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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

525 replies

dietirnbruqueen · 04/02/2024 21:09

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

OP posts:
ZoChan · 04/02/2024 21:45

Good for him, setting boundaries for himself as a teen. Well done you for installing this in him. Follow what he wants to do. Ignore any messages from the mother

ZephrineDrouhin · 04/02/2024 21:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

thatneverhappened · 04/02/2024 21:54

God, I'd be proud OP. Message mum back and say mini dietienbru hasn't seen anything. Plenty of other kids do vouch or teachers could pay more attention. Your son deserves to be opted out

TinySaltLick · 04/02/2024 21:55

Yeah I'd tell them to do one

Hankunamatata · 04/02/2024 21:56

I wouldn't message back. I'd block her number

AmiablePedant · 04/02/2024 21:57

Gosh what smug viciousness on this thread already. If it were my own son, I might have a few words about what it means to take the higher ground, be a mensch, or simply tell the truth.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/02/2024 21:58

Karna's a bitch

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/02/2024 21:59

Is she/her son on glue?! Asking for your son's involvement after what was done to him?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2024 22:00

It's very complicated because it's clear this boy has made up bullying before. Could he be making it up again?

Not sure I'd be teaching my child that revenge is good. I'm more of a 'the best revenge is to live well' sort and I want DD to be as well.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/02/2024 22:01

I can totally understand why he would react in the way he is. I wouldn't blame him. And it may be a more complicated story hence his silence. However, I would talk to him about how if he has witnessed bullying it would be good if he felt able to speak up about it, having experienced it himself. Ultimately nobody deserves to be bullied. But it would be expecting a high level of emotional maturity from your son and I wouldn't demand it.

Codlingmoths · 04/02/2024 22:02

Message mum back and say I’m sorry this is happening to your son, we know what it’s like. I asked my son and he says your son’s lies made his primary school years miserable and he is having nothing to do with anything involving him. For all he knows it will set your child off lying about mine again. I can see why he feels that way, they were long difficult years for him and us as his parents, so he won’t be able to help.

AutumnFroglets · 04/02/2024 22:06

There is nothing you can do, unless you bully and force your son into making a statement against his wishes.

This is your son's choice, and after suffering bullying himself, will be well aware of what it can mean. He might also be worried that in helping, those other bullies might turn on him instead. That can happen.

ConciseQueen · 04/02/2024 22:12

Don’t try to score some kind of moral point or dredge up the past. There’s nothing to be gained from it.

Take yourself out of this loop. Make it clear you are not getting DC involved.

’I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not going to bring this up with MiniDietirnbru because he is not involved. I hope the school can get it resolved for you.’

ConcertaFirstTimer · 04/02/2024 22:16

I really don't think anyone should put pressure on him to behave in a way that goes against his instinct.

You could say, because of their past history I think it's best if my son doesn't get involved, but I hope you resolve it soon. Or, I think my son might prefer to stay out of this, and given their history, I must respect that.

ConcertaFirstTimer · 04/02/2024 22:16

@ConciseQueen's reply is perfect.

likepebblesonabeach · 04/02/2024 22:20

I wouldn't be making your son get involved.
I think he's taken a very mature decision to not get involved in a situation that has nothing to do with him.
I'd be very proud of him

BobbyBiscuits · 04/02/2024 22:21

I fail to see what this kid's mother expects you to do? Just ignore it or send a sympathetic 'oh that sounds stressful for you, sending my love' kind of message.
Kids stuff is exactly that. It's unfortunate that your son experienced this bullying from the other child.
This happened to me once where the school fully believed my accusor and the perp was never disciplined, it led me to leave the school. So I fully see you might think of it as a bit of karma. But kids do change a lot. I'd say just keep a distance from it and just be supportive of your son.

Crumpleton · 04/02/2024 22:25

As PP's say I wouldn't let your DS get dragged into this the last thing he needs is these bullies, if that's what is happening, turning on him.

Maray1967 · 04/02/2024 22:28

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Jewish schools teach restorative justice, not an eye for an eye!

Maray1967 · 04/02/2024 22:28

And he’d have to give up more than just bacon …

TempestTost · 04/02/2024 22:34

I would tell my child that he is allowing his moral actions to be dependent on the actions of others, giving up his moral and ethical autonomy, and that I'd be disappointed to see that happen.

Feliciacat · 04/02/2024 22:34

I think your son is quite right to opt out. That boy made his life hell and your son deserves to not have to get involved. As a pp said, the bullies could turn on him if he got involved so why put himself at risk for someone who was happy to get him in trouble?

Side note; there’s lots of talk of Judaism on this thread. Did I miss something in the OP? Is the family Jewish? It doesn’t matter at all of course, I just wondered why there were so many mentions of Judaism.

MyStarBoy · 04/02/2024 22:35

It’s your DS’s choice and it’s the right choice on so many levels.

He bullied your DS!!

Have you thought about what the bullies might do to your DS in retaliation??

uggwibble · 04/02/2024 22:36

Ignore ignore ignore.

I also wonder if the new allegation is 100% true or not?

The other boy sounds like a troublemaker, and I also wonder if his mum is now "setting things up" - planning to play the other side and tell other parents your son is grassing them up and planning to make a complaint about them.

With this kind of obsessive jealousy, your DS is probably upsetting the boy just by being himself and getting on with his life.

It's very weird that the mum has asked you to ask him, rather than anyone else?

Keep a safe distance and your DS is doing the right thing 100% in distancing himself.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2024 22:37

I'd not respond and would block her.