To answer my friend honestly about her partner

[Whatdoyouthink65]

Context: My best friend from school and I have fairly infrequent contact now, but are both still available when one or other needs something ( like an opinion or a venting row about something). We don’t see each other much for geographical, familial commitment and conflicting work schedules. My friend has one child from a previous relationship which ended with acrimonious divorce and complex nasty custody battle.
When she met that person I did not like him, told her so nicely ( when she asked for my honest opinion- not unsolicited) and it changed our relationship for a long time. When she got divorced she actually confessed that my concerns about him had been entirely valid and she wished she had listened. I never hold this against her because we’ve all been guilty of being ‘rose tinted’ about partners at some point. After the divorce our relationship returned to how its was pre mariage.

She has a new partner of approximately one year. They appear very happy together and have moved in together- she plans to have another child ( his first bio) soon. He has fully accepted her daughter and has stepped into the ‘ dad’ role fully.

We arranged for us to all meet up recently and she wanted my honest opinion about him. I’m really torn about being honest with her again and potentially ruining our relationship or not acting on my gut and telling her a blasé “ yea he’s nice” answer.

I don’t have issues with everyone at all; in fact I can think of very few other people I don’t like. On the surface there is nothing to dislike about him. He’s polite and as above seemingly makes her feel good/ happy. I just didn’t warm to him initially and always trust my gut , but gave him benefit of doubt ( maybes he’s nervous etc).

However, my toddler took herself to the toilet in our house, then shouted for me when she needed her bum wiping ( as is normal for ourhouse) he got up at the same time as me and I assumed he was going to check on his step daughter who was playing alone in our house at that point. He wasn’t; he opened the toilet door and went to wipe my toddlers bum. Thankfully I was only a step behind him, slid myself between him and her and closed the door, saying that I would do it. My toddler looked terrified at someone she just met an hour earlier being in the bathroom with her ( she’s fairly shy and had barely spoken to him).
it made me REALLY uncomfortable, but I tried to think maybe he was just trying to be helpful although it couldn’t shake being uncomfortable.

later the same day me, my partner, my friend and the new boyfriend went for dinner with their 1 child, our toddler and our 8m old. During dinner our toddler asked her dad to pass some crayons, and the boyfriend seemingly misheard and said “ oh you need the toilet , I’ll take you, come on”. Before I even had chance to interject my partner had immediately said no and passed her the crayons she had actually asked for.

the boyfriend also undermined us several times ( for health reasons we don’t allow our toddler commercial desserts because we can’t measure the sugar in them) their daughter was having a dessert and we had said our toddler could have fruit ( she’s normally very happy with this), she had a bit of envy and asked why she couldn’t have chocolate brownies too and I explained it, she accepted it and then immediately after, the boyfriend said “ don’t listen to mummy uncle will buy you a brownie”. Again we stopped this, but there was a few incidents throughout the day of this nature.

I have real concerns as to his safety around small girls although I have nothing more than my opinion/ feelings to present to my friend.

my friend has text asking “ what do you think?”
would it be unreasonable based on the described incident above to answer her honestly saying that I have some concerns or should I give a safe answer of “ yeah he seems nice”.

She previously ignored your views, so I wouldn't bother being honest

IRL, none of my friends have ever said "tell me, honestly, what do you think of my new BF". It sounds a bit immature

eeuurrghhhh….i get funny vibes off him thru the post.

listen to your intuition.

if you said something to your friend how do you think she’d reply? would she tell him what you’ve said and then he will no doubt tell her you’re jealous etc etc. or would she listen to you?

The toilet thing is really weird. I would be very uncomfortable with that and I think I would tell your friend. Maybe not over text though.

The brownie thing wouldn't bother me.

I would turn it back to her and say what did she think, had she noticed any possible red flags?

Very difficult. In my experience people who ask for your opinion on a partner don't really want any answer other than 'they're great'. She's not going to dump him based on your opinion and you've already seen the relationship change after your honesty about ExDH....
I would keep it vague and say something nice about him that is true.
You can always speak to her at a later date if you have more incidents where he's been creepy. The examples you have given are really weird but presumably she was also there when they happened.

He sounds odd to say the least. But I'm intrigued that your friend didn't pick up on this very inappropriate behaviour.
Did this really happen as you have told it?

Don't reply by text.

Go out for coffee and tell her the whole thing, cos then you can assess how she's taking it, & talk through with her.
Because as you said, she was there too, so you can say "You know when XYZ happened, I thought that was odd and [whatever else], did you notice that? What did you think?"
If she ignored your feelings last time, it might be better to try to get her to be aware of odd incidents herself, as people come to conclusions better for themselves than being told.
And if she saw those things as you reported them but doesn't think there's an issue when her attention is specifically drawn to them, then you also have your answer, but maybe in a softer way without damaging the friendship again.

What you're saying there is a whole conversation, not a few lines in text, which almost certainly wouldn't come across well.

That is a really, really weird thing to do. To get up and go try to help a child on the toilet, when their parents are right there, and you’re meeting for the first time. Incredibly odd. I can’t imagine a woman doing this, let alone a man. I would have to say something about that and ignore the brownie thing.

