Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

No way, id have messaged before even talking to her saying what he said. Karma. I feel bad that hes being bullied but its not your sons responsibility especially seeing as this kid bullied him.

Yes, but I also wouldn't happily sit by and let my DC bully others.
I doubt that OP's son is thick skinned enough to expect help from someone who made up lies about him.
Especially as there must be others in the class that can be witnesses. Why target OP's son?

Also... if he's a liar who knows if he's telling the truth. Remember the boy who cried wolf?

Agree but I don't think it's about karma or getting revenge. It's about protecting his emotional and mental health.

I'm a very caring person who will and does help many people in many ways. I believe in doing the right thing and making the world a better place. Yet those who bullied me in school, I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. They have no place in my life and to open that door would be traumatic. Some things stay with you for life.

Your son should tell the school. You can block the mum all you want, your son doesn't have to be friendly with him or even acknowledge him, but he should tell the truth and help someone in need. Because that is just the right thing to do and being vindictive won't help him in life.

I agree.
Your son isn’t being asked to step in and stop the bullying, or be friends with this boy, or fight the bullies off. He’s simply being asked to verify the facts. He just needs to say “yes, I’ve seen X,Y,Z bullying A at school”.

I would ignore her, block her and further encourage your DS to have nothing to do with it. We don't know if this is made up or if he will once again turn on your DS. Either way it is not his circus or monkeys.

Your DS sounds amazing sticking to his guns!

Your son spent years suffering at the hand of this bully (which is what he is, even if the bullying was mental/emotional rather than physical).

Don't force him to get involved with other bullies, who could turn on him too, if he doesn't want to.

And this other boy and his mum don't sound like they'd be in his corner if that does happen. They'd probably just be happy it was your son getting beaten up after school every day rather than him.

Yes, and DS emotional wellbeing has to be OPs priority here. Although practically speaking, she can't necessarily make a secondary aged child say something they don't want to say anyway.

Son should tell school if he has seen anything. And be truthful if asked.

But if this mum thinks her son is being bullied, she needs to follow the school's bullying process

I wonder if she has contacted you because she thinks your DS is involved (and perhaps even still believes her DS's version of events from before).

I 100% back your DS to stay out of it completely.

He does not need to be involved in any way and I would def support him in this.
He doesn't owe that boy/mum anything and I think for his metal health he should steer clear.
And I am usually a get involved type of person but not this time!

My kids are fairly young but is this how bullying gets sorted in secondary school? Mums get onto the mums they know and gather evidence and witnesses? Will the schools even take the word of some child who's stepping forward like that? Why aren't the teachers being asked to be witnesses and not this guy? Regardless of boundaries or karma or whatever I just feel the whole thing is a bit strange. My son is having issues in primary school and I wouldn't dream of asking his best friends mom to get him involved. It just seems really strange.

And when you bully your own son into taking an action he has a very good reason to not get involved in, and when the bullies then turn on your son instead, what will you say to him?

I would encourage him to speak up.

It probably doesn’t happen during class and it doesn’t sound like they hang out

It’s really spiteful and unpleasant. I can understand why OP feels how she does because it’s her son, but the rest of the glee is horrible to see.

I so agree with what people are saying on here, what happens if he 'snitches' (which it is really because that's how kids will see it and it's kids we are talking about) and then he gets bullied? Leave well alone!

For me, there would be two things that I would want to discuss with my DC. One would be that if he is asked by the school, he should tell the truth, no more no less. Lying isn't ok on any circumstance of this kind. The second would be that I'd really encourage him to tell me more if what he has seen or thinks he's seen. I say to my DD quite often that if I don't know the truth, I can't help her navigate what to do to either stay out of trouble at school, not upset somebody who she is friends with, etc. When she then does share with me, we talk about what she wants to do and what active she could or should/shouldn't take. I never say 'well you must do xyz', although I do encourage her to tell the truth if asked. With DD it's more about friendships and who is doing what activity with who and who gets invited etc but it's not unsimilar in terms of just navigating this stuff.

And sometimes I hear things and think.... Ok this is a bit of a line and we need to talk about why a different approach is needed. She knows I'm absolutely on her side and is gradually beginning to share more with me.

So I'd encourage him to be open with you so you can help him should this escalate.

Would also reply to the mum with one of the suggestions here about not getting involved etc.

I'm with you son on this. It's not his problem and he is correct not to get involved.

Good for him x

Your son was reverse bullied. I understand his point BUT if he has witnessed the bullying he should say so. Any type of bullying is unacceptable. He doesn’t need to wade in and defend the boy (though he could) but if he knows it’s happening he should confirm it.

I wondered this too. OP really can't take any of this at face value, not considering the history.

And I would be concerned that he already feels anxious about this situation which is why he is adamant that he won’t become involved.

The replies on here this morning truly saddens me. Eye for an eye and all of that crap. Attitudes like these never solve any issue.

Of course your ds is totally within his rights to stay out of this if he so wishes to. However, happy and content children do not go around bullying others for the sake of it.

It’s already been mentioned the boy who was bullying has emotional issues so there is most likely something deeper going on in his life. You say his mother panders to him but do you have any idea what’s going on in their lives? Why she does that?

I don’t think I could rest easy knowing someone was struggling and I may be able to say something to ease the situation. I’ve taught my dc to acknowledge what is right morally in life.

Dd tried to be a Good Samaritan and reported something similar to the school and got dragged into a world of trouble that was nothing to do with her. Lesson learned.

I think he's right to stay out of it, why should he involve himself in something for a person who lied about him and made him miserable for years. Why should he put himself at risk of them turning on him for this kid