Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

[Addyview]

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

I can see her point of view, not completely, but it's not just about weddings and dates is it. She is one of your oldest friends and she wants you as her bridesmaid.

You've said no, as you are going to a new friend's wedding, someone she's probably heard you talking excitedly about. But in her head you and her were 'real friends' and have been for years. Of course in her head you'd go to her wedding and apologise to your work friend....because you have a long standing relationship.

In her head you are the one that has chosen, and she is having to re-evaluate the friendship based on that. I think that this probably means the end of your friendship in the way it is now. She's going to be sad, insecure and will feel that you've moved on and left her and your friendship behind.

If you don't go to her wedding you will have to do some bridge building. I don't think this is about bridezillas, it's about forming new friends.

This is a tricky one…but I would go with my childhood friends wedding as you are part of the wedding as bridesmaid not only a guest.

Someone who won’t complain that her friend won’t be there to be her bridesmaid even when the friend told them they were already committed to another wedding on that date.

If you hadn’t rsvp’d to either I’d say pick your oldest friend.

but that’s not the case. You have rsvp’d and your other friend knew it. She has chosen a date when you’ve already committed to something else.

we missed a friends wedding because they booked on a date that we’d already rsvp’d to another wedding. It’s frustrating but I think as you’re as close as you say to your work friend you stick to the commitment to their wedding.

If she really wanted you there, she would've listened.

We had to juggle 3 diaries when booking our wedding.

My MIL wasn't happy with the date. She was told that the week she preferred didn't suit the groom.

We ended up choosing a date that suited us. Hey presto she managed to get a day off work. Like I said she would.

@muchof those of us who have very, very dear friends whom we’ve asked to be our bridesmaids would obviously check what dates there were not available before booking so that we didn’t clash with already booked holidays/other significant commitments. We did the same before booking the DCs’ birthday parties, too, to double check the DCs BFFs were definitely free. That’s pretty normal amongst my friendship circle.

I think your update actually makes me think even more that I would go to my oldest friend's wedding over my managers.

The venue had just 2 dates left in the year. The one she booked and one in the winter.

I also don't think it's as easy as choosing a venue over your friendship. When we looked for a venue we had to accommodate loads of factors: equal distance from both family's homes, rooms at location for family travelling, ability to have civil wedding and reception in one place, disabled ramps for elderly relatives... I only found 2 that suited what we needed.

I also think you have a lot of fomo. You talk several times about the buzz around the office and hearing all the excitement. If you were bridesmaid to your friend, you would be part of her plans and excitement too.

It's a tricky one OP and someone is going to be let down but I think I'd explain the situation to my manager and commit to taking the newly married couple for dinner once they're back from honeymoon so you can hear all about the big day

You say I never thought I would miss her wedding which suggests you are very good and old friends. But this really is as simple as you not missing it and declining your other invite.

People don't HAVE to get married in summer y'know. If they want the perfect insta wedding , in less than 6 months, over their nearest and dearest. That's on them.
friend's lack of planning is not OP's emergency. And why the rush to get married so quickly anyway?

I'd have loved a summer wedding but didn't want to wait a year. So i had it in winter instead. If that wasn't possible I'd have just found another venue!

She's made her choice. OP should be free to make hers. Not just another friends' wedding several others might have holidays, other commitments etc it's the price you pay for a short notice wedding at the height of the season!

It's really annoying that so many posters are missing the fact that the manager is not just a manager, but a really close friend too. And assuming he won't mind if she pulls out. He absolutely would mind imo.

Your friend didn't think you were joking - she thought you'd dump all over your other friend and do what she wanted. Regardless of how this would affect your other friendship and workplace relationships going forward. She chose her venue over you. That's fine but she shouldn't be guilt tripping you over it. Getting her fiance to call you is not cool.

I don't know why 'friends' is in italics! On mobile app so can't edit

It's dissing a very old friend, who you assume will be OK with it and go 'oh fine then' you don't want to be my bridesmaid or be at my special day because of your new shiny friends....

Glad you are going to managers wedding as sounds like good friends with both him and fiancé

You told hk ur friend you couldn't do that date

She chose a venue over your friendship

Um, how old are you?

She’s being ridiculous. This is why people need to organise themselves, esp if something is important to them.

Flip it round. She chose a venue over having her closest friend at her wedding.

You've already said you'll go to your managers wedding. You're obviously close. I have friends who I am closer to than some of my oldest friends but have known for less time.

Being a bridesmaid is usually a bit shit anyway so I'd go with your first option and have fun!

I would only book a wedding on a day my sisters were free. If I booked on a date I knew they were unavailable, I wouldn’t expect them to come (unless the inflexibility in wedding dates was due to something urgent such as terminal illness).

I don't think it can solely be about how long someone has been your friend otherwise newer friends, even really good ones, would always be second fiddle.

You are in such a hard position @Addyview I do think your old friend is being very unreasonable. If she wanted you to be bridesmaid she should have come to you to have a serious conversation about dates and what to do.

Does she have form for being a bit princessy? Has she ever done things that have upset you?

If you’re close enough to be a bridesmaid you’re close enough to prioritise her wedding. Work friends come and go. Often you’re extremely close, you move jobs and that naturally fades.

I think you might have had a lucky escape here OP. If she's like this about the date and her expectations that you'd drop all previously made plans for her, she's a bridezilla in the making!

She knew in advance you'd accepted an invite for someone else's wedding, so while she's not unreasonable to be sad you can't make it, she's totally unreasonable to expect you to drop once close friend for another.

Rather them than me having an August wedding... Given the hot temperatures we've been having the last couple of summers I'd dread the thought of wearing a massive dress all day! A cold Spring day was bad enough for me! Everyone assumed I must have been freezing, but I was just about right! Totally irrelevant of course! 😂

It's even worse she got fiance to ring you. She's ridiculous.

It's not "dissing an old friend" in favour of shiny new ones @BarrelOfOtters
It's honouring a commitment to an equally valuable friend, for whom the OP is a very important guest.

In theory you can look at it the other way round.

Your friend suggested a wedding date, you made it clear you weren't available on that date due to another wedding, yet she still went ahead and booked it.

If she REALLY wanted you to be involved in the wedding as her bridesmaid, then she would have chosen an alternative date.

To me, a best friend as bridesmaid at my wedding is FAR more important than any venue.

Six years is not a "new shiny friend."

We organised our wedding in about 6 months & gave our guests 4 months notice. Not one, not two, but three good friends had already committed to attending the wedding of an old housemate of theirs on the same date, together with their partners. I fully respected this, they missed our wedding & 15 years later we still remain extremely close. Does your friend have this kind of respect for you, OP?