to break bad?

[ConciseQueen]

I’m thinking of going to the dark side. Crime can pay a lot. And I am skint.

So, from Monday, I am a gun for hire. I’ll need a crew.

Any bad dudes with me?

Sadly no. They were quite glorious - I am literally the opposite of her!

We only need one set of glorious boobies. You are in I'd say!

I've already lost the baddie to all you girls with glorious boobies.....nearly asked if I could watch and then realised what I was thinking! 🙈

No but can I hire you to remove someone who is project managing a project in working on? I don’t want them harmed just you know - vanished. Or banished. It can be somewhere nice, I hold them no ill will but if I have to continue working with them I may lose my mind. Let me know your rates.

yup - Handsome, bad....so handsome....

We’ll definitely need a MN parking diagram up on the whiteboard.

What about safe-cracking? Anyone on the Christmas threads had a discount code for that? We might need to call in the crossworders.

I think we should use our evil powers for good.

We could advertise our services on a sliding scale to punish abusive ex’s and misogynists.

So we could charge £x for The Look, £xx for The Death Stare and £xxx for A Bit of a Telling Off using The Voice.

The invisible women could be handy getting into places least expected for delivering the punishment. The excellent boobies could be used as a lure. I’m sure we still need all the getaway drivers, snipers and sandwich makers.

I’ll start it rolling : A fiver to anyone who’ll find my ex and look at him in a disappointed fashion. That’s the least he deserves!

Me again.

Plus we need the hackers and coders to find all that money they say they don’t have.

I’ll start it rolling : A fiver to anyone who’ll find my ex and look at him in a disappointed fashion. That’s the least he deserves!

@Iamnotawinp

Whereabouts is he? I’d be happy to offer my services within a 30 mile radius.

"So we could charge £x for The Look, £xx for The Death Stare and £xxx for A Bit of a Telling Off using The Voice".

and £xxxx for snapping and farting or a posting passive-aggressive note through the door.

The heated airer is a great idea, but only if someone has a voucher for £7 off a £75 spend though. Even though we're laundering the money, we still need a bargain.

Alternatively if someone has a referral code, PLEASE put it on the referral thread, not in here 😡

I've just noticed a glaring omission though. To go along with my cheese scones, @Mothew's red wine and all other assorted beauties, can anyone get us a good deal on Gaviscon please?

And what about coughing over someone without covering your mouth? That's got to be worth at least a tenner.

I’ve over-ordered Menopace if anyone needs a top-up on the day.

If you want to put security off searching your bag, place yesterday's underwear near the top, and suddenly remember the fuck off sewing scissors you brought along for the crochet/ knitting you are doing.

They thank you for being so honest, curl up in embarrassment and stop digging in fear of whatever else they might find. Obviously, you also need to show your honest face.

@CarrieMoonbeams I’ve just sourced a massive bottle of Gaviscon Advance from the pharmacy which I’m happy to share.

And what about coughing over someone without covering your mouth? That's got to be worth at least a tenner.

Can we start with the woman in Lidl a few days ago who had a coughing fit a couple of feet from me in the Specials aisle. Thanks to her I feel like death and had to cancel a date I had planned for last night. Oh and I coughed so much this morning I almost vomited in the bath. I hope her fucking Go Ahead Biscuit Breaks and golden syrup flavoured bastard Weetabix were worth it.

In fact, I don’t want to outsource that particular pleasure. If the PP with the large sword collection would be happy to loan me one, I will gladly hunt her down and plunge it into her virus-infested selfish lungs myself.

I'm an excellent batch cook. Can help feed the crew

I look like butter wouldn't melt.

People tell me things ALL THE TIME. It's weird, I just have a manner where people open up to me and tell me all sorts of stuff. I'd make an excellent scout ahead of any heist.

I can find people on the Internet.
I've seen enough of Ozark to launder money.

This thread is hilarious.

Someone mentioned project management.... this will need a full time PM I think. Gantt charts, all the gubbins.

We also meed some marketing. I think we have a solid USP.
Anyone any good at Google ads? Might have to be a bit careful about keywords... need to be under the radar!

Can’t help with PM I’m afraid. Gantt charts bring me out in a rash.

Do pyramid schemes count as breaking bad? Someone's doing beauty products on Facebook and I reckon with a bit of a brand refresh we could set up a nationwide county lines operation to rival Avon.

Apparently we have to g check them and get the road men onto them. And we'll need some vulnerable mules or children. I have some of those and they could do with an alternative to chores which they do deliberately badly. It'll be like bob-a-job with menaces.

Has someone set up a trello board yet?

It's difficult for us bank robbers now the branches are all closing.

We could do the post office, but we'd need to avoid Mondays because the queues are terrible.

To be fair, I think the Post Office are doing a good enough number on themselves at the moment!

Skills I can offer:

Erm...

I'm quite bendy which is useful for climbing through windows if that would help? Only ground floor though, I don't do well with heights.

I also work with dogs (always have treats about my person) so I could befriend and distract any sniffer dogs (can't promise not to steal one though 😬).

Also, for laying low purposes, I have a friend who owns two holiday properties in the Outer Hebrides; he was quite the naughty boy in his youth and would have no qualms aiding and abetting 😂

This thread has had me in stitches, I can see it ending up in Classics!