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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

319 replies

Addyview · 05/02/2024 09:31

I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

OP posts:

Rottweilermummy · 07/02/2024 06:52

It's a tough one OP, both important people to you but friend really should have chosen a different day, unless maybe she had to have that day to fit in with other people hoping that you would cancel your other engagement. if you cancelled your managers wedding that would be tough as you have to work with them and you would miss out on office talk about wedding plus I expect working relationship would change. Is there anyway you could attend your friends evening do? I know you said they are 4 hours apart which doesn't help. You have to stick with your manager though,

Zanatdy · 07/02/2024 06:56

I agree friends attitude is poor but one of my close friends from my childhood, that would trump a boss, despite classing him as a friend. It’s annoying but I’d apologise to boss and say you have to prioritise your life long friend. Wedding is months away and you’re one person, it won’t impact his plans much. If you don’t go I guess you know it’s going to affect your relationship, so I guess your decision. Maybe said friend had to pick this date. I still think you should prioritise a life long friend. Mine have been there for me through thick and thin and they’d be my priority.

Zanatdy · 07/02/2024 07:09

I also think OP has FOMO and doesn’t want the workmates all excited about the wedding and then talking about it for weeks after and she’s not there. That’s fine if you are happy to lose the friendship. I would like to say I’m shocked how many on here would choose managers wedding over life long friend but then MN is full of people complaining they have no friends so perhaps explains it!

GreyCarpet · 07/02/2024 07:10

I think some people forget that their wedding is for them. It's nice if other people can attend but sometimes they can't.

You told her the date you couldn't do and she booked it for then anyway. Yes, she's going to choose the date that suits her but you can't attend.

I wouldn't cancel an already accepted invitation because its worse to do that than it is to not attend another because the dates clash.

GreyCarpet · 07/02/2024 07:14

I would like to say I’m shocked how many on here would choose managers wedding over life long friend

A) the manager is also a friend and the OP has been invited to the ceremony as one of the few people invited to that. As a friend. Not an employee

B) a true friend would accept the situation and not expect her to cancel another commitment.

The both friends' weddings are important to them and the friend who invited and had their invitation accepted first is the one that should be prioritised. I don't think the duration of the friendship is relevant, tbh.

GreyCarpet · 07/02/2024 07:15

She's not choosing one friend over another. She's prioritising a prior commitment.

If the invitations had arrived at the same time, she might well have chosen the longer standing friend.

SusieKin · 07/02/2024 08:50

This happened to me a few years back. I chose my work colleagues wedding as at the time we were quite close and I didn’t see my old school friend on a regular basis. Fast forward a few years and I’m in a different job and never see the old work colleague but am still friends with the girl from school. I feel quite bad to be honest that I chose to go to the other wedding.

T1Dmama · 07/02/2024 09:36

Simply this ^

My sister changed her wedding date because her best friend couldn’t come!
You gave prior notice before she booked and sent out the invites and she still booked that date! What Is it to her.. some sort of test to see if you’re willing to cancel everything for her?!…
Its a tough one though because I think you’re doing the right thing, but I suspect she’ll distance herself from you totally after this.

LadyBird1973 · 07/02/2024 10:34

"I would like to say I’m shocked how many on here would choose managers wedding over life long friend but then MN is full of people complaining they have no friends so perhaps explains it!"

Or they don't have friends because they are flaky and let people down, when they've made a commitment?

doilooklikeicare · 07/02/2024 11:49

LadyBird1973 · 07/02/2024 10:34

"I would like to say I’m shocked how many on here would choose managers wedding over life long friend but then MN is full of people complaining they have no friends so perhaps explains it!"

Or they don't have friends because they are flaky and let people down, when they've made a commitment?

Exactly!

Funshrubs · 07/02/2024 12:19

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 10:26

@Wasbedeudetetdas I think if this was a simple birthday invite then sticking to 'first asked, first committed' would be right and proper. But a wedding is more nuanced than that. It (should be) a once in a lifetime milestone event.

So it's not as simple as 'good friend a' or 'good friend b' in this instance. OP herself has described her friend as someone who has been in her life since she was 5 and they are still great friends in their 30s. Good enough friend's to be asked to be a bridesmaid. That's a very small circle of people

I wouldn't be attending the wedding of the person who asked first, but the one where I'd leave a really big hole if I didn't attend. And who I would want to see go through this milestone event more.

If the manager/friend is reasonable, they will understand that.

And I say again, the friend going ahead with the date does not mean she necessarily disregarded the OPs position, but she very probably had little choice in the date the venue could do.

Edited

This, I'm surprised by these responses tbh. This isn't a birthday meal, it's a wedding and if she's close enough to be asked to be bridesmaid and been friends since they were 5, that should trump a 6 year friendship IMO.

Friend has been unreasonable booking the date she knew OP couldn't do, but she might not have remembered that on the day she booked it and as it's such a quick wedding, I'd assume she wouldn't have had a massive choice of dates at this late notice. I booked my wedding 14 months in advance and only had a choice of 3 dates!

GrannyHelen1 · 07/02/2024 15:52

Ditching any commitment in favour of another one, whatever the rationale, never usually works out well. If your friend is your friend she will understand that you are committed to your colleague's event already. You can do all the other stuff - hen night, planning etc with her, but you've promised to go to your colleague(also a friend)'s wedding, and they got in first. It would be incredibly rude to withdraw now.

SerafinasGoose · 07/02/2024 18:29

You honour the invitation you accepted first. This is a case of 'Manners: the Absolute Basics'.

How many friendships have been seen off by weddings? There's a theory that these occasions have a nasty habit of bringing out the worst in people, but more likely the reverse is true. People who view their wedding as some sort of power trip - and who suddenly begin revealing this tendency once they start the interminable 'wedding planning' they usually seem to think necessary - have probably always suffered with some form of main character syndrome.

I also suspect the PP upthread is right in their assumption that OP has dodged a bullet. If Friend is being this unreasonable now then the run-up to her wedding is unlikely to be plain sailing.

Hatty65 · 07/02/2024 18:39

I'm laughing at those posters claiming to be 'shocked' that you would even consider letting your friend down who don't seem to have realised that (currently) 2292 people have voted and 91% believe that the correct thing to do is to go to the wedding you accepted an invite to a year ago.

I'm shocked that they don't realise that 91% of a pretty large sample number agree you are doing the right thing. I'm shocked that they still believe (like your friend) that they are right.

It's very clear they are in the minority.

LadyBird1973 · 07/02/2024 22:28

And some of us who think she should go to the wedding she's already agreed to go to, are on the app and haven't voted.

Rowen32 · 07/02/2024 22:42

DZbornak · 05/02/2024 21:29

This thread genuinely seems like a piss take, absolutely unbelievable how many people would ditch a lifelong pal for some work random! OP I think you should go to your managers wedding, your friend obviously means nothing to you anyway, so when the friendship ends I'm assuming that won't be an issue.

Totally agree with you!

Pipsquiggle · 08/02/2024 10:36

Rowen32 · 07/02/2024 22:42

Totally agree with you!

Show quote history

Agree with @Rowen32 and @DZbornak

Speaking as a woman in her late 40s, I do understand the friendships made in work situations. They are everything whilst you are working together, intense and funny. I have been to many a work colleague wedding, even ones abroad, even ones where there were only 30 people invited and all of them have dwindled, some I still see but not often and it is not the same as when we saw each other every day.

My 4 greatest friends are the ones I met at school. They are the ones I turn to when the shit hits the fan. Out of these 2 people, who is that person for you?

RadFs · 28/07/2024 19:53

Addyview · 05/02/2024 21:26

Thank you for everyones opinions, I feel a lot better about things after seeing the majority of people see my point. My friend is very important to me and its a horrible place to find myself in, in her eyes I'm ditching her for someone else on her wedding when we've grown up together and always promised we'd be each others bridesmaids at our weddings, but I see it that I told her I couldn't be there and my manager/other friend is also very important to me and I said yes to him first.

As for the person who found the thread where I was crying in my car, I can assure you my manager was also likely crying in his car like many would be having to face work after Christmas. He's not a part of the reason why my job is stressful and I've cried on him more times than either of us would try to count.

My friend isn't demanding and she's never been entitled. On this occasion I think this came down to a misunderstanding, she says she assumed I was joking when I said I wouldn't go, she knew I'd accepted my managers but I don't think it occurred to her I meant it.

I'm very wound up her fiance got in touch to make me feel worse about it than I already do and that's what made me feel bad this weekend. Especially when he told me she doesn't actually believe I won't go to her wedding and she thinks I will change my plans for her. There's going to be a discussion coming up to make sure she knows I'm very serious that I can't go.

And a few asking which I would prefer to go to, I can't choose. If I got the invitations at the same time and hadn't agreed to either I don't know who I'd have gone to. I love them both. And bridesmaid would be an honour bit it also feels like an honour to go to my managers ceremony when he has such limited guests.

And I know people are confused by the friend and manager titles, that's why I made it clear in my first post that I only referred to him as my manager because it was easier to tell them apart without using names.

My plans aren't going to change. I did speak with my manager about it this afternoon and he told me while he'd be gutted he would understand me cancelling. But I agreed to go and I will be. Hopefully my friend will eventually understand and I can somehow find a way to celebrate with her another time.

Hi OP I guess the wedding is approaching. How’s your friend? Is she okay with you?

Strangerthanfictions · 28/07/2024 21:35

milesmachine · 05/02/2024 09:47

@Wasbedeudetetdas nope, I read that bit. That's why I say the Friends attitude is poor. But in all honesty she was probably given the option of one date this summer or next year. My friend has just booked her wedding and had an option of three dates this year.

I think this might be true but she should have made a heartfelt plea to the OP, I'm sorry to put you in this position I don't have much choice etc if that was the case. It's the fact she just assumed OP would just fall in line without any consideration of her dilemma

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