Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

Thanks for reaffirming what I thought.

I’ve quietly had a word with him there and just told him that I fully respect his decision to remain neutral/silent and I’ll message the mum back politely. I’ve used @ConciseQueen response as it’s perfect (and doesn’t mention/allude to any history)

I do think the boy is actually being bullied now and it’s not a made up allegation. It’s a shame and I abhor bullying but I think protecting my son is also important in this situation.

I’ve messaged* not I’ll message

I would ask my child if they could give me one statement I would forward on and not be further involved, to be perfectly honest if my son had this attitude I would actually think it is not healthy for him

Sure on the surface I could totally understand it but doesn't make it healthy

I'm afraid I'd be tempted to message back. Is he actually being bullied this time????

It's shit for the boy but nothing to with your son. They are out of order trying to get your son involved after what he was put through. It's actually really off to me. Good for your son saying no way.

I would wonder this too. Is.this boy making it up and trying to destroy how well things are for him now?

It is absolutely nothing to do with your son and he owes this other kid nothing. It’s not up to your son to solve this problem, not least because your son is a child and doesn’t have to shoulder the responsibility for settling a bullying case at his school when the adults involved (ie the school and the parents) should be settling it themselves.

Are you aware that this comes across as antisemitic?

I understand your son's attitude and respect that you are allowing him to make this decision and supporting him. BUT I am horrified at so many adults here crowing about Karma. I'm sure if any of your DC were being bullied you would be angry with anyone (adult or child) who witnessed it and did nothing.

So a boy with emotional problems is getting bullied and their are a bunch of mums on here crowing about karma etc because of something he did when he was 9/10. I have no particular opinion about whether the OP's son should make a statement but some of you need some bloody compassion.

I can totally see why your son doesn't want to help the kid who made his life miserable. I admit that in his shoes I might also refuse to get involved. I'm pretty bad for holding a grudge.

But there is something which concerns me. If he knowingly allows these kids to carry on bullying somebody, it contributes to the overall bullying culture in that school, and specifically encourages these particular kids to do it. They know the bystanders will keep quiet. They think it's okay to behave this way. They'll be turning their attentions to other victims in due course.

"My son went through hell with your sons bullying of him in primary school. He doesn't want to get drawn into any stress again. I'm sorry this is happening to your son and I hope you get it sorted but my son won't be getting involved".

What a bizarre comment.

I think your son has every right to have boundaries and not be drawn into this situation.. given how badly he was effected by this boys issues before. It's sad for the boy but your son is quite right to protect himself and prioritise his own mental health.

I will ask for my post to be taken down. It wasn't meant to be anti Semitic and I'm horrified that its seen that way. I am very sorry and apologise to anybody who was offended.

Your son has absolutely ZERO duty to get involved. None. Zip. Nada. Anyone saying otherwise is a liar and probably has a bully for a child.

Obvs don't know the facts here, but I do know that mothers are in denial when their children are bullies.

Exactly, it’s about the bully making reparations, not about the victim being able to get their own back!

Agree with PP. Respect your son's decision. Ignore the mum's message or reply with a short 'ds doesn't want to get involved after what happened at primary school'.

You can see why some people on here end up like doormats.

I'm not saying the bullying is karma or that the kid deserves it but what he definitely doesn't deserve is the loyalty of the op's son! Why should he put himself in the firing line of the bullies when he's already had a rough time in the last year of primary. I think you've done the right thing OP,.

Because it is not all black and white and knee jerk dramatic 'oh if you don't think like this then you must be this' doesn't need to use many brain cells

Not sure of the intelligence level of some of the comments - and thinking of how to actually help the victim even if it may actual be beneficial to others does not make a doormat

maybe if parents did more thinking and actually teach their kids as they develop may actually make less bullies rather than the 'well if someone looks at my child the wrong way I will rip them apart' type dramatic scenarios they probably learnt in the playground when they were kids themselves

I was thinking this.

OP

Perfect answer and you are a better person than I am.

I think the mum has a bit of a nerve asking for your son to get involved but I guess she’s desperate.

I would be encouraging my child to be truthful if asked about it.

I wouldn't want to get involved. He has made false accusations in the past. His mother mad the school dodged him no favours in primary school. Has your son witnessed any bullying towards this boy in school? I would be sympathetic to the situation if it's occurring, but I wouldn't be involving myself given the history, no.