Friend Upset I'm Going To Workmates Wedding And Not Hers

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I've worked in my current job for 6 years and been very close to my manager, we started around the same time and I would consider him a friend not just at work but personally. He booked his wedding and sent out the invites a year ago for this August, I accepted straight away and it's been a buzz at work talking about it.

Then there's my friend who I've known since I was about 5, we went through school together and remained extremely close since then and we're still close now we're in our thirties. She got engaged in September and announced last week the wedding is in August on the same day and she said she wants me to be bridesmaid. She had mentioned the date to me before going ahead and I told her I already had a wedding that day and wouldn't be able to go, so when I told her this after the invitation came through she told me she assumed I was joking and prioritise her wedding.

I understand she wanted the date she wanted for her own reasons, but I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do now. The weddings are 4 hours apart so I can't split my time. I've already accepted my managers invitation and I do really want to go, I know how much its all cost him and he had given me one of his limited places for the ceremony which I know he's only invited people close to him and his fiance to. But my friend is insisting that any "normal" person would cancel a workmates for a friend of nearly 30 years, but I said yes to his first and she already knew this!

I'm a little annoyed in all honesty. I'd told her I wouldn't be able to make that date so when she booked it she shouldn't have expected that I just drop one wedding for hers. I can see why she's peeved off but she's acting as if I'm just passing it up for a strangers wedding when she knows herself how close to my manager I am!

(Just to point out, I am very close to my manager both in and out of work and the only reason I refer to him as my manager in this rather than friend is because its easier to differentiate when I'm trying not to use real names)

It would be very bad form to go to your friends wedding after accepting the invitation from your manager. Your friend is being very unreasonable.

eh I think I would prioritise the childhood friend. Especially as she wanted you to be a bridesmaid. It doesn’t sound like she booked this date with any malice, wedding venues are notoriously fully booked in the summer months.

A good friend of mine (who I wanted to be a bridesmaid) was working abroad for work and couldn’t get the time off. I totally understood. However if she hadn’t of come because she was going to a colleagues wedding I’d have definitely felt gutted.

Is she your best friend? Or your oldest friend? Because it's not always the same thing.

It’s as if she was trying to pull rank and you would just cancel the other one. Don’t really see why she could do another date.

you have a prior arrangement on that date, and that’s that! I can’t stand it when people flake out from something after giving their word. You told her you couldn’t do that day as you have already rsvp to another event. Stick to your guns and she will have to lump it

Sounds like when all said and done the old friend chose a venue over OP... bare bones. The venue won.

She could have another venue, she could have another date (even if it were the next year) but she wanted that venue and that date and thought OP would ditch previous engagements and another close friend in favour of her wedding.

All the people saying ditch the other wedding, OP wants to go to the other wedding! Whether you would or not is irrelevant, OP wants to go the wedding of their close friend who also happens to be the manager, who only has limited invites for which OP got one, this means OP was VIP invitee to this wedding, not just there making up the numbers.

Time doesn't automatically mean someone has more clout.

You can’t go. That’s the top and bottom of it.

I do think I’d tell her it was sad and try to do a pre wedding event with the both of you when you spend some quality time together.

On the day itself, with all the stuff going in, you’ll probably hardly speak.

As a good friend who wanted you to be her bridesmaid, she should have at least asked if you would cancel the other wedding to attend, before booking it. Not assumed you would, especially when you said you couldn't make it. Her desire for a summer wedding over-rode her regard for you. Which is crazy, I can't imagine how the date could be more important to her than one of the key people she wanted there. She thinks too well of herself imo.

If you were a priority, and you told her the (only?) day in August you couldn't manage, you should argue that it was her who could have made alternative plans.
I understand how you feel. I had a similar quandary with my sisters 40th, having told her the only weekend I was already booked 8 months ahead. DSis still organised her 'do' for that weekend, claiming she had forgotten my prior arrangements (a wedding). I missed her celebration, she got over it.

Who books their wedding around their friends availabilities!

Someone who wants their friend there?

I think you're being completely reasonable, especially since she knew you were already busy that date. Marriage is for life so I don't understand the rush, why couldn't she get married next August instead. I know it's exciting but why the rush?

Anyone who wants their friends to be bridesmaids?

