to break bad?

[ConciseQueen]

I’m thinking of going to the dark side. Crime can pay a lot. And I am skint.

So, from Monday, I am a gun for hire. I’ll need a crew.

Any bad dudes with me?

I'm in! Post-menopausal, early 60's but not quite fully invisible due to being rather tall ( people assume I'm not there then walk into me and apologise in a puzzled manner).

Can see over tall objects or reach items off a high shelf.

I do need a regular pit stop due to a sensitive bladder. Ooo should I start practising with a SheWee in case we're on a long stakeout?

Cash purchase of one of those Unique Properties MNers are so good at finding. Hide out, chuck out alll the creepy dolls and ceiling mirrors, replace the bathroom, turn a profit.

Car boot sale. Great excuse for a spring clear out and perfect cover for money laundering. Also tombolas, although I'll be honest, I struggle to understand the rules.

There is also bitcoin. I expect it needs a QR code and a team of teenagers with iphones to implement. We can just irrationally ground them until they've put all the systems in place.

Ooh, can I join?!? I've just done my first aid at work certificate with st Johns so I can do some basic bandaging and know when to call for an ambulance if things go pear shaped. I'd also be very happy to run the money laundering car boot - might need some accounting help so as not to be accidently honest about the takings

I'll be your Smurf and I'll have an apple pie ready for when you all get back from the job 🥧

We need to think big. Like diamonds or Wegovy.

Whatever you decide on, if we can wait a bit til the weather improves I could squeeze some ill gotten gains on the line with the lab coats (natural bleach from the sun of course, defo not darked on and guaranteed no visible peg marks) after a quick rinse before the sale.

Being a keen re-use/re-cycler I also have a load of mn scarves too we can use as swagbags at the heist and then again at the booty to identify one another.

My walking stick is pretty sturdy; I could swing it and give some poor rozzer sod a fairly hefty whack, I reckon. Especially now the cops are no longer 6' 4" but as likely to be short arses like me; I can reach them now. Plus don't forget they're all like teletubbies in their heavy Kevlar gear, so they're probably not much faster than me.

I also have a 4 berth touring caravan at my disposal, on our drive. Could cram plenty of us in there for hiding.

Collagen supplements! Those are fairly pricey these days!

Birkenstocks are bloody fortunes. A thriving black market trade on used ones on ebay, too. We could also diversify into Hunter wellies for the wetter months. That's proper MN bling.

if we are in it purely for our own material gains I’d like to put my hat in the ring and say I want a smeg kettle

Coincidently only last night I said to DH I would be a great criminal cos who would suspect a respectable dumpy middle aged woman.

I'm in!

@Coffeetwosugars you can be in charge of the electric saw - but please make sure you recharge it after you've played with it whilst you're finishing the next lot of rotas for the heists / bingo / history walks.

@ArabellaScott the saw can have a number of uses: it makes a great sound effect; we might need to saw our way through some doors; we will need firewood when we hide out in the campervans/ RVs / mobile caravans / sheds / remote farmhouses.

Hmm, I might consider coming along too...

Ooooh yes. There’s something about him isn’t there?!

I have a she wee - will bring it.
Will be useful for stakeouts.

I have some good binoculars, too.

Another invisible menopausal woman here... and am good with powertools if that helps?

^^ also, I have a gemmy, a lump hammer, a chainsaw and an axe. Will bring them....

I also can talk people to death, but only when tipsy. Aldi has my favourite wine for under a fiver so I can bring a few bottles which will go with the cheese scones nicely

I'm a devout Catholic and a Care Manager. My clients and prayer group fellows will provide alibis for all. They're good like that. Could we target the meat counters at supermarkets? I'm led to believe that cold cuts sell well on the black market.

If we need explosives I can get a good deal on weedkiller at Dobbies.

You said you needed weapons...
I have access to an unlimited supply of prison poetry - ten times more potent than the Vogon stuff - and after decades-long exposure I am fully immune. Happy to provide cover for you as you make your escapes.

Eldest DC has now moved out so I have a spare bedroom available too.

just cat hing up with todays ideas. I am seriously impressed by all the talents on here🤗 restores faith in goodness🥰 obs the criminal intent aside.
I can make a mean cocktail/mocktail to go with the Cheese Scones & airfryer offerings & also have a camper van & a field would suggest we divide up the hiding low to different sites & confuse the authorities by using each others houses to do random batches of laundry & make a sharing casserole
You are all absolutely fabulous.

Amazing thread - love it!!

Quite happy to offer approximately 33 decorative swords (late DPs collection in case of zombie apocalypse).

Currently postmenopausal with nothing left to lose and have done plenty of Netflix research on the perfect heist.

My special skills are distraction - vintage Lifestyle Goth with a flair for the dramatic. Can whip out my tarot cards and fascinate people for hours.

As for targets - how about the wine cellar at Parliament and possibly the pantry? We could smuggle it all out in our big girl pants and do a three way split - feed the poor, sell on the Dark Web and have a hell of a party....

@MistressoftheDarkSide I would LOVE a sword. How does one acquire one?

Great thread but there's some glaring omissions in the planning. 7 pages in and not one person has insisted on a diagram showing where the getaway car will be parked and nobody has thought to suggest the tactical placement of penguin bollards to delay the old bill.