Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I think I’d do the same in your position OP, definitely right to not reference the history.

However, if I actually thought he specifically had witnessed something, I would expect him to be truthful if a teacher asks him about it. At the moment it’s just that he’s in the same class so is one of a whole group who might have seen what happened. There’s a difference between not getting involved and actively lying, which protects the bullies.

My DS was bullied by another boy during primary for 18 months. Made my son hate himself, self harm, get shingles - it was awful. Mum was a friend of mine and worked in children’s services, she categorically denied her darling boy could do any wrong. It eventually stopped when DS thumped the bully. Anyway, bully went off to a different secondary school where he had to leave as he was so badly bullied. It knocked him down a peg or two and he became a much nicer teenager, DS and he were reconciled.

I would support your son in whatever decision he feels is best for him.

Yep. Bizarre advice. Given he was only a child and may very well had reasons for feeling bullied back then too.

I would say if approached by teacher or anyone asks directly be honest.

But i wouldnt expect your son to involve himself, hes tried hard to gain distance from him, i wouldn't want him sucked back in again or latched onto again.

I think this is one of those times where the best response is no response. I probably wouldn't block her as she's not harassing you but I just wouldn't reply.

I agree that your son shouldn't lie if asked a direct question but saying, "I don't want to get involved," is a perfectly reasonable answer, and probably the safest given the background.

He is absolutely entitled to protect himself by refusing to be drawn in (however innocuous the initial involvement might seem - there's no such thing as a safe level of engagement where some people, particularly liars, are concerned) and continuing to give this person a wide berth.

I think you'd be well advised to take the same approach with this boy's mother.

If your son has made his decision I think you should respect that because he was clearly traumatised by his experience at the hands of this child. Hopefully there will be other witnesses to the bullying but forcing your son to risk coming into direct contact with him again could be damaging and that should be the priority.

Totally support your son
Why should he get drawn in and risk being bullied himself for someone who made his life hellish
Teen years are difficult enough to navigate
Dont even respond

I think your son has done well to move on and I would respect his decision not to be drawn in to the drama. Protect his MH, support him (and it sounds like you are) and ensure he is priority.

In this instance I think being the bystander is fine. He has suffered enough because of this boy. It is not his job to now rescue his former tormentor. Who is to say that this boy won't try and drag his name through the dirt again. He should continue to steer well clear. The school and the parents can deal with the bullying.

If your DS was the only person in the world who could help here I'd maybe see the case for him to be the better person but he's obviously not. The school should be dealing with it and his parents should be talking to them not you.

I think rather than cheek, the mothers’ instinct to protect her son is what prompted her to contact OP, and the irony probably isn’t lost on her. I agree that OP’s son has made quite a mature decision not to get involved, and his choice should be respected - not for reasons of Karma, but in deference to the fact that he has clearly been traumatised by what he suffered at the hands of this child and doesn’t want to be drawn into what, for him, must feel a very similar and therefore uncomfortable situation.

Your son shouldn't have to have this boy back in his life in any way, even speaking up in this event. He might have to go to school with him but making him get involved gets this kid who bullied him closer to his life. I'd protect my son's well being first.

No sorry, if someone is being bullied, irrespective of who they are, it needs reporting.

I don’t blame your son for holding on to hurt about being falsely accused op and you can’t force him to do anything. But you can talk to him and discuss the issues. Each to their own but I would be discussing with him how this MIGHT be an opportunity to take the higher road and be the bigger person and life isn’t always about tit for tat.

You need to trust him though if your son says there are other issues at play and this boy is exaggerating again or has done something really nasty to elicit this response in others. Not that physical bullying is ever justified but boys sometimes have a pretty brutal way of handing out a rough justice of sorts.

Just encourage your son to dig deep and think about the reasons WHY he is not reporting it. Is it out of revenge, or hurt, or for other reasons. Are his motives honourable in other words? That’s an old-fashioned expression but can’t think of another word currently 🤫. Maybe get him thinking about why some people have more difficulties negotiating life (like this boy who is being bullied) than others? Make sure he reflects properly on his decision in other words and that it doesn’t come from an impulsive or immature place?

Your son clearly has no intention of getting involved, which is a reasonable position given the way this boy previously treated him and the possibility that he might be trying something again. As such, you need to respect that, and certainly not tell him he should be involving himself if approached. I'd not reply.

Definitely don’t let your son be made to get involved.

In your shoes, I’d expect my son to tell the truth if he had witnessed the bullying.

Refusing to get involved because of some weird sense of karmic justice is why minor disagreements that can easily be resolved with a bit of give and take, turn into dangerous lifelong feuds.

This is how society breaks down because individuals get entrenched in being right and they lose sight of the bigger picture.

I have enormous sympathy for the boy and his mum, what he did was wrong but he was young and kids do strange things.

But.

Your son is right, he has a clear reasonable boundary. Don’t get involved and block the mum.

You should say that it is not reasonable for you, as a mother, to even ask your son to vouch and witness what is happening. (Except do say that you spoke to him and he is not at all bullying the boy.) Point out that your son is still upset by her son's lying and it is unethical to invlove him when he actively tries to steer clear of her son.

Suggest the mother asks the school to put cameras or teacher spies in strategic places to capture what is going on for sure.
Does her son have an idea of where a good camera vantage point would be?
That would be powerful evidence and should lead to the school doing something.
Can the boy himself turn his phone into a camera and have it record what happens?

I couldn’t stand by and let a child get bullied because of something stupid he did at primary school. If it were me, I would encourage your son to make one simple statement confirming that the bullying was happening (assuming it is), and make it clear that that was going to be the extent of your son’s involvement. I wouldn’t want him drawn into the situation (which is clearly all a bit toxic), but I couldn’t bear to think of a child of mine sitting watching bullies at work, and pretending not to see it.

Your ds has set his boundaries out which is right and proper for him. He's not bullying the child so it's up to him if he wants to be involved or not. Back him up.

I'd text the Mum back, tell her that you won't be discussing this with your son as he's not involved and point her in the direction of the school website bullying policy.

Id take it away from your son making the decision and put it all on you. The last thing you need is something cropping up in the future and your ds being accused of not helping the boy. At least he has plausible deny ability if you say you won't even speak to him about it. As this has happened now and the bully has become the person being bullied, the boy might turn on your ds again if he finds out he didn't help.

Very strange responses on this thread.

Ultimately we are trying to raise children of integrity and great moral fibre?

He doesn’t need to involve himself, but encouraging him not to report something wrong because he’s trying to payback something a kid in primary school did to him is wrong.

Id speak to him again and anonymously report so that his name isn’t brought up into it.

But for the people on the thread saying well done, what happens when someone wrongs him as an adult? Say a girlfriend? And he witnesses her being beaten black and blue / he should just move on his merry way ey?

strange

I've spent my life being the bigger person. It reflects my mother's inability to teach me about boundaries and that they are okay to have. It's much healthier to be able to say no and not get taken advantage of.

People seem to be assuming DS isn't reporting out of some sense of what goes around comes around, getting his own back or similar? But that's not what OP has said. What DS has said could just as easily be interpreted as not getting involved because of fear of this boy targeting him again.

If this was my son, I’d be teaching him the importance of standing up for what is right over everything else. Even if it’s for people he doesn’t like, because what is right (in this case standing up against bullying if it’s happening) is more important than getting even.

The posters on this thread saying “good for him” etc are the type of people who are causing society to fall, people who can’t think of others. They are the people bringing up selfish little arses. These are the people who probably post a load of woke nonsense on their Facebook pages

As someone who was bullied at school I'm afraid I would be happy to let my son keep his stance. Karma's a bitch.