months in advance there is a good chance not everyone will be able to make it.

You already have a commitment that day, you told her about it.

You've accepted the invitation and want to go to the other wedding.

It's a shame, but you communicated clearly with her. It's on her that she didn't take you seriously

Nope she is being unreasonable - they are both close friends to you and you accepted his invite first. And gave her advance notice that you couldn't do that date.

You have committed to your manager. Stand by your commitment.
h
Too many people mess others around these days with invitations, not turning up for events etc that they’ve agreed to attend. It’s so rude.
Have a lovely day and if your friend decides to drop you because of it, it’s a shame but that’s her “Princess Tippy Toes” problem.

Your friend is very thick and entitled.

For her attitude, I would just send her a card, no money and no present.

Yanbu. You had a prior commitment (whether or not she deems her wedding to be more important to you is irrelevant ) which you told her about and she decided to go ahead and book that date anyway. It’s all on her.

I would tell her-

I have you a heads up about the date, I’m so sorry to miss yours but that’s just the way it goes.

She is understandably hurt but you couldn’t have been more clear!

She is being completely unreasonable. Even if you weren't all that close to your manager you'd already accepted the invitation - it would be so rude to then change your mind because a better offer came in!

I'm going to go against the grain here! Whilst I agree, your friends attitude has been poor, I have to say a friend I have known since I was five would almost be like a sister to me. And being asked to be a Bridesmaid shows how special you are to her.

There probably were very few dates the venue could accommodate for a summer wedding and given there is much time between now and then I actually think I would very much apologise to my manager and be attending my lifelong friends wedding instead.

Again, I think she has had a very poor attitude to this

Stick to your guns op.
You've done nothing wrong and have been honest. Very unfair and presumptuous of your friend to assume you would cancel on your manager and attend her wedding despite knowing how the land laid.
Stick to your principles. Be prepared to loose friendship a little over it.
. But not your fault. You can't please everyone. Which ever way you spin it someone will be disappointed. The friend is totally unreasonable to expect you to flake on manager. And it's not a good look to cancel on your promises personally or professionally.

Did you miss that @Addyview informed her friend that she already had a commitment on that date, the wedding of another good friend?

Bad form on your friend. You have to go to the first one.

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

She told you the date. You said you couldn't do as at another wedding

She chose to do that date regardless

Silly her

This. Plus the other person is equally your friend and you want to go.

So, essentially you think that @Addyview should cancel on good friend A because good friend B booked a date, knowing that AV had already committed to the wedding of good friend A on that exact date? Why exactly?

The only reason I disagree is that your childhood friend knew about your clash before she booked and unilaterally decided that you weren't being serious.

That - I think - speaks volumes about the type of friendship she believes you have.

Stick to your guns OP.

You have another wedding of a close friend. Don't look back

I think it would actually not be too bad to change your acceptance to declining your work friend's wedding at this notice. It's still 6m away, you wouldn't be inconveniencing anyone or costing them money. However I 'd probably do the same as you and stick with your prior engagement. Just keep re-iterating that it's a prior engagement and not personal.

This may be unfair of me, but if your best friend is being this demanding already it could be a tricky few months ahead for her bridesmaids!

I’d say it says a lot about how much she respects she, she clearly thought she could bully you into cancelling the other person. I’d do the same, stick to your guns and go to managers wedding.

It would be inconsiderate to go back on your word for the invitation you have already accepted. It would potentially make things difficult at work too, aside from anything else.

You explained to your friend when she mentioned the potential date, that you were committed on that day. She finalised that day knowing that, so she wasn’t prioritising your attendance then. Of course, she can choose whichever date suits her and her partner, but she can’t expect other to renege on prior commitments to suit.

I know the golden rule on MN is that you go to the event you accepted first, and I do normally agree, but I would cancel just about anything to attend my best friend's wedding as bridesmaid.

I think if you choose your manager she'll interpret that as you not caring for her in the way she cares for you and it will cause problems in your friendship.

Yanbu. You have a prior engagement and it would be rude to pull out of the first wedding having got a "better offer".

I can see your other friend's pov that it sounds weird to choose a colleague's wedding over someone you knew for 30 years but does she know you consider your colleague to be a dear and close friend who you happen to also work with? Also you aren't choosing between them because she has issued her invitations much much later. If you only give 8 months notice of a wedding date, especially in August, there are going to be at least a third of your invitees who can't make it because of having already booked holidays and already accepted invitations to other weddings.

She knew you couldn't make it that weekend before she finalised the date. She was being very unreasonable to assume you would snub your other friend for her.

Is part of the problem that she was thinking of the colleague as just a colleague, not a close friend? That she thought that wedding would not be important to you because you weren’t particularly close ?
Anyway, that doesn’t help.
I don’t see what you can do, other than reiterate that you did tell her that you couldn’t make her proposed date, that you don’t feel you can cancel your acceptance of the first wedding,that it is the wedding of someone close to you and not a “ mere” colleague,and put the ball back in her court. It’s not fair of her expect you to renege on the invitation you have already accepted.

It sounds like she has deliberately made it some kind of loyalty test. Unfortunately you have a prior commitment, shame she couldn’t accept that.