I think you clearly would rather go to your managers wedding and if the invitations had landed on the same day, I feel you would still prefer that. Which is fine but don’t expect your friendship with your best friend to survive this.

I would be very surprised if your manager would have a problem with you saying you cannot make it to his wedding after all because your close friend is getting married and wants you to be bridesmaid! I think in this case, the invite that came first rule can reasonably be waived. And if you really cared about your friend, I think you would.

The posts about her not booking her wedding around your social arrangements are something else. She presumably had good reason for picking the day she did and I am sure that testing you (as some have suggested) is not one of them.

You don’t think the onus is on the bridesmaids to free up their calendar.

And anyway serious question, do you personally know somebody that had picked their wedding day based on their friends social calendars. I expect you haven’t really despite your “smart” answer.

But the OP has clearly stated that she actively wants to attend this first wedding. It's not an obligation to her. I don't think it's fair to pit her friendships against each other, the simplest and fairest way to decide priority is the way she already has: by attending the wedding she has accepted the invitation to. If the bride really cared about her friend she'd accept that graciously instead of being a prima donna about it.

No, I wouldn't expect bridesmaids to 'free up their calendar' for me, particularly not ditch a wedding of their close friend. Would you expect them to also cancel a holiday they'd booked, or ditch a pre-planned work trip?

And yes, I made sure the friends that were going to be my bridesmaids could make my planned wedding date before I booked anything. Same with my immediate family. Because it was more important to me that they could be there than the venue or the exact date.

I don't understand why you would even think of prioritising your manager's wedding over your best friend's?!?! especially as she has asked you to be bridesmaid.

Your manager will understand that things can change.

I had a selection of dates and consulted my friend who is a single mum and would be travelling from abroad. I chose the date she could attend. Then I gave all my other 'must haves' 18 months' notice. Because they were important to me and the wedding is about celebrating with them. I'd be absolutely gutted if one of them then cancelled for another wedding after I was so considerate to them.

I don't think a work friend is automatically trumped by a friend from childhood. The bond can be just as close if not closer.

My best friend at the time did something similar - told me the time period she wanted to get married and that it would be on a workday. I explained that I would have just started training in a new career at that point, which had a strict training schedule and I would absolutely not be able to take leave. The only exception was for funerals.

She booked the wedding and then treated me like absolute shit when I confirmed I wouldn't be able to attend - like I'd chosen this career path just to spite her.

The friendship limped on for a while but I never forgot how spiteful she was.

If you start to weigh up invitations based on who you like more a whole world of pain opens up. First promised gets your attendance, keeps life fair and simple.

It's just common sense isn't it? If you have a childhood friend who you feel MUST be your bridesmaid, you organise a date that they can attend. I checked with my bridesmaids (and other important guests like parents and siblings) because I'm not so entitled as to expect that they don't have other friends or family or in-laws who are important to them who may also be holding events.

OP says that her manager is also a close friend and that she loves him as much as she loves her childhood friend. Why would OP go back on her acceptance of his invitation in these circumstances? His invitation came first. She has no reason to feel bad.

I’d be pretty flummoxed. Is this a test?!

Dear Mr. Manager

I realise you and your fiance booked your wedding a year ago, however my best friend has since decided to book her wedding on the very same day - would you believe it ?!!!
366 days this year and she picks the very same day.

My best friend wants me to be her bridesmaid and she is so pissed off that I accepted your wedding invitation and that I have no intention of not coming to your wedding - which I am very much looking forward to that she even got her fiance to contact me to say she is upset.

So...please could you change your wedding date so my best friend gets her own way as she didn't understand I really was coming to your wedding and decided to choose the very same date as yours.

I am sure you will understand the need of my friend to dictate my social calendar.

:)

God this is difficult. Not all friendships are equal. Sounds like you are going to have to pick.

One of my DH's bestfriends couldn't make our wedding due to another engagement. It really hurt him and took quite few years to get back to normal. My DH is normally very laidback and non-emotional but I know it really hurt him. It was kind of a slap in the face as his friend essentially put this other event above DH. It was very tough.

All I would say is that my friendships from school are the ones I have relied upon the most and are enduring.
My friendships I have made at work (particularly in my 20s /early 30s) burn brightly whilst we're together but dim when we part. There are a couple of work friends that have stood the test of time.