Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

It would be really bad form for to cancel on one for another. You need to tell her she’s put you in an impossible position.

Because isn't just 'her manager', its her close friend - as she says in a later post, she loves them both equally.

I ran the date and venue past the people I really wanted to be there....and we ended up on a date that was a bit later than we wanted as that met the needs of most people.

She's picked a venue over you...

I don’t think the length or time the OP has known her friend is relevant. I have some friends I’ve known for 40 years, but wouldn’t necessarily say I felt closer to them than friends I’ve had for five years.

OP, YANBU.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all not to attend the friend's wedding, but if I were close enough to be a BM for someone I absolutely would cancel the Manager's wedding. You'd be giving loads of notice so it wouldn't be rude. But it's your choice. Your friend is acting out because you are important to her and she's sad you won't be there.

Well, they're close enough for OP to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

Agree YANBU though.

I think if OP had just said in the first place that these are two very close friends, one she's known from childhood and one she met as an adult, there wouldn't be so many repetitive replies framing it as "best friend Vs workmate" and getting themselves all whipped up about what a terrible person she is 🙄

Someone who desperately wants their friend to be their bridesmaid and will be devastated if she can’t make it?

Agree, the comprehension is poor.

Which event would you most enjoy? Eg. are you closer to one of the partners, or maybe will have more friends at one of the weddings? Maybe one of the two couples has fewer close friends/family and your presence will matter more?

There are good reasons for choosing either. Personally I think it's bad form by your friend asking you to cancel the other one, but some people do get a blind spot around their wedding.

Whichever you choose, let them know asap and arrange to do something really special with them on another date to celebrate. If you do decide to pull out of manager's wedding, you need to give a proper apology, explain that you were asked to be a bridesmaid, and offer to cover any costs caused by the cancellation (hopefully there aren't any at this stage).

I agree.

Your friends attitude is absolutely poor form and she should have been coming to you saying 'I know you couldn't get that date but it was the only one that we could book, is there any way you'd still consider coming as I really want you in my bridal party but I understand if you can't.'

Instead she's been a bit self centered.

However,

I would cancel the managers wedding for a friend I've known and been close to that long especially because she's asked you to be part of the day in terms of the bridal party but also part of the run up as well. If she was just asking you to be a standard guest then I'd be more inclined to go ahead with the plans you'd made.

Ultimately it depends on which friendship do you value the most and if you want to be her bridesmaid and all that goes with that?

Personally I'd cancel the managers wedding but still send a card and gift and go to your friends wedding, but I'd tell her that you were a bit miffed she assumed you'd cancel and that going forwards she needs to take your availability into account when making plans she wants you to be at otherwise you won't attend and she'll have no right to be cross about it. Then hold her to that. You're valuing the friendship not being a doormat.

When I planned my wedding, I checked available dates for the bridesmaids before booking as it was really important to me that they were there. I think the fact that you were clear you already had a wedding that day and she went ahead and booked regardless just means she’ll have to find another bridesmaid. Horrible position to be in, OP, but one of the friend’s making.

It's a difficult one. In it's simplest terms, you have already made a commitment, and your friend did know you weren't available when picking her date. But choosing a wedding date is incredibly tricky, and sometimes conflicts like this are very hard to avoid.

However, I have to say that from vast experience, workplace friendships can often feel very close and intense. You truly do feel like great friends and that can often spill over into being regular friends outside of work. But have learned that 9/10 times once you leave a workplace and a bit of time passes, no matter how great friends you were, the friendship does wane. Eventually, someone you saw and spoke to everyday becomes someone you might only catch up with around Christmas time. Trust me, this is always the way it goes. One of my former colleagues actually asked one of our work friends to be her maid of honour, they were that close. But after a few years of not working together anymore, they hardly ever see each other. This isn't just me, it's pretty universal. It's very unlikely your friendship with your colleague will last long term.

My point following the long waffle above, is that your friendship with your life long friend is probably much more likely to prevail long term. You have so much more bonding you together (in shared history) than you do with a colleague (even if you really, really like them). You might be gutted if you missed your best mates wedding and in a few years time you've changed jobs and never actually see the guy whose wedding you went to. Is it more a case that you don't want to miss out on a fun event that lots of people at work are talking about? That could be quite short-sighted.

You accepted the first invitation. Your friend knew you weren't free. It's down to her not you.

Not very special though as the bride booked her wedding for a day when she knew OP couldn't be there.

You have plans. Pretty significant plans. It doesn’t matter how much of a better offer you get you don’t cancel already made plans for something else. She knew you had another wedding therefore you cannot make hers. Sad but that’s the situation. Do not back out of your managers wedding for hers

Your friend made a mistake by even entertaining that date. When planning, it should have been a non starter. She's got carried away by the love of the venue and is now guilt tripping you (the partner calling about how upset she is - seriously! - what did she expect to happen).

Hold your ground, you're doing the right thing.

She's the one who chose not to have you there when she decided to go ahead with that date.

You can't be at 2 weddings at once, and you had already made a commitment to a good friend. She knew that when she booked the date.

YANBU but your friend is.

It's not your problem so don't worry about it, enjoy your managers wedding.

Its inconvenient that she chose a date you already have plans for. However if she really is your best friend since you were 5 years old and you're incredibly close I think you should cancel on your manager. She doesn't just want you to attend her wedding she wants you to be a part of her wedding. This trumps guest to me.
I also think you could forever damage this friendship if you decline, if I were her I'd be very hurt.
I think if you were to explain to you manager you have been asked to be a bridesmaid they would understand.

I think the sentiments here about work friendships are correct. You have a lot in common at that time in your life, but once one of you leaves you have much less left in common. You also see each other much less and the friendship becomes less important.

I booked my wedding so that my pregnant friend would have enough time to recover the birth and be present...

If the person matters to you, you make sure they are able to be there...

I agree with this too. We had a list of who were most important to be there when we got married and we made sure the date worked for them. She decided it was more important to her to have this venue and a summer wedding. You were OK with that. At no point did you say 'well I have plans but can change them if needed'.

Could this be a power play? There are over 300 days in a year and she chose the one day you told her you had another wedding to go to, really?

@Muchof I booked my wedding around some of my friends availability. Because most of them are teachers and wanted them to be there, including some of my bridesmaids. It's not an entirely foreign concept to not be completely selfish sometimes.