Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

I agree with this. It honestly baffles me that folk are saying go with the one you agreed to first when this friend is close enough to ask you to be bridesmaid.

Also. The manager friend will likely not be that bothered and will not hold it against you whereas I would think your friendship would be over with your female friend.

Have you considered just booking a holiday, telling them you love them both, giving them generous gifts (as you won’t be spending on outfits) and then bowing out as you can’t choose?

OP has chosen and is looking forward to the managers wedding.

Quite.

You are not a horrible person. You've been put in a difficult situation. And the fact that your manager friend was so much more understanding than your old friend... I think I would take that as further confirmation you are picking the right friend. She chose the venue over respect for you. If you matter so much, she could have picked another pile of bricks... that's an ungenerous take. The more generous one is, it was a misunderstanding. The quality of your friendship will be determined by how you both handle this situation now I think.

She stated that they had planned to be each others bridesmaids since throughout their whole friendship. Personally that would mean more to me than it does to her.

Oh dear god, I promised my friend at school I'd live within five miles of here and she of me for ever.... then she moved to Australia 🇦🇺

Things do change!

Might be a stretch (and a super long day!) but depending on the schedules, could you try to make it to part of both? Spend the morning getting ready with your best friend, attend as her bridesmaid, take pics and then travel to the evening part of your manager’s wedding?

Sounds like you’re close to both so maybe that’s a compromise you could possibly make to salvage the friendship with your best friend. The way she went about things wasn’t great but I’d consider all options to avoid a fallout.

OP had just three posts. ....

Sorry, I don’t get what you mean?

@NewYearSameMe16 read them and you'll know why your suggestion is not possible.

@doilooklikeicare I’ve read all of OP’s posts so would you like to point out where she says it’s absolutely impossible for her to attend both weddings? If you’re referring to them being four hours apart, if her best friend’s wedding started at 1pm, they’d have the morning together pre-wedding, the ceremony and she could leave at 3/4pm and then arrive at the manager’s wedding at 7/8pm and have a few hours with him at the reception.

Tiring, inconvenient and far from ideal but doable if they both mean a lot to her and she finds it difficult to choose between them.

@doilooklikeicare they’re still friends and she asked her to be bridesmaid. Your comparison doesn’t work.

Don't be so ridiculous that you think that's achievable! 4 hours apart and you've made up hypothetical timings that suit that scenario.

A "bit" tiring ....

Before she had a groom.......

I asked you to be my bridesmaid, before I had a plan and then

You were in labour
You had a day old baby
You'd moved to New Zealand
You'd were attending another wedding, which I was aware of but ignored
Your niece was being christened

Lots of reasons, why people can't commit to a "promise" before a definite plan.

Did you book your wedding on a day your friend had told you she was already attending a wedding?!

My take. Take the outrage of the request out of it. The long term ramifications would be my decision making process here. Whilst it's not great she has done this, long term what is going to have the least impact. Compromise in relationships is important and if this is more of a bridezilla thing in an otherwise good friendship and that friendship is more important to you if factor that in too. It's not ideal, but often life isn't. On the other hand if she often does this kind of thing and your future relationship would benefit from the assertion of a boundary then I'd stick with my original plans. Weddings are so emotive and a one off event that you can't make up.

I think it will mean an awful lot more for your friend to have you as a bridesmaid at her wedding than it would mean for your manager (good friend as he is) to have you as a guest at his wedding.

I think he would understand that being bridesmaid at your best friend's wedding could trump his wedding invitation.

You seem to think that his wedding would be lots of fun for you to go to- but I think your friend may want your emotional support. She is likely to be in your life forever, not guaranteed with him.

She is likely to be in your life forever, not guaranteed with him.

How do you know that ?
I am still in touch with various people I've know for decades. But there is no correlation between the fact I have known them for decades and the measure of how close we are. I also have friends made much more recently that I am close to, and definitely friends I made in my 30s and 40s that have become really close in the intervening years, despite the fact I am still friends with people from school ages.

Why are you answering for the OP? None of us have any idea of the timings, that’s why I asked her (not you) if it was something she’d consider, I didn’t order her to do it.

The fact of the matter is the best friend has put the OP in a difficult position but it’s now her choice about whether she loses a 30 year friendship over something where there might be a (challenging but possible) workaround.

@NewYearSameMe16 the OP had said in her first post

The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time.

So why are you questioning her again!!!

Please do tell me why she's literally said she can't, but for some reason you think she can....

What's the point in posting, if you're going to ignore what OP has already said?

Not sure why you’re repeating the same thing we’ve all read; on paper it might not look doable but if a wedding spans 12 hours, she has four hours at one, travels and spends four hours at the other, it’s not impossible. Is maths not your strong point?

She could logistically do it, the real question for her (not you) is does she want to and it looks like she’d rather spend the whole day at the manager’s wedding which is entirely her prerogative. I was trying to suggest a long shot solution that might have helped lessen the negative impact on her relationship with her best friend.

She's stated she can't split her time. To avoid people unhelpfully suggesting she spits her time..

🤦‍♀️

How difficult can it be, that she actually knows the logistics!! And not you!

Definitely stick to your mangers wedding. He sounds very reasonable and your friend sounds very unreasonable. She bloody knew you were going to a wedding of another close friend that day.