Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I think this is the wisest thing to do. The boys are in high school now and this woman isn’t your friend, there’s no need for her to be messaging you at all.

Just stay out of all the drama, as your son is doing.

My son was bullied physically and verbally at school for years 4 and 5 y a child with undiagnosed at the time neurodiversity and emotional issues. When it moved online in yr6 as they all got phones and school were still unable to manage the child we got the police involved that was the only thing that made a difference.

The parents are scumbags but I still have some compassion for the kid themselves theyre a struggling kid after all.

If this was my son I'd understand why he'd not want to get involved but in my view if he knew something and didn't say something I would be disappointed as it remains the right thing to do. We were reliant on others coming forward to school with what they'd seen as other child was very good at lying about my sons behaviour to justify his own so he knows how important it is to support and be supported by others id certainly be encouraging him to speak up.
I seem to be in the minority here though

Let the school handle it.

It's not appropriate for the parent to try to insert your son into drama that's he's not a part of. The school haven't asked for his opinion.

Ultimately what he did in primary was wrong, but that doesn’t mean he deserves to actually have been bullied because of it. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Well in my experince primary school bullies who do not get any help or interventions for being a bully - don’t stop their behaviour. They are protected in junior school as they have one class and one teacher.

in high school kids are more savvy and avoid the bullies at all costs - they seek out like minded friends.

DD was bullied. Her bully in high school had no friends - not DDs fault - bullies fault, her parents fault for not dealing with it at 10 years old.

I have no sympathy at all.

I'd respect his wishes. So either don't reply to the boy's Mum, or just send a short message saying sorry he hasn't seen anything.

But you’re in the minority who is standing on the right side. Quite frankly I disgusted - but not surprised at the parents on here who are happy to tell their children to turn a blind eye. Not my circus not my monkeys attitude. no wonder society is ending up like it is. Parents bringing up kids to take the east rather than right path.

Unfortunately yes they will be turning their attention to other victims, and this would likely be the OP's DS if they found out that he'd spoken out about them. I do agree with what you are saying but there is no way I would let my DS get involved in this situation.

Thank you for proving my point

Good on him.......and whether he has issues or not the boy seeing that if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes will do him a massive favour.

And block his mother, she sounds like a bigger pain in the arse than her son.

One of my kids is a teacher. Their policy is if you witness bullying and do nothing you are as bad as the bullies and will get the same punishment.

And if you’ve never had another child making up flat lies with the sole purpose of hurting and upsetting your child well lucky you.

I wouldn’t go so far as to wish ill on a minor but fuck me no I would not lift a finger to help her. Ours was 13 and even admitted it was all lies she was bored and jealous of dd. Oh that’s alright then.

There's a reason the law offers witnesses protection.
Why would anybody come forward if the appropriate support system isn't in place, and not only does nothing change but the reporter gets targeted as a snitch?
If the backing of SLT and school culture is in place your brilliant teacher child doesn't need to resort to such heavy handed measures by punishing all and sundry. If they do, well, they're placing the burdens of dobbing people in on individual children instead of blaming themselves as part of the system.
But also, making sure that everyone tries even harder to hide incidents so that they're not implicated. Well done.

The other boy is a child with emotional difficulties. It's absolutely shit what happened to your son and, at the end of the day, you can't make him do anything. However, I think I would have a conversation with him about being the bigger person. If he knows something, it would be the right thing to say so. He can be clear that he prefers this to be anonymous when he gives a statement to school. Neither he nor you have to engage with the other boy or his mother in any way - you don't need to reply to her messages (and I agree that she has some nerve to send them) but if the boy names your son as a potential witness and school ask him to give a statement, the right thing to do would be to comply and just give a factual account of what he's seen. He can do so anonymously and if asked by other children about it can simply say that he wrote he'd seen nothing. Nobody but the staff dealing with investigations should ever see the statement itself. If he isn't approached by school staff, he has no need to be involved. The boy's mother needs to contact school and let them decide how to manage it in line with their own policies.

After that conversation, if your son doesn't want to, that's his call. But I think it's worth the talk.

What a shit teacher

That’s your experience and your choice username123457.

Being the “bigger person” doesn’t automatically mean that your needs are not met though or that you are always taken advantage of.

Depending on the situation, being “the bigger person” can bring someone peace and tranquillity and a sense of independence and confidence that they make their own decisions despite the actions or influence of others.

She must be desperate if she is reaching out to you.

Children have taken their own lives with severe bullying.

I would maybe be discussing with your son about what he does see in confidence.

If it is a bit of ribbing but nothing too serious that is one thing. If this kid is in physical danger or being mentally tortured then sometimes we have to be the bigger person and do what is right. It has to be his decision whether he does say anything but it would not sit right with me if this kid was being seriously bullied. The good samaritan and all that.

it’s Not really his business, and I can see why he doesn’t want to rush to the aid of someone who bullied him.

Similar happened to DS, primary school bully has gone off the rails in Secondary and it was suggested that our ‘calmer’ boy could
perhaps mentor him in some way as they know each other - he declined.
The parent asked me too, I declined and just said they had little in common and DS was too busy.

My experience is that you can be the bigger person but a lot of people will take full advantage. The right response depends on whether it is right and helpful for someone to be the bigger person in that situation. Sometimes people who are always the bigger person are habitual martyrs. Or they are people who have been taught it's wrong to have boundaries and not that their feelings matter too. Or have just been raised to be people pleasers with all the personal cost of that. Ideally there is a balance where we are mostly the bigger person but know there is a time and place where we can say no, and know it is quite okay to do that.

Me too

And when the 'snitch' gets bullied?

So you think it is better for a child to stand and watch another child being bullied and not get some help? You think it is better to teach your child to lie and say they've seen nothing when they have? Says a lot.

You won't stamp out bullying by ignoring it, if all childen stand up to the bully, support the victim no one will get bullied.

If your child was being bullied would you hope other children would tell the truth when asked about it? I bet you would.

No bullying in the class though, all kids safe. Obviously not what some people want.

The 'snitch' in that scenario is between a rock and a hard place.

The school needs a foolproof anonymous whistle lowing system before they start pinishing bystanders.

My teachers stood by while kids were bullied and did nothing. The fish rots from the head and all that.

What if he gets bullied for grassing up the bullies? This isn't about revenge like some posters are insinuating. I don't blame him for wanting to keep out of the lying boys life.