Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

I honestly can't see what you've done wrong op.
You accepted an invite to a wedding and have said a few times in the thread you're really looking forward to it.
Your friend told you about hers, you told her you couldn't go on that date, it doesn't sound for a minute you did this to try and get her to change the date to accommodate you, making demands on her so you could go, you just politely told her you couldn't attend.
I think you have behaved perfectly op, if you're friend is unhappy that really is an issue she will have to deal with and resolve herself.
I hope this doesn't spoil you enjoying the other wedding, you really haven't done anything wrong

Yes I agree too. I would have fully understood someone pulling out of my wedding in these circumstances. August is ages away too so it's not like you're landing them with the bill for your dinner, they won't be anywhere near finalising numbers.

I don't see what else you could have done. You told her when she floated the date by you that you were already going to a wedding that day and wouldn't be available.

She went ahead and booked it, knowing that you were unavailable and now expects you to cancel? She's very unreasonable. It's ridiculous to say 'I thought you were joking and would drop everything to be my bridesmaid'.

If she had genuinely thought that she should have said so and cleared the air before going ahead with her plans.

I know you told her the dates you couldn’t make.

have you asked why she decided on that date? For example Was this the only one available for absolutely ages on a weekend and so she had to take it? If that’s the case I would have to decline my manager. A bridesmaid is a huge part of the wedding and I would want to part of it. Your manager would understand I’m sure. Especially if you are still able to attend the mangers partners hen do.

if you friend chose that date but did have other options most people would go to managers one. But attend all the build up like choosing dress,flowers, hen do if the friend was happy with that.

personally whatever the reason I would go to my friends wedding and be her bridesmaid. But then I have been told I’m a bit to soft. Friendship since I was 5 …. My heart would heart to miss it.

Your friend is completely in the wrong. Next level bridezilla! It sounds like she is jealous of your friendship with your manager too. But I suspect you will loose the friendship if you don't go to her wedding. Sadly you need to decide if you want to remain friends or not. If you do, I imagine you will end up cancelling on your managers wedding. You need to decide who you'd rather stay friends with going forward and the benefits of each friendship to your life.

I'd just send her a polite message.

Dear <friend>, I'm really sorry I can't make it to your wedding, but unfortunately I am already attending another friends wedding on that day, which I did let you know beforehand. As much as I'd love to share your special day with you, I'm sure you understand that as a fair person, it would go against my morals to just drop out of something I have already committed to and am looking forward to. I hope you have a really special wedding day. x

I checked dates with my bridesmaids and very close friends and family before I booked the venue. I also always advise any couples I work with to do the same.

Clashes will always happen and it's hard when you feel pulled in two directions, but ultimately, your friend didn't exactly show you any consideration when she knew you already had plans that day. If you being at her wedding was that important to her then she could have taken this into consideration.

There is a chance that your friendship won't recover here, are you okay with that?

I'd want to go to my oldest friends wedding in this situation and be their beudesmaid. Would your manager be able to fill your space given that you have one of a limited number?

My childhood friend was my bridesmaid and personally I wouldn’t have booked a date she said she couldn’t do.

I had several people drop out of my wedding in the week before, and I didn't really mind at all. I'm close to them all, but things came up that they couldn't get out of. If someone dropped out because their lifetime-long best friend was also getting married and had asked them to be bridesmaid I'd totally understand.

That said, your friend's attitude is the real stinker here. She asked you about the date, which you said you couldn't do, but then booked it anyway assuming you'd drop the other wedding to attend hers. Then she's insisting that any 'normal' person would do just that. I'm not surprised you're annoyed!

I agree with this, think about it this way : Your good friend of 30 years really wants you to be there, to be her bridesmaid and be part of the best day of her life, that's how much you mean to her.
Your other friend/manager you've only known 6 years, regardless of the fact you accepted his invite first, would understand the situation. It's really not about her being a bridezilla ,as others have said, you said you're close, she loves you and wants you with her.
Four hours apart if both wedding are close by couldn't you be bridesmaid for your friend at her wedding and then go along to your manager/friends wedding in the evening ?
I've had two wedding invites on the same day myself & luckily they were just 3 miles apart so this is the way managed it ,wedding, wedding lunch, taxi home, change outfit, fix hair & makeup, taxi to other weddings evening party, it was a rush but worth it.
Managers come and go best friends are forever

No she's a cheeky fucker. She knew you had that date set aside for a wedding already. It would be extremely rude to withdraw that acceptance. It's almost as if she's testing your loyalty!

