Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I personally don’t think you should have been put in this position to begin with. His mum needs to address potential bullying with the school, not involve another child ( particularly when that child has had issues with her son in the past).

With all due respect, when he was making up lies about my son and consistently making his life hell I couldn’t have cared less about his frontal lobe. He lied and lied and at age 9/10 you’re well aware of lies and truth and right from wrong. There are many excuses you can make up but he knew what he was doing.

I mentioned that my son got on well with people not to say that it was a popularity contest or that he was superior but to point out that he bumps along amicably with his peers and has lots of people who like him.

but you knew that.

This is entirely an issue for the boy, his mother and the various members of school staff to work on together, along with the other boys actively engaged in the situation.
Not your son. Not you.
Schools constantly ask that parents don’t try and sort out problems in school with outside action, there are policies and strategies that the school can use to avoid the issues escalating.
OP’s son has said he doesn’t want to get involved, parents expect that if the staff asks him directly, he won’t lie. That seems entirely reasonable.
I don’t understand the problem of a 14 year old setting boundaries to protect himself, and his parents respecting them.

@washitov

At what age are you going to stop making excuses up for the bullies?

You asked when children start to take responsibility in another post. It depends a lot on the adults around them and how they are treated. When are you going to stop putting unreasonable demands and expectations on children?

I would reasonably expect a 9/10 to not lie/bully.

your expectations of children are pretty low @washitov i actually dread to think what kind of behaviour you let your own children away with under the guise of “their frontal lobe hasn’t developed.”

But I knew what, what do you mean? With all due respect, your first description of the child was sensitive and over emotional. Nothing about bullying was described at all. It was as though you thought sensitive and over emotional was some kind of character flaw. As I said, I think that what you have said has annoyed other posters, whether you care about that or not.

As to the bullying allegations, there were four children in dc's class in primary who could have been described as you have described the "sensitive" boy and not one single one bullied other children. Most children like that tend to spend most of their energy coping with what is going on around them. It just does not fit the profile to be devising and launching a smear campaign about one of the popular children. I doubt very much the sensitive boy's mother would be contacting you if her child had conducted a smear campaign about your son. So quite a lot of this doesn't make sense - far from me "knowing" something.

What I do know is that you have not appreciated much of the advice here and there are four or five posters who follow you around and have made it their life's work to insult other posters, calling them supercilious etc. What exactly was the point of this thread? If you just wanted people to say karma and how great you are, you should have put that in your opening post. I would have kept away, for one.

As I said, I hope that both your dc and the other dc get through all this okay. Good luck to you.

And your true character is now showing... my dc was most definitely not bullying or lying at 9/10 and was never accused of doing so, so you are barking up the wrong tree. As I say, good luck to you.

Its no unreasonable to ask that children of 9/10 treat the people around them with respect. That when they know that their behaviour upsets other children/people that they modify their behaviour to prevent harm to others.
Yes the adults around should be there to help and guide.
By refusing to allow children to accept responsibility for the harm that they cause is doing that child no favours at all.

But you are refusing to give a direct answer to the question.

My true character…lol.

I’ve been very clear that my son was bullied and addition to this the child had some sort of emotional problem.

As other posters have said, you’re oddly fascinated with somehow putting my son down when he’s done nothing wrong.

It’s tedious explaining the point of the post to you again and you’re keen to insult other posters. If you have difficulty understanding then leave the thread instead of making excuses for bullies.

I agree massively, motivation is important here.

if it’s simply that your sons current social standing(potential of being bullied agaun) / previous experience of bullying makes him want no involvement , that’s understandable.

but if it’s a revenge, ‘he’s brought this on himself’ mindset like many commenters are making id feel disappointed .

Do you mean the author's son or the autistic one?

What actions does ops son have to take responsibility for, and which child has been diagnosed with autism?

Sorry, still don't understand. Which boy are you talking about?

What? There's only 2 children, the ops son, and the boy who made up lies about him previously and now wants him to vouch for him.

'the child in question to take responsibility for their actions?' Which boy?

'the child in question to take responsibility for their actions?' Which boy?

The boy that bullied the OP's DS.

Your son made the right choice

I’d do the same as your son. And you need to tell the boys mum that it’s none of your business and to leave you alone

OK, quite agree ! Rough justice if it's his turn now.

I think you have done the right thing. My understanding is that the other boy is claiming that he is being bullied but your son has NOT actually witnessed anything, it's all hearsay, so he has nothing to report.

Bearing in mind the history between them, it's quite understandable that your son doesn't want to get involved.

Don't you think being popular is a good way to avoid bullying? If lots of kids have your back, the can stick up for you.

Quite agree. Can't think why a loving Mum would push her son into the arena again when he has had such a bad experience with the supposed victim.