Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Been here a few times - you’re not her friend, you’re an unpaid childminder.

I let these friendships go. What’s the point in choosing not to have kids and then spending time parenting someone else’s?!

YANBU in the least.

I'm not sure there is a polite way of saying it @PlaygroundSusie but I think you do need to say it.

She's just using you for help with her children. A meetup in a cafe followed by a walk is a perfectly nice way to have a catch-up and then do something that's good and entertaining for the kids. But meeting at a playground where you barely get to say hello before you have to help someone on the slide, is basically just being another pair of hands for her.

You said that when you meet up at her home, her kids will play with their own toys, but she chooses NOT to, because she prefers to maximise their happiness by always taking them to entertaining places. IMO, this is just another way of saying that the reason she doesn't meet you at her home is because she doesn't value talking to you enough to deprive her children of an hour of being the center of her attention. She only works part-time and her kids are in "lots of activities" is her excuse. But working part time should leave her lots of time to be with her children so, if they are in lots of activities, it's only because she put them there. She just doesn't respect you enough to be with you when she's being with you.

Just my opinion

You're not a friend. You're a mother's helper except you're not getting paid.

3 kids here and what your friend keeps doing would get on my fucking tits.

And yet another woman wracked with angst because she can't just say what she wants.

Does the three year old go to nursery? If so, can you grab a coffee when the children are at school and nursery (subject to work) or meet one lunchtime when there’s only one child?

Why can't their father look after them while you have an occasional grown up catch up, OP?

Maybe you could meet at softplay the the kids go off while you talk. However, I do think it's weird that she has to bring them all the time. Is she a single mum? The kids sound very demanding too.

Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!”

This is just nuts 🙄

Does she have to bring the dc?

I had a friend who always wanted to meet up at a time I really didn't have a choice because dh was working. Any suggestions of later, when he'd have been home and they didn't like it.

If she has to bring the dc, then something like the playground when the dc will run off and be happy is better than a coffee shop when you've got them at the same table and whinging that they want another cookie and interrupting because they're bored. or worse, listening to the conversation and putting in their own comments. 🤣

I agree with others that the arrangement is a bit ridiculous. Are you having to pay out to get into all of these children friendly places shes asking you to meet her at? Shes way over the top saying that she cant ever socialise without her children and I say that as a mother! I love my DD more than anything but childfree time with my friends is really important too. You shouldnt have to always go by her rules and even if she is a single mum I would suggest what others have said and you go to hers in the evening maybe help with the childrens bedtime then you can catch up with her when they are in bed.

I get the whole being with the kids during the day, aside from their only young for so long, logistically my DD is my responsibly at weekends as DH works, but is there a reason you can’t catch up of an evening when they’re in bed? If she’s a single parent, can you not head round with takeaway after they’re asleep if she can’t go out? One of my best friends is a parent with same age children but we intentionally meet whilst their at school as otherwise it’s a play date where we barely get time to chat as usually interrupted, not a catch up

Nope this isn't fair.

Maybe it's time to find other close friends if you haven't already. I have different ones now to when I was in my 20s.

This is bats -there's no way I would want to spend my free time at a playground in February!

"What time are the children in bed? Shall I come by half an hour after that with a bottle of wine for a catch-up?"

Definitely not normal. I have 3 kids and one of my childless friends has rarely ever met my kids. We have been friends for years but why would I expect her to hang about a swing park or soft play? We go for child free meals and chat about adult things. I love my kids and spent a lot of time doing child orientated activities with them but do not expect my friend to do it. I also don't have any desire to take my kids with me when I go out with her as it's my time. This is not necessarily healthy for the kids long term especially teaching them others will pander to them

If you want to actually catch up with her and not her kids, why can't you meet up in an evening when the kids are in bed? At 3 and 7 her kids will probably both be asleep from about 8pm, which gives you plenty of time to have dinner and drinks.

She could get a babysitter or get her partner to watch the kids (if she's not a single parent) and you could get a late-ish table somewhere, go out to a pub or you could even go round to hers and get a takeaway in or something.

That is, unless she's just trying to get a bit of help with childcare out of you and she doesn't actually care about spending time with you.

Cross-post there with @CountryFrost and @LenaLamont

How often do you meet up? Is she a single mum?
if not, I wouldn’t offer her a catch up as such, I would offer her an adult activity e.g dinner or lunch on a weekend or evening ( when you know her DH is at home). If she says she can’t, answer her something like - txt me when it’s good for you. If she offers you a visit to museum or playground tell her that you don’t want to distract kids and you would rather meet when she is free. And see what she says.
I think she probably doesn’t have time to meet up and it’s fair, kids are 3 and 7. The way she goes about is weird but she probably thinks that it’s kinder for you then not to meet up at all. Show her that you are not desperate to meet up at any terms.

Sorry but she comes across in your post as such a nob, I would be meeting her once a year if it was me! Probably at Christmas.

Surely the time is coming when the children will be in school for longer.

I know it’s aggravating but she will be doing this to tire out the children so they are less of a nightmare for her afterwards.

Basically you want to sit in a cafe where they will insist of all manner of chocolate and crap which will hype them to the moon, or for them to sit in the house where they will be bored, stir crazy. And in both instances your friend will have difficulty settling them for the rest of the day and for sleep.

I can see it from your point of view and I do empathise. But equally, I don’t think she has much of a choice if she is meeting you regularly.

If it’s a once off for a friend you can deal with it but having tantrums and difficult children every week or every other week would be exhausting. Sounds like she doesn’t have help either.

But the kids go to bed! You can go out for dinner and drinks without her missing a single moment of their childhood. Or if she has no partner then you can go to hers.

I have kids and would never inflict a kiddy venue on my childfree friends

Just that "LOL" on its own makes me feel stabby and I don't even know this woman.

I think your friend is being pretty inconsiderate. I had my children young and most of my friends didn't have kids. I didn't drag them to kids venues, I did that with other friends who did have kids! Can't you suggest evening meet ups when kids are in bed? I would often have friends round once kids were asleep for a takeaway and bottle of wine and a catch up. Or she could get a babysitter and have a night out?

Oh God me too!!!
OP I have 4 small kids. I wouldn’t dream of doing this to my child free friends, I love my meet ups with them at child free places!
Your friend is rude and selfish and using you as free child entertainment.