I'm in the minority then lol. If you were my friend I'd be so hurt if you chose a work friends wedding over mine. I know the date was mentioned and that friend thought you was joking about not being able to come, but I think I'd think the same way as your friend. That it wouldn't be a big deal for you to cancel your work friend's invite. That my wedding would be more important. 30 years of friendship gone.

I agree with @milesmachine

I'd be telling my boss that I'm very sorry, but I've unexpectedly been asked to be a bridesmaid at my oldest friend's wedding which they've just announced is the same date so I'll have to change my RSVP.

To answer a few of the questions.

My friend chose the date because the venue she really wanted only had either August on the specific date or a date later on in the year which wouldn't have been a summer wedding. I completely understand her decision to book that venue and go for that date, I wouldn't have expected her to change anything for me. But I did tell her I wouldn't be able to make that date before she booked it so she was at least aware.

It is a really difficult situation because she is my oldest friend and we've always been very close, however my manager and I are also very close and have been for the last 6 years and I'm even good friends with his fiance now. Its not that I feel awkward or bad letting my manager down, I don't want to miss his wedding, I spend a lot of time at work with him and I've been really excited hearing what he's gonna have at his wedding and watching him plan it.

I never even considered changing my plans, I felt it fair that I'd warned my friend. The only thing that made me take a step back was when my friends fiance called me this weekend and told me how upset she is and he's said she didn't think for a moment that there would ever be a reason I'd miss her wedding. I know what she means, we grew up together and I never thought I would miss her wedding. But I can't split myself in two and I'm not willing to let my manager down or not go when I love him just as much as I love my friend.

I know I shouldn't be looking for back up from people on the internet but I was starting to worry I was being a horrible person for doing this. I'm happy to see its not just me, its made me feel like less of a cow! I still feel bad but I just don't see what I can do.

Thank you everyone for your input.

Im confused op. Why didn't she take the conversation you both had about you not being available on that date seriously?

Maybe it’s me but I see this in a different way. Your friend asked you about dates, you told her you couldn’t do that date. She CHOSE a venue over having you there. I would never have done that. I would want my best friend at my wedding and if she said she was booked up on that day, I’d pick another day. Who the hell just assumes their friend will cancel the other thing? It doesn’t say much about your friend - although I guess in her defence people do go a bit crazy with weddings.

You may have to accept things will change between you and them. If she’s a true friend she will understand or reschedule.

I would go to the managers wedding.

You told her the date you couldn't attend and why.

She just decided you didn't mean it and it didn't matter.

That's what would make me stick to my plans.

If she'd said look, I know you already have a wedding on that day but it's the only date we could get because of x, y, z. It would mean the world to me if you could come but I completely understand if you can't then I'd have prioritised a lifelong friend, apologised and explained to my manager. There's enough time, they can invite someone else.

But getting mardy because you won't bail on the wedding you'd agreed to attend in favour of hers, even though she knew the situation? She just didn't care because she matters more?
Nah.
Instant 'not happening' imo. Just because of that attitude tbh.

oh dear; difficult one. On one hand she is your long term, childhood friend but on the other she's over-stepped the mark.

Guessing she felt she had more clout over all your friends and especially over someone you work with, clearly doesn't care that you would have to cancel a previously agreed acceptance and that that shouldn't mean anything to you.

But the fact that "she assumed you were joking and prioritise her wedding." is a bit much! did she actually say those words?😮

Yes, this! She knew you couldn't make that date, but went ahead anyway because the venue or specific date was more important to her (and clearly just assumed you would bin off your other friend in favour of her).

And this isn't just the wedding of some casual acquaintance, this is another really close friend of yours. Just because you've known her longer doesn't mean your friendships aren't equally important.

The bride has several options. She could have checked with “must have” guests and made sure she picked a date they were all available for (surely all sane people do that?) Or she could have gone for a different venue, if it was only available for a date that didn’t work. She could have delayed the whole thing to make sure that neither venue nor guests were booked up already. She chose not to do that, so she has to accept the consequences.

Princess bride needs another bridesmaid.

It’s not even about “priorities “; you accepted the other invite first.

Same! Ditched her a few years ago and never looked back. You don't need 'friends' like that.

You have had a really lucky break, you don't have to get involved in all the hen party rubbish, & other obligations, & all the Bridezilla shit.

She snoozed, she losed.