I genuinely don’t know. I think she would listen but would 100% try to justify his behaviours in some way because she is desperate to be loved and have “ the perfect family” whatever that is.

I wouldn’t even consider saying something if they didn’t have a small daughter and plan to have another child soon but I wonder if I’m MORALLY bound to raise concerns for the ( potential) safety of her child… I really hope I’ve got him wrong and mis interpreted his behaviours. However I’m not sure how I could live with myself if in 10 years it turned out he had been inappropriate with her daughter and I’d ignored my concerns to keep the ‘peace’.

Meet up with her and tell her or show her this thread

My daughter was abused by a family member my ex allowed to take her to the bathroom so I am extremely over vigilant about these things and my kids don't get to go to the loo with anyone who isn't completely trusted and even then it's nearly always me who takes them. That being said I often offer to take friends kids to the loo with mine or change babies bums to give them a break but it would be weird to offer and then basically insist on doing it to someone's kids you've never met before. I'd maybe say something like he seems to make you happy but mention that his insistence on taking my toddler to the loo made me uncomfortable.

Given your concern is about the safety of her child, I think you need to say something but you need to expect the friendship to be over. Which is better than having to pretend hes fine and come into contact with your own child again.

It's absolutely not a text conversation. Ignore the text, wait a few days and organise a face to face coffee. I k ow you've said it's difficult but I think this situation warrants he effort.

Just tell her it's what she and her daughter thinks that matters, and that you don't comment on things like this anymore. Then keep your distance from him.

The toilet thing is a weird so yes I'd raise it. It allows her to consider whether or he behaves appropriately with her daughter.

The brownie thing, honestly I'd feel sorry for your kid not getting a bit of brownie, i think most people would, so I'd ignore that.

I don't see why you can't say that he seems nice but you found his offer to give intimate care to your toddler, strange.

I think you need to reference the inappropriate behaviour with regard to the toilet as it's really not a normal thing to do, did she not think it was a inappropriate way to behave, did she not say anything at the time to him? If she stays with him you will never be comfortable with him around your children so your relationship will change for ever. Her child is her responsibility, you can only raise the red flags with her.

It’s possible that his apparent over-eagerness to deal with toileting small children is due to him being blurry about normal practice because he doesn’t have children and has only recently taken on a ‘stepfather’ role to your friend’s child. What would concern me most here is your friend’s poor judgement in living with a man and having him be a ‘stepfather’ to her young child within less than a year of being in a relationship with him — she shouldn’t have even introduced him to her child yet, far less moved him in and be planning a baby!

I think it’s a weird dynamic that you didn’t meet him, seemingly, until he was already living with her. The time to ask you what you thought of him would have been months ago, before he’d moved in!

I would not reply by text but would probably say, in person, that him going into the bathroom to wipe the bottom of a frightened toddler he’d only just met showed incredibly poor judgement, and that I had concerns about the speed with which he’d been introduced into her own child’s life as a father-figure.

I know it sounds far fetched. But I was genuinely so shocked. My friend was outside making a phone call when the toilet thing in our house happened. She was sat there at the table in the restaurant though, didn’t seem to pick up on it at all.

my friend did tell him off for the brownie thing though.

( im much less concerned by that though as he was in all likelihood trying to be endearing to our daughter not understanding that as a diabetic doing so could throw her sugars out for 24 hrs plus!).

The toilet thing is inappropriate and I would tell her as much. We can't be too careful with our children. You wouldn't for example now let her babysit your child when you know he will be there. Undermining the parents is a red flag too, its a potential grooming tactic.

Not personally warming to him isn’t something I would mention tbh. The toilet thing is weird though, I don’t know anyone who would find it appropriate when they are a stranger to the child. I also don’t like the ‘don’t listen to mummy’ when talking about the brownie. He obviously has boundary issues, he oversteps. I’d tell her that I think he overstepped but it’s strange she asks you what you think of her boyfriends in the first place. Why does she feel the need to seek validation?

Maybe she is asking because she has concerns and wants to see if they are valid. I'd definitely mention it. Her child is vulnerable.

We’re not cruel, she’s unstable diabetic and we have to be super careful about everything she eats. I’d love for her to be able to enjoy things like other toddlers. I’m not a super perfect sugar free organic mum by any stretch. But as I replied on another thread I can forgive this as just being endearing. It was probably a poor example to use but there were several ‘ don’t listen to mummy’ incidents which in combination with the toilet incidents were red flags to me.

Not really, it sounds as though she had doubts herself.

I told a friend what I thought of her partner, no small children involved thankfully. I lost her as a friend. She told me a couple of things he had done and said , she wasn’t allowed the heating on unless he was at home as one example. DH despised that man from day one in the almost 30 years I have known DH he has passed negative comments on people twice, I also didn’t like him.

I would be saying something, you owe it to your friend, I would lose a friend over this. His behaviour is far from ok. I have worked with survivors of abuse. Very sadly they can remain vulnerable and also predators are very good at spotting this they make a beeline and they are clever at hiding their true selves. It is why some women end up in continual cycles of abuse.

You need to speak to her face to face, many predators target single Mothers for access to their children. Maybe contact the NSPCC or look at their website for advice.