Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I wrote my comment after reading that the OP had said her son knew the bullying was going on. Now she’s drip fed that he hasn’t actually witnessed the bullying, obviously she shouldn’t be lying to the head. 🙄

Fact is, OP never at any point said her son had witnessed bullying. Her posts have been caveated right from the start. Some of you just made made assumptions.

I do wonder if hand wringing and moralizing ever managed to make someone actually feel bad, as opposed to cementing their position in the opposite camp.

Good for your son for keeping totally out of it, anyway. This boy’s situation isn’t in any way his responsibility, and nor are any of the possible outcomes.

The school he’s at is a large high school (I think roughly 1800 children) and it has a really cross section of pupils from various backgrounds as it takes in a large portion of the town we live in.

it wouldn’t surprise me if this child is being bullied because it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard of bullying at the school (involving different children)- that being said most schools probably have their fair share of it.

I’m confident that if my son did see anything and was asked directly by the school that he’d tell the truth. As a quick update, my husband had a chat to him last night on the way to football training and he just said that he’s heard there’s been some comments made to the boy by a group of boys in the year that he doesn’t know particularly well. I suspect it’s teasing tbh. My DH said that my son mentioned that these boys are not a group that he wishes to cross as they can be a bit intimidating and he (at the moment) has no issues with them and hasn’t seen anything related to the boy who claims he’s being bullied. I think my DH mentioned to him that if he does see anything and is asked by the school then he should be honest.

Hopefully that satisfies the people who think I’m the worst mother in the world 😂

At no point before her update did the OP say her son knew the bullying was going on. What she actually said was that the mother had messaged her and said that OP’s son was in a few classes with her son and may have seen something. Then she updated to say that she had had a word with her son and he said he hadn’t actually witnessed it. So all he has is hearsay - he didn’t see anything, so nothing to report.

Personally OP if this was my son I'd tell him to keep well out of it even if school do ask him - he should just say he doesn't know anything about it. Hearing gossip isn't the same as seeing it. And if it's just comments, this could well be the boy being 'sensitive'. Equally it may be actual real bullying but without seeing it himself your son has no way of knowing. And no need to put himself in potential harms way for this kid, who has a history of making shit up. Consequences...

Agree with both posters on this response thread. As to @ladyluck13 's comment, what you have described is precisely the recipe for allowing others to walk all over us. Discouraging children from asserting personal boundaries, particularly when they, too, have been victims of bullying and in this case at the hands of the child concerned, isn't a useful lesson to be instilling in them. This child has a lot more common sense than some of the adults commenting here. He isn't wanting revenge, or to get his own back, or shouting 'Ha! "Karma" (this isn't what karma means, BTW). He's simply asserting his own right to get on with his schooling unmolested, and not to involve himself in issues which are not of his making and could bring a whole lot more trouble to his door.

Kudos to him. Nobody respects a pushover.

To be clear: bullying is a serious issue. It's a scourge. In no sense have I ever or would I ever make light of it. Children have taken their lives over it. Which is precisely why it needs dealing with appropriately and by properly qualified people who are well-versed in safeguarding.

Corralling uninvolved bystanders - particularly attempting to make this the responsibility of another child who was previously victim to the boy who is victim now - is beyond inapprorpriate. Not only is this a very ineffective way of dealing with this issue, it's arguably a safeguarding issue in its own right.

This mother needs to leave OP and her son alone and seek help through the right channels. This is in their interests as much as those of OP's family.

You are definitely NOT. The worst mother in the world. Your son is still a child but you must still to some extent respect his wishes. Deep down he might be terrified that he could be the next victim. Protect your own at all costs. And asking him to speak the truth if asked is the right thing to do. If this other child was knowingly getting really bullied your son could tell you and you could phone the school anonymously.

Haven't been a member for long but I didn't realize there were no moderators to delete mean, uncalled for comments like yours:

@Nantescalling - there are, and they are usually good at responding. The site is too big to monitor continually, so they do rely on reports from users to flag any inappropriate comments.

Hear here.
My son was bullied in school yesterday and his teacher has spoken with the whole class today on what doing/saying nothing could mean if you didn’t as an adult and has encouraged them to speak out if they see something going on.
I completely understand why your son wants no involvement OP. But if he does know anything, I think it would be the right thing to say something but make clear that you want no involvement other than confirming what was known.

dietirnbruqueen · 05/02/2024 16:25
Quick chat with my DS when I picked him up from school.

from what he knows the boy is being bullied - hasn’t seen it directly but he said isn’t interested at all and has no plans to dig for more information as the boy is difficult and still really unpleasant.

