Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

I would stick to my guns. Tricky situation though its entirely of her own making. In her shoes if there was absolutely only one choice I'd have called you to reconfirm you definitely couldn't make it and explain that she was having to choose. Instead she's made it all your fault?

There's no reason for you not to go to her Hen or to help arrange it though if you are close.

Stick to your guns op, you will damage your relationship with your manager/friend if you cancel now, you will also resent being at the other friends wedding if you go. Your friend is the one being unreasonable here. Be polite but firm and tell her you are already committed that day. What on earth was she thinking booking it on the same day if she wanted you to be bridesmaid but knew you were already unavailable.

Your friend is being massively unreasonable, for all the reasons mentioned upthread.

The other thing is that your friend won't have to deal with the fallout at work of dropping out of a pre existing commitment to your other good friend, and how this will be viewed by your manager and other colleagues. She'll just go on her merry way, having made your workplace uncomfortable for you.

@Wasbedeudetetdas I think if this was a simple birthday invite then sticking to 'first asked, first committed' would be right and proper. But a wedding is more nuanced than that. It (should be) a once in a lifetime milestone event.

So it's not as simple as 'good friend a' or 'good friend b' in this instance. OP herself has described her friend as someone who has been in her life since she was 5 and they are still great friends in their 30s. Good enough friend's to be asked to be a bridesmaid. That's a very small circle of people

I wouldn't be attending the wedding of the person who asked first, but the one where I'd leave a really big hole if I didn't attend. And who I would want to see go through this milestone event more.

If the manager/friend is reasonable, they will understand that.

And I say again, the friend going ahead with the date does not mean she necessarily disregarded the OPs position, but she very probably had little choice in the date the venue could do.

We ended up with our third choice best man despite advance planning. These things do happen and, honestly, 30 years on it is probably better that the best man was a family member. The other 2 are still in touch, but in that kind of ‘old friends’ category where communication is sporadic and based on getting in touch at Christmas or when you are in the area.

As regards close work place friends - the common career path tends to me they stay closer.

You had a prior commitment, so I hope your friend can see this and how important it is.

I think it's clear which wedding you want to go to, and I think in these circumstances any decision you may would be legitimate.

It's fine to say to your friend you've already committed to attend another wedding, and after all you did warn her.

Equally, if you felt you really couldn't miss being a bridesmaid at your childhood friend's wedding, you'd be giving your colleague plenty of notice and likely they wouldn't lose out financially. They may be a bit put out though.

Your friend is being unreasonable. You told her you were already going to a wedding that date and she decided you'd chose her over them.
You could speak to your manager friend and say you'll never guess what?! and see what they say about it. They might even say you really should go to her wedding, but then again, they might just say that they are glad they asked you first as they really want you at their wedding.

If the manager has given you one of their limited ceremony invitations, it's clear they really want you there. I think it will cause a great deal of offence to drop out now - you'd be telling him that he is not as important to you as you are to him. And choosing his wedding to make that point.
Your friend is being a complete dick here. You told her you couldn't do that date and she has booked it anyway, not caring about the mess it leaves you in if you don't attend your other friend's wedding. She has a right to pick any date she likes, but not to get upset with you for honouring your existing commitment

It sounds as though, despite your long friendship, you currently feel close enough to your manager to want to stick with your original decision. So do that. We all change and so do relationships over time - just because friend has known you for years doesn’t mean she has a right to tell you to let down somebody else.

YANBU. This is a risk your friend has taken by booking such a short notice wedding.
When we got married, we checked the date worked with the most important people - parents, best friends, siblings - before booking. There was a date we wanted where one of our key guests had a holiday booked, so we picked another date.

This happened to me but the other way around and I was the old friend. I actually couldn’t believe that she didn’t come to my wedding and it showed me that she didn’t value the friendship in the same way I did. That really hurts. And that was really the end of that.

I think your manager friend will completely understand and might even be a bit embarrassed that you chose his wedding over that of your childhood friend, particularly as you are to be a bridesmaid!

Stick to the original plan - you told her in advance so it's her decision to not have you there 🤷‍♀️

But did you book it knowing that she already had a commitment on that day? That’s the key thing here.

I'd feel completely differently if the friend had come back to OP in the first place saying that it was the only date that worked for family (or whatever the reason was for picking that exact date), saying she was desperate for OP to come and asking if there was any chance for OP to make it. She's behaved really badly and is now blaming OP for that.

I would say to her ‘if I had gotten the invitations at the same time, then of COURSE I would have gone to your wedding, but I have already accepted his invitation now. Im sorry to be missing your wedding but first come first served. There is only one of me, thanks for the invitation but I’m booked up that day!’

I agree with this ... I honestly think I would prioritise a friend of so many years here. Those friends are irreplaceable.

My ex bestie used to treat me like this all the time. We are now no longer friends.

If this was my best friend I wouldn't be telling her what to do. I'd be beating myself up for not listening and booking a day she told me she couldn't do.
I don't think you can do any more.
I only went to the evening of my best friends wedding because it was family only, a very small event and she didn't have the numbers. I've never held it against her. If you're real friends then this shouldn't matter.

No I didn’t.

Actually thinking again I can see both sides of this, even though I still think the childhood friend was being unreasonable to assume.

I guess if I invited a work colleague to my wedding and they accepted but later said they'd have to pull out as a friend of 30 years had asked them to be bridesmaid, I wouldn't mind. But then the manager is also a friend, not just a colleague.

I think it's a tough one!

I agree. Did you have this information before you sent her the invitation?
I think once you commit to going to a wedding, then to blow it off for a better deal is worse than being honest and saying you have already agreed to go to another wedding.

I think the behaviour of the friend here is demonstrating really well why knowing someone for a really long time doesn't necessarily make them a good friend.

OP is so refreshing to read about someone who is behaving appropriately. Of course you have to honour the first invitation. Your friend’s invite has come too late, for a day she knew you could not make. Do not let her guilt you into changing your mind. It is really unfair of her.

That's so sad that she's put you in that position x