OP wrote this a day before your comment - no drip feeding at all.
So again you are wrong. OP did not drip feed, you have just chosen not to read her posts properly

People on here do spout some rubbish at times, I doubt many would really want their child who has already been through bullying to put themselves at risk of being bullied again for sticking up for the kid that made their child miserable

No way would I expect ds to get involved if the kid who bullied him last year and who organised a load of his mates to follow him after school and beat him up was being bullied. Sod that

@TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow

I know totally agree with you,
some people do speak hypocritical bullshit 🙄 here at times,
they say one thing on here online in theory a but.

I freely admit that I am a cynic.

But when you say that the boys that may be bullying the other child can be intimidating and that this child has already made your child's life hell.

I wonder if he wants to be able to tell these boys that it was your DS that dropped them in the mire.

Not only does he get to stop these alleged bullies to stop "bullying" and gets them to bully your DS.
It would be a win win for him.

And for those that say 'he would never do this', 'Children don't do this'. As a teacher I have seen children (male and female) do exactly this.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose Children of 9/10 do not have the emotional maturity or social skills or experience to fully understand the consequences of their/other people's actions and need adults to guide, explain, put things in context - so, this goes for both the bully and the bullied. Children's brains are not fully developed until 25 years - so a 9/10 year old is still v v young.

Children bully when they have overwhelming bad feelings about themselves, when they have been bullied, when they have been abused, when they are modelling bullying they have witnessed, when they haven't been taught not to bully. How adults around them help them has a huge impact, for the better or worse.

Competent staff understand this and help all children by understanding causes and teaching empathy and giving appropriate and sufficient etc. Parents responding appropriately can also have a very positive impact.

Mostly in primary school kids will both bully and be bullied at various times - trying to make this black and white or good kid vs bad kid is wrong thinking and not helpful.

Sorry I meant to @FrippEnos not @MyGooseisTotallyLoose

@FrippEnos Children of 9/10 do not have the emotional maturity or social skills or experience to fully understand the consequences of their/other people's actions and need adults to guide, explain, put things in context - so, this goes for both the bully and the bullied. Children's brains are not fully developed until 25 years - so a 9/10 year old is still v v young.

Children bully when they have overwhelming bad feelings about themselves, when they have been bullied, when they have been abused, when they are modelling bullying they have witnessed, when they haven't been taught not to bully. How adults around them help them has a huge impact, for the better or worse.

Competent staff understand this and help all children by understanding causes and teaching empathy and giving appropriate and sufficient etc. Parents responding appropriately can also have a very positive impact.

Mostly in primary school kids will both bully and be bullied at various times - trying to make this black and white or good kid vs bad kid is wrong thinking and not helpful.

When you say the same friendship group as primary, do you mean the whole group went together from primary to secondary?

Yes.

His close friends with whom he attended nursery (attached to the primary) then primary and then on to secondary school.

He has been friends with most of these boys since he was 3/4 years old with no issue.

So you'll obviously have lots of sympathy for this new group of dc who are being called bullies as well I presume?

@washitov

So at what age are you going to allow the child in question to take responsibility for their actions?
All you have done so far is excuse what they have done and blamed other people.

You're right. Proof is in the pudding - I reported and they deleted - great stuff!

Thanks for the reply. You said upthread "I think my son might be the only person in the class who’s known the child since primary school" so I assumed from that only the two had gone from primary to secondary together.

No sorry if that wasn’t clear.

there is a class where this mum thinks they are the only two from primary school (or this is what I have inferred from her message). I haven’t actually questioned that with my son but since he’s not seen anything I’m not about to start asking more questions of him.

lots of my son’s friends from primary school are with him. He also has a lot of friends from his football team who’ve ended up at the same
high school. The lad who accused him of bullying isn’t in his circle at all and as I said he does not engage with this boy at all.

I think that what the other poster meant about popularity, is that popularity in itself isn't an indication of how nice a child (or adult) is, and getting on with the same kids since primary doesn't mean one thing or the other as you get some pretty toxic groups enduring as well as nice relationship groups enduring. As in, being popular doesn't mean one thing or another, there will be other factors involved.

In relation to sensitive children or children who struggle with emotions, at 9/10 the frontal lobe or the control centre in the brain of some kids will be more developed than in others, so the frontal lobe of kids who struggle with emotional things might be slightly behind and reasons for this could be anything from the child being gifted (slower development of frontal lobe can be a feature of bright children) or trauma or neural things and it is often a temporary thing and children like that go on to be more emotionally intelligent and thereby successful than average.

I might have misread what you wrote but I got the feeling you thought that kids who were popular are superior in some way or it is evidence that they are doing better generally and I don't think it is, or, at least, it isn't necessarily.

Obviously this is not to do with other things such as bullying allegations which you have mentioned, this is just to do with the whole popular vs not popular perceived judgements which I think have irked some posters.

I hope that your dc can continue to enjoy school life, and not be too negatively affected by the past, and that the bullying situation for the other child can be resolved